The Fine Art of Falling Apart

2009-12-17T23:20:00.001-05:00

Dear Canada,
I had no idea you were so big to drive over.
Love,
Gish.

Goin' home, folks...Comin' home.

2009-12-05T04:32:00.002-05:00

Goin' home, folks...Comin' home.

11 days and counting before I'll be within the borders of Ontario to live for the first time in two years.

I Turn My Camera On.

2009-11-30T09:49:00.003-05:00

Making plans. They fall together like loosely knitted stitches on a hand made scarf. Warm and wooly, for the winter. This pleases me.

I type this in my soon to be non-bedroom. Meaning, I've been offered a new job, back home in Ontario. Well, not really 'back home' but given the amount of traveling I've done the past couple of years for work, to go back to my home province to work is like going back home (in my mind). The job itself is a step up in level and responsibility, as well as something I've always wanted to be involved in. And it's in my chosen field.

For the first time as an adult, I'll be living in the same city as my father and my youngest sister. I'm looking forward to the piano lessons I will take, as well as the guitar lessons I will squeeze out of my dad :)

Just a couple of weeks to go here in Hay River, then it's a jump into the cockpit of my car and away I go...onto the ever bidding highway of my life.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

but I'm still a soldier.

2009-11-17T21:32:00.000-05:00

Interesting developments growing in my life. I'm not really sure how things are going to play out. I'm looking at change. Always looking for the next rock.

Other new things happening: one of my best friends is expecting her baby any second now. Another is enjoying her job and boyfriend, content with how her landing has worked out. Bailey still follows me around the house like a lost soldier.

I have this unique ability to cut my work life (apart from some aspects) off from my private life. It's odd, now that I think about it. Discussion with others in the profession, we've come to the conclusion there is no major research on this topic. I'm sure one of us decided to file that idea away for future thesis ideas.

I love my work. It keeps me busy, it's interesting. It's always the same thing, but it's completely different no matter where I go. I think that is in part what keeps me looking at new places. Because it might be so great to work there. In the field that I do.

Long telephone convo tonight with Sam. Fun times. My old black rotary telephone might be failing because I apparently sound muffled. I am eagerly awaiting a baby pink rotary phone to arrive in the mail. I love the nostalgia, and the cheesiness.

Hawksley Workman has announced a new tour. It sounds like the usual places, which is good because I am familiar with some venues. I keep missing him, though. Haven't seen him in years.

Then Sam pointed me in the direction of the above photo.
Feels a bit like home, maybe.

Photo Courtesy of Trevor Weeks.

2009-10-30T23:28:00.002-04:00

All I want is you.

Where is the face that you know?

She's Got A New Disguise - The Matthew Good Band

2009-10-14T20:28:00.001-04:00

you know the one I bought in Phoenix, where they sell old jewelery.

Above is the photo I took of our Thanksgiving dinner spread. It was tasty. I won't bore you with the details of how I forced lemon herbed butter underneath the skin of the turkey breast and mashed cream cheese into the potatoes. But yummy, nonetheless. Also, the peach pie I decided couldn't be that hard to bake, turned out ok, too.

In my ever changing duties at work, I had to arrange a funeral today. It's the first time I've picked out a plot, bought a casket, or tried to decide on a Catholic or Anglican ceremony. To tell you the truth, I am not even sure if this is supposed to be significant to me, or if it's just business as usual. I guess my stomach will decide.

I'm homesick, in case I haven't mentioned that before. I feel when I speak with friends or family, it's just a long list of complaints and no bright spots. I try to keep an eye out for those bright spots but it's been a little more difficult since I've started sharing space with the Italian, and I feel like I can never show my real face, even at home. And I'm not laying blame, it's really just a matter of my own comfort level with things.

So, homesick. Trying to patch together some time off for the beach vacation with Number 4 and some time with my nephews and parents and other sisters. Basically, I don't know how it's going to work. But I'll figure something out. I am thinking for January, so I still have time to work out plans.

It sounds low, but I feel good. The first snow fell and stuck to the ground. I drive around for work, and I see kids out in their snowsuits, making snow angels. They stand up to admire their work, then run off..the still falling leaves of poplars flying behind them in little whirlwinds.

It's enough.

Harder Now That It's Over - Ryan Adams

I will never be with you

2009-10-02T09:05:00.000-04:00

I shouldn't listen to James Blunt in the morning. It's almost too sweet, like eating chocolate or sugary breakfast cereals with very little milk. Marshmellow shapes that melt in your mouth or turn your milk into rainbow colours. Too sweet.

I guess I am all done with driving to Yellowknife for awhile. The blanket of freezing temps and glittery snow will soon descend upon us and it will be like a quiet numbing feeling that will linger until the first breath of Spring comes back around. It all presents itself like a cycle in my mind. Round, circular, the only thing really different being the year. 2003, 2006, 2008. I am looking forward to the snow. I've got pellets for the stove in my house, blankets to cover my bed, and somehow, a guy to keep the sheets warm for me when I jump in (not necessary but nice to have, nonetheless).

I'm up at a good time, hoping I will leave the house so I am not late for work again. There is heavy frost on the car, Alessandro stood at the kitchen window in front of the sink, waiting for his truck to warm up. Good morning kisses still surprise me, but aren't unpleasant.

I still cling helplessly to things from the past, but it's comforting in an anchoring sort of way. Like a small way to remember how I used to be. That girl. Then I realise in short blasts of clarity that people are ever evolving and that the same is true for myself. A constantly changing orb of colour.

But now it's time to choose the eyeshadow colour of the day. Greens? Blues? Pinks seem to lame. I want something punchy. Looking forward to a new haircut this evening. Nothing really different, just cleaner, more defined bangs. Yeth!

Polaroid fun

2009-09-23T10:12:00.001-04:00

Someone sent me the link to convert photos into a 'polaroid'. I have one pack of 10 photos left of actual polaroid film and have been hoarding it for good times. But I can never seem to decide what would be a good time. So, here is a way I can have 'sort of' Polaroid shots. Very cute and handy, this program. I love it so far.

If I'm not on the internet fooling around with stuff like this, I'm wrapped up in my head, trying to think my way out the situation I've gotten myself into.

I should clarify that it's not a bad situation, just one I am unfamiliar with and I don't know how to navigate my way because it's like I'm lost at sea, and am surrounded by fog. Writing that, I can hear the creaking wood of an old ship, the snap of the sails in the wind, and even the scent of salt on the air. I'm just feeling a bit lost.

There is nothing 'wrong' with my relationship, but I do feel as though I should be looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing. And this is to my own detriment. I know I should relax and just enjoy what's happening, but I just can't. It's too much of an alien situation for me to become too comfortable. I worry about the future, I worry about what I want, or what I think I want, or what I 'should' want.

I've had a toothache since Saturday and that doesn't really help things. It makes me whiny (in my head), and uncomfortable and all too much time to think. Which could be the killer in this event. I can think my way out of or into anything.

And right now, I feel the urge to run. I am thinking of leaving for the weekend, holing up in a hotel somewhere and just be alone. I have the urge to jump on a plane this weekend, go to my mother's and hide out in her basement. Or some tropical place, where no one knows me and I can hide behind my sunglasses and multiple fruity alcoholic drinks.

that's what it is, really. I want to be alone. Like I used to be. That at least, is familiar.

2009-09-20T03:47:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I am reminded. That I love my dad.

2009-09-15T19:32:00.001-04:00

Ah, it's always the light that catches my eye. Draws me in, like a fish chasing a feathered lure. I swim through the dark and hone in on the shiny bits of the room.

The show in Yellowknife was good. The crowd had great energy and I came away feeling a bit like my old self.

Photos and all. Driving hours on ribbons of highway unfolding itself in front of me. Music blaring, cigarettes and just the thoughts in my head. The sights I see.

2009-09-12T11:20:00.002-04:00

Sitting in a hotel room in Yellowknife. This is starting to feel like a habit or something. I'm even in the same room I had before. Interesting.

I ended up coming back for the Hey Rosetta! show. Which was great. So much energy, and it felt good to see a live show again. It's been awhile. Took a lot of photos, I'll post something when I get home.

Now, I have to gather myself up and head back to Hay River so I can be on call for the next week. *sigh*

I picked up a special treat for my friend Sam and a tshirt for myself. Hope it fits. :)

They played Becky, I keep singing this song.

Loved. It.

When you gonna flower?

2009-08-31T10:24:00.001-04:00

My Morning Glory plant has finally flowered.I've been patiently watering it, and hoping it bloomed before the frost came to zap it dead on my front deck. Finally a reward in the square shaped blue blooms came to me this week. I just want to stare at them. Beautifully symmetrical and blue.

I'm back in Yellowknife for work reasons. I elected to drive this time so I can enjoy some serious alone time and get back in the groove of driving which I used to love so much. So armed with the 10 mixed cds I made for myself, my camera and a lot of cigarettes, I ventured out and 5 hours later arrived in Yellownife with a sigh of regret that the first part of the trip was over. Checked into the hotel and settled down for a night of reading and tv background. It was lovely.

And I only saw 3 buffalo on the side of the road. So I stopped for a photo, with one food on the brake and eyes on the massive animal that could have charged my car at any moment he felt necessary. I wasn't prepare for how large these things are up close. This is about 20 feet away.

I left my home life behind which wasn't necessary, just felt normal. But laying in bed last night and thinking, I realised it will be nice walking into a house that another has been breathing in for the past few days. Sometimes, I wonder how I got into this. Other times, I realise it's just a frog in the pot thing. Something I gradually got used to, and was in the situation before I realised anything was completely different.

Those Italian text messages aren't enough to make me come undone.

Love don't mean a thing.

2009-08-12T09:43:00.000-04:00

I leave little messages for you here
I'm not at the point yet, of lighting one cigarette off the end of another. But getting close. Seems all I'm doing lately is smoking. In the car, half smokes because the rides are so short. Or I get bored during break time so I don't finish a full cigarette. Maybe it's making things bleak in my round world, not sure. I broke the new iPod dock already.

I bought a beautiful sky blue couch at a yardsale on the weekend. But it won't go into the tiny doors of the trailer (yes, I live in a trailer) other than the main doors. It will go through the backdoor, but that's on the other side of the house. So it's making my front porch quite homey for the time being. At least, until I can hire someone to move it for me.

Heartache shine a light...down on me tonight
I woke up alone for the first time in a little while, it made me feel disoriented. But I eventually kicked that lame feeling out of my head and remembered that I enjoy waking up to an empty bed. Just seemed...odd, at first. But I was so cranky yesterday that I suspect I wasn't all that successful in pretending I didn't care that he left in the middle of the night, not waking me because he knows sleep is precious. But I guess I couldn't help but feel a tad disgruntled.

Photos I took years ago are popping into my mind. Not in relation to what I'm feeling, they just appear like debris on a beach, washing ashore from a plane crash. I pick them up, examine them for meaning. But no possible puzzle combinations seem to fit, or make sense.

Work's stressing me out. Which is a good sign, in my mind. This means I'm busy, and getting back into a groove I used to inhabit. I know it shouldn't but work does really define me. It keeps me in line. Makes me participate.
it gets me lying sideways
Black storm clouds rolled in last night. The air turned cool, and rain soaked the ground for 3 hours. I splashed through puddles on my way to the airport to see someone off safely. I watched the jet taxi out, then take off, leaving nothing but white showers of mist behind it. Those turbines made reluctant water move as if it were on fire. I thought about my camera. I thought about a lot of things, my face on one side of the window, rain drops on the other.

I wanted to be on that jet, too. I just don't know where I'd end up.

She's In It For The Money - Matthew Good.

what could I tell you that wouldn't just scare you?

2009-08-06T15:12:00.005-04:00

Listening to Hawksley Workman, cycling through the old stuff I've never heard and the usual stuff I adore. What a man. Had a sweet little dream about him last night. What a man.

But anyway, I took the afternoon off to ramp up for my On Call work thing that starts tomorrow. I was also extremely cranky this morning, and felt that I should not be in the office before I wig out on someone for no good reason. Mostly, I'm just tired from last night. I woke up every hour, maybe getting about 20 minutes out of each hour actually sleeping. It sucked.

So, nap time this afternoon.

If I've been clear at all in my past few posts, I am absolutely obsessed with eye makeup right now. I came across this girl that does videos on Youtube for tutorials and tips, that sort of thing. Very useful and handy. And it's nice to see someone not afraid to use a lot of kickass colour. So if you're into it, her blog is here where you will find links to her Twitter and Youtube action.
http://www.vintageortacky.com

My link action hasn't been so hot lately, not sure why. I blame Blogger, personally. That will be something that will be addressed at the new site (whenever it gets finished...I have a hard time deciding on stuff!).

Chapters finally came through and a lot of new books were delivered today, along with a Yoga/Pilates dvd set I had ordered (in a fit of insanity) while in the Arctic...even though they had already sent me the set back before I moved here. So, two sets of dvds that I never, ever use. *sigh* Wish it could be like...two copies of a fabulous book or something.

In any event, the new books I have are awesome. I am going to read one until I get sleepy for a nap this afternoon. The problem will be trying to figure out which one goes first.

Decisions, decisions...

What Could I Tell You - Hawksley Workman

2009-08-06T02:15:00.001-04:00

It's been over a month since I've been home from my awesome Ireland trip. Feels like ages ago I was taking a ferry back from Inishbofin with Irish rockstars and my best, true friend Anne.

I guess I've been thinking about the trip a lot lately, more in terms of housing, obtaining a Visa, how to support myself, etc. Just a few thoughts to file away for future ideas.

My lover just left and I'm eating a bowl of dark red Bing cherries, sitting in front of my laptop, my long fingernails are making tapping noises on the keyboard but I'm not overly sure if what I am thinking is translating to the page. A learning process. I pushed past my boundaries and basically told him what was bothering me. And it feels we cleared the air.

While I'd like to think we are adults, I am hoping there is no fall-out from this discussion. Just a thought.

Back to the cherries, and then some sleep time. It's way past.
night, sweet cherries.

Makeup, Hawksley and a new lover.

2009-08-02T01:53:00.003-04:00

I'm watching a live version of Paper Shoes by Hawksley Workman on Youtube. I'm not normally a Youtube kind of girl but I make exceptions for all things Hawksley. Or makeup related.

But here's the link for Paper Shoes. don't you get lazy on me, sweet honey baby...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mslOvrrCxpA
He talks about playing Risk instead of making love. Hilarious. Great showman, for sure.

Friends over to make dinner yesterday. Lots of Pinot Noir and red sauce (made from scratch, another bonus of hanging around a guy from Italy--he has the ability to cook real food) and good conversation. Getting more comfortable with having someone around. Did I mention the reading of Dante's Inferno in the original Italian? *grin*. Right.

Alessandro's hands. A hands photo to add to my collection.

A quick shot while he's pretending to sleep.

power. balance. power.
I'm always fascinated with the angles and lines of a new face. Something for me to look at, something new to touch and be touched by. It's interesting. I horde my alone time, and it's ok that way. I dig it. I smear yellow eye shadow over my lids and the mascara is so sharp and black that it's almost enough to cut like a blade. I dig it.

I would have taken more photos but my battery charger is totally missing in action. I've no idea where I put it, which is too bad because there seem to be so many photo ops lately. When I think to look for it, my attention is usually then drawn elsewhere. I will have to write it on a pink Post-it and stick it to the mirror in order to refocus my attention on what's important.

Document, document, document.

2009-07-29T23:04:00.001-04:00

Hey all,
I've finally taken the step to have a site designed the way I like it. This will include pulling together all my photos, writings, blogging and at together in one spot and will look FAB from what I hear.

so, here's a littel teaser to get the juices going....

http://www.abstractmagdalene.com/

Waking up from a long sleep to find myself in the clearing of a green forest.

2009-07-27T09:44:00.000-04:00

A part of my life that I haven't been paying attention to for the past while has revealed itself, demanding attention. So, since I listen to what my head says (most times) I said ok, lets go. I started seeing Alessandro and am just feeling things out very, very slowly. Not typical Gish-way, at all. Usually I rush into things, and examine the pieces after the fact. But this time, I'm content with taking it slow.

This is for a multitude of reasons that I don't know I can explain here. Perhaps another time. But rest assured, it's fun in a weird sort of way and I absolutely *love* the fact that he can read Dante's Inferno to me in the original Italian. That's what I get for dating a guy from Milan. Score! (literary score, at least).

Oh yeth.

Just a shot of my bag when I was on my way from Scotland back to Ireland in June. I had it crammed full of stuff. The top layer being exposed has all of the essentials I would need to grab at a moments notice. The middle and bottom layers having clothes, books and other things I wouldn't need while in transit.

Notice the awesome Clinique makeup travel kit. Fab buy in Duty free. The iPod, a necessity. Travel journal. British cigarettes, galaxy bar in case I needed sustenance and my new Fluff wallet that I adore even though I've always been into smaller, non-girly sorts of wallets.

Joy in small places:
- I am having a cup of Kickass (a brand of strong coffee beans) coffee, in bed while I update my journal.
- The Ghost of You Lingers by Spoon just came on the iPod in the other room, love that song.
- Bailey, satisfied from his morning activities, is sleeping at the foot of the bed.
- I got out of bed reasonably early this morning.
- Alessandro has soccer this evening and I may go and watch.
- did I mention my coffee tastes amazing this morning?
- I cleaned my bedroom yesterday so it is reasonably tidy now.
- new makeup coming from Sephora!
- new books and personal products coming in the mail, too!
- going to try a different eyeshadow combo for today.
- My new bedsheets are amazing!

Makeup and getting ready for work time.

something new and exciting coming soon.

2009-07-20T02:07:00.001-04:00

Now that I am in my right mind, I can write an ordinary sort of post and not that nonsense of the last one. But since I never edit posts...it's up to me to leave it up. Punishment for my own indulgence in silly, silly affairs of the heart that I should have grown out of a long, long time ago.

As for the subject line, I shouldn't say soon. It could be long time in the making and god knows I change my mind often enough. But keep your eyes peeled on this page. Something is going to show up eventually and it's going to be kickass. I promise.

Just wanted to pop over here really quick and update (like I used to, daily). I have a guilty confession to make. I spent the entire day on the internet. And I mean, since I woke up until I am about to log off to try to sleep because I need to be up by 5:30.

Nuts, I know. Crazy, hells yeah. But I've been pretty absent from the internet for a few days and I like to keep in touch with everyone and everything, so I sat down for a serious session today. Got a lot done, too. Some writing. Photo editing. Made up a photobook to get printed at some point. Mostly when I feel less guilty for blowing almost 300 dollars at Amazon.com the other day, and then another 100 at Sephora.com today. But it's been awhile since I've indulged (Ireland doesn't count in this equation as I mostly bought stuff for other people). So new makeup and the entire series of The Wire will be arriving for me soon.

I wish I could say that I am more excited about the dvds, but in all honesty...I wish I had the television with which to see them better with. Insurance still hasn't gotten around to figuring out my claim and so I watch everything on my laptop. Which is fine. But...I kinda wanted to watch The Wire on a big screen.

Other news: I'm going to figure out how to make my own stretchers and stretch my own canvas if it kills me. I'm not the most dexterous person when it comes to assembling wooden things, but I'm determined. If the hardware store was open today, I would have had some kind of result by now, but nope. Must wait for more time off, even though technically I was working this weekend. I have more canvas ready to be stretched/gesso-ed bought from the hardware store the other day, so it's all in motion.

A photo of my feet, relaxing at the cliff's edge on one of the Aran Islands in Ireland.

Time for sleep. It's midnight here. I'm kind of jumpy, because I keep waiting for my beeper to go off. But I'll try for sleep in any case. I am totally liking where I am right now. The inspiration is pouring in for words, colour and photo clicks.

Stay with me, baby. I'll wake you when the telephone rings. It's all just nonsense, anyway.
Love,
Gish.

My golem.

2009-07-16T17:06:00.003-04:00

Hear me out...

I still care for you...
Don't ask. I'll tell. I guess I always tell.

keep having this dream, in the night where it seems I can fly, but only when no one's around.
I was driving somewhere yesterday, caught sight of someone who looked so familiar that it went straight to my stomach and sat there like a happy little present. It gave me a little glow that faded by the time I lit my next cigarette. But things like that always bring stuff to the front of my mind. It mingles there with my Day Planner, my Post-it notes, and my endless cups of coffee that fuel my working day. In among all of the other names, and possibilities that are thrown my way (increasingly so, lately), you're still there.
Can't you see what you mean to me?
I know it's lame. But there it is. Again.

I write this in a moment of weakness. My defenses are down. My mouth still frozen and swollen from the dentist. My eye makeup is perfect But my eyes are glassy. I'm bruised and in some pain physically and that makes it easier for emotion to sneak in.

I keep having this thought that you don't even exist and I just made you up.
I'm aware that this is completely in the abstract, that I've most likely constructed a golem of you in my mind. And that I don't know you anymore. A figure of plaster and paint and mud, wearing the bright blue that grace the statues of the Virgin Mary's. Something someone puts on their dashboard. In hope. But I don't have any hope with your statue. It's more like a keepsake. A reminder of something that flared up so briefly in my bruised up little heart all those years ago that made a lasting sore there that aches every so often.

So, I'll take these thoughts to bed with me, under the covers with a flashlight.

Click on. Click off.

I Still Care For You - Ray Lamontagne
Becky, I Keep Singing This Song - Hey Rosetta!

You'll change your mind come Monday.

2009-07-13T20:11:00.000-04:00

375

I've spent a lot of my spare time lately, puttering around the house and putting various things designed for living, into their 'rightful' places. Although, truth be told, that doesn't explain why I have most of my camera equipment stored in a kitchen cupboard by the stove. I think this is the spot where people usually put their drinking glasses. Not sure. Accessible, that's for sure. And it makes sense to me.

Just a quick shot of the new digs. This is after I've unpacked everything, and bought a few things from local garage sales (gotta love the coffee table set for 15 dollars).

And of course, Bailey walking across my line of sight.

Today was another Absinthe green eye day. Tomorrow will be purples. I have come to like categorizing the mood I wake up in, with the colour I put over my eyelids. For now.

I should be contemplating the huge amount of laundry that has collected in my bedroom but right now I am obsessed with getting a kickass set of oil pastels. Gone are the days (for the time being, at least) of going out to an art supply store on a whim and buying what I want, when I want it. That sucks. I checked the two places that *might* have something, and came up empty. Even from the store that claims to have art supplies. A couple of sketch pads and colouring pencils do not count as art supplies, in my mind. Maybe for a 6th Grader.

Mind you, don't be surprised if I come home with those very things on the weekend. I'm desperate for colour. I've got a few large-ish sized canvasses in the next room, waiting for me to ruin them with thoughts and ideas. I can hardly wait. The gesso isn't even dry, yet.

In other news, a childhood friend (and artist) surprised me by asking if he could do a portrait of, well...me. I said yes, and when possibilities were mentioned, he brought up sculpture. I said, hell yes. I can hardly wait to see what he comes up with. Burning to know, in fact.

Gotta run. Hot Dogs are getting cold.

watch out: girl talk

2009-07-09T21:08:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I know. Another photo of my awesomeness. I just can't help it, I suppose. Kidding. I bought this Urban Decay thing on the plane in Duty Free. It's called the Book of Shadows and has 16 different shades of eye shadow. It's *amazing* I like rich colour, different colours and something that just looks like it will be awesome on your eyelids, other than the ordinary browns and pinks that most girls seem to favour.

I'm talking Absinthe green and Protest (which is what I am wearing in above photo) along with Chanel mascara (best mascara I have ever tried and will procure as soon as I can figure out how to get it here). Also purples, some shocking pinks with glitter, colds, a dark blue called Goddess. And black of course. I've already tried a combo of the dark blue with a light green called Shattered. Another day was a light and dark pink called Grifter and Last Call respectively. The little set also comes with two brushes (which work surprisingly well) and a tube of eyelid primer (who knew we needed such a thing). The primer works amazingly well. Keeps the shadow in place all day, no creasing or movement.

Anyhow, I've decided to dry a different combo every day. But now I just want more Urban Decay shadows. I have had one dark purple one called Ransom which Chunk gave me awhile ago (she said I'd better use it because it cost her $30 dollars) and yeah, I definitely use it when I want to punch things up a little. It has proven to be a very good product. More Urban Decay for me.

But now, I'll be wearing crazy colours on my eyes all the time. Yay me!

In other news, I've posted more photos on Flickr. Just a shot of the living area. I hope to get some photos done this weekend, I have some ideas that I'm kicking around and if I can get the light right, then game on.

I'm also planning a trip to San Francisco in January. There's a conference there that work will pay for me to attend, and I will add a few extra days to hang with Jet and Marie. It will be fun. I wish I could go have brunch at that diner in Malibu, hee hee.

Gotta run. Movie time and Bailey is trying to tell me a story.
night, kids.

it's all just pictures in your mind

2009-07-03T17:51:00.000-04:00

You’re holding her hand…
I know I’ve only just gotten back from a month long vacation, and in fact have only been living in current location for less than 3 months, but my need to plan things out past one year has kicked in again.

I blame the not-being-on-vacation melancholy. Yes, I am bringing that up again.

Regardless, I’ve been looking at Grad schools and have come up with a tidy little list of which to apply to. I’ve started looking early because I know I’ll leave it to the last moment and turn in a terrible application. Those statements of purpose really, really kick me in the junk with respect to what I want to say, and what I actually put down on paper. This is mostly because I am lazy, not unable. Lame, I know.

The plan is to apply to attend the Fall of 2010, at which point I will have been here for over a year and will decide on whether or not I want to stay in this particular community and job, or if I want to head somewhere else (I mean, after I finish school). Currently, I’m really leaning towards Dalhousie University. It sounds amazing.

Joy in small places today and yesterday:
- it’s Friday!
- Yesterday was taco day in the cafeteria, which was cool.
- Pay day today, meaning potato chips for snacks tonight.
- It’s almost lunch time, and we are all going to a restaurant.
- Hawksley is playing in Alberta next week. I am contemplating attending despite the promised 12 hour drive to venue.
- I'm picking up a 6 pack of Guiness after work to swill in the privacy of my own home.
- Pay day also means grocery shopping, and cherries have arrived...woo.
- Even though I want to sleep in for the next two days, I have plans to meet up with new friends for frivilous garage-sale-ing and fish and chips at Fishermen's Wharf (an actual wharf with vendors).

Lots to get done this weekend, I think. I need to prepare the packages of presents I bought for the family, so they can be mailed off sometime next week (have to hunt around for right sized boxes). Clean the one last room that Bailey has messed up in the house (seriously, I'm not just blaming the dog). Groceries. Maybe a barbecue tank (not sure because I might blow myself up hooking it up). Small household things that I need to get a move on.

I had a fire going on Canada Day, while I was reading on the couch. It was nice. But I think I miss my television now. *grin*

I want to take my time.

2009-06-28T23:15:00.001-04:00

I'm tired, but don't feel like going to bed. I want to keep reading a book I've read before, on the couch in the living room, covered with an Indian print sheet of fabric I picked up in Galway. The quiet cleanliness of the living area and the sound of a light rain pattering on the poplar leaves outside is a balm on what ails me.

I don't really know what ails me. Nothing new, I suppose.

Cigarettes I light, burn too quickly in the ashtray. There isn't enough time from when I wake up to going back to bed to fit in all the leisure activities I want to indulge in. I guess this is where the wish to be independently wealthy comes in.

Grateful for joy in small places.
- I still have a carton of 'Irish' cigarettes left in the freezer.
- there was no ring on his left hand.
- my washing machine works perfectly.
- the water that comes out of the faucet is hot and ready.
- Matt gave us a preview of a track from upcoming album on his website.
- my living room is unpacked and I have a new reading perch.
- the wind billows the dining room curtains in a quiet wispy way.
- the rain.
- I have 14 new-to-me movies to get through.
- Bailey is starting to forgive me.
- my laptop still plays music to me, like a lover.
- I bought a new copy of Micheal Clayton and have watched it 3 times since I got home.

Above photo was taken shortly before we left Inishbofin to get back to mainland in Ireland. I lagged behind, smoking and taking photos. Thinking to myself. Lighting more cigarettes.

I'm told one will be in a funk after a vacation. While feeling not too bad, there are small periods of melancholy that sneak in. I take this to be normal. For me, anyhow. I catch myself planning another big move and mentally tell myself to stop, enjoy the current location as it's only been a couple of months and everything is good here (so far). I feel like a shark that can't stop moving.

I feel like I could like the taste of blood.

where my people come from.

2009-06-24T19:21:00.001-04:00

there's something in the way you move...
I'm back home now, in the Northwest Territories of Canada. The trees burst into green flame while I was away, everything seems to be the same colour as it was in Ireland, minus the almost carnal colours of the blossoms and blooms that entranced me. But there's a lot to be said for velvet greenery, in any case.

As for me and my house, it is not in order. I came home to the quiet chaos I ordinarily live with and when confronted with that, as compared to how other people live, I cringed and shut the door behind me. Surveying the mess, I decide to put off any cleaning duties minus laundry until the weekend, when I can dedicate a day or two to it. A piece of furniture appeared in my absence, it will house my collectibles nicely.

Sometimes, I think I ought to do the dishes daily, and sweep, dust and complete a multitude of household tasks that normal people do. But then I think, screw it. I can live with dust and a few dirty dishes. It just takes a little getting used to, when I came home this time.

Bailey, one of the furry loves of my life, was happy to hear my voice and we just hung around last night watching Michael Clayton and eating Big Macs (he likes the pickles and I had to bring the McD food in from Yellowknife). I slept in my own bed (of 2 months) and liked it. I guess I like it, enough.

But, in my little bruised up purple coloured heart, I miss Galway. I mostly miss the people, maybe. Not sure. I just feel sad about having to leave and come back. I'm not used to that bit. Usually I am glad to see the last of one place and return and/or go back to another place. Remember with me, it's usually about the journey, not the destination.

I dreamnt last night that I saw you...
But I feel as though I really clicked with that place. My footsteps on cobbled stone and tiny doorways where I was constantly banging my elbows and knees. Ireland felt too small for me but I somehow shrank and it seemed to fit.

In any event, I also went to Scotland for a short trip. A sort of pilgrimage to where my father's people came from. The house is still there, ruins of it. But that's where my father's family originated. For the longest time, being a Native Canadian, a First Nations person, I used to long for a place where I could go that part of me came from. I didn't know of this family history until a few years ago, and since then had wanted to go there, touch the stones and feel it.

So, I did.

Champions of Nothing - Matthew Good
A Single Spark Explosion - Matthew Good

themselves, and nothing less

2009-06-13T19:30:00.000-04:00

In Ireland. It really is as green as you would imagine it. I take photos, and agonize over which ones to post to Flickr and gab on about. I've trawled shops and acquired many new things to drape over my body and adorn my face. I even went on a tour bus to check out Irish countryside.

I'm in new Brand heaven, almost overwhelmed with the choice of different kinds of cheese and what to drink in the grocery stores. I don't particularly care for chocolate but seem to be eating a lot of it. Galaxy bars seem to be the fave, so far.

I'm having a great time talking with my old best friend from High school. She's getting cozy in her nest, awaiting the birth of her first child with her awesome husband (who I really dig because he's himself, no matter what). I wish all of mine could be so happy.

Above shot was taken in Connemarra. I wanted to stop and pet the sheep but they probably wouldn't have liked me anyhow. They reminded me of Bailey.

I'm aware I post a lot of photos of myself. Quite the opposite of early journal days. But here's another, taken in a little Mexican restaurant a couple of days ago. My awesome new 70's style sunglasses and air of aloofness that I am eager to break. Aloofness, not sunglasses. I like this photo. I feel pretty when I look at it.

I'm a little awed by the Chanel mascara sample (something I covet but would never pay for) and the little things I pick out in tiny shops all over the place. Indian print fabrics, jangly bracelets and a huge moonstone ring to grace my ring finger on the left hand. Scarves of many colours and some shoes that punished my feet for the past few days but in the face of fashion (and how awesome the shoes are) I wear, still.

All in all, it's been great here so far. I would consider moving here (why not?) as it's a good a place as any. But who knows what the future holds for the next big move. Here I am, barely settled into Hay River, and already planning my next jump. I just need to relax for a little while. In 3 months I'll be ready to start planning.

In any event, must get going. It's bed time here and a new friend is taking my to the Cliffs of Moher tomorrow morning. Can't wait.

Also, a short trip to Scotland on the 17th to see where my father's people come from. Exciting, exciting.

Sleep tight, dear ones.

even here, you cross my mind like a breeze. Happy belated Birthday.

We both know...

2009-05-30T12:41:00.000-04:00

hold my hand...until the morning
It's T minus 3 hours to lift off from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. I'm sitting in my hotel room, interneting. Reading National papers and listening to music. Just enjoying the alone time that I covet so much (although I have tons of it, I always want more).

I packed very light. I have a small hot pink hardcase piece of luggage and my backpack which I carry on. Much of my stuff is scattered around the hotel room like a timeline, which pieces of clothing I've worn over the past week. Eyedrops, makeup and headphones spilling out of the drawer beside the bed.

I was wide awake at 8 this morning. Now I feel like I could nap peacefully for an hour. But I'll hold off so I can rest on the plane. I think the ride from Edmonton to Toronto is about 4 hours, long enough for a nap and various other activities.

I just have to repack things tightly into my bag and away I go onto the next bit of travelling. I'm looking forward to spending time with part of my family in London for a couple of days before heading to Ireland on Tuesday.

I'll keep updating while I'm away, I think. I'm also trying to figure out a way to get to Scotland on a short trip to see the family 'ruins'. Timing will be tight but I think it can be done.

Pictures of Scottish moors....wooo!!

Stop Joking Around - Hawksley Workman.

Where were you when we were getting high?

2009-05-25T09:24:00.001-04:00

I'm in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories sitting in the tiniest hotel room I've ever seen. I keep bumping into furniture to get to the bathroom. I'm not used to making little curving motions when moving. As if I'm am driving my body like a car around sharp corners.

I turned 33 the other day. Someone got a cake, sang the song (which I hate) and we all consumed sugary goodness for a few minutes while discussing travel plans and various other topics that came to mind. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

In other news, I've begun the first leg of my 'vacation'. I spend a week in Yellowknife for work related duties, then fly to Toronto from here on Saturday. Not soon enough, in my mind, but we all have to complete these things in order to move to the next level.

I feel terrible for leaving Bailey while I'm away. That's the thing with owning animals...one must remember that when getting another. So he's at the house, sleeping in our bed and probably wondering why some old guy is taking him outside and not me.

The photo above is something I took while on a mini hike near Alexandria Falls. There are poplars here and they smell so good in the spring.

it's Spring!!!

honking dogs and late for work. Again.

2009-05-21T15:19:00.001-04:00

I feel like my eyeballs are drenched in code. Swimming little quotation marks, back slashes and the pointy bracket symbols. All swirling around up there above my eyes.

I forgot to set my alarm last night. I awoke at 7:30 and scrambled, running around trying to figure out which activity I had to forego in order to make it to work on time. Coffee? Nope, kind of need that at this point? Makeup? Yup, I can live without black eyeliner for one day. Selecting awesome outfit? Yup, t-shirt and jeans today pulled randomly from closet. Half hour wake up call on the internet? Nope, I need to read the bare bones of online versions of the CBC and newspapers before I get out of bed. It’s just a habit. Makes me feel like I’m still ‘with it’ down South.

So, coffee steeping, taking the dog outside for his morning constitutional and frantically putting all ‘morning’ must haves in a priority list in my head, I was able to get to work.

5 minutes early.

In other news, Bailey has Kennel Cough. This must be the 3rd time he’s gotten it since I adopted him almost a year ago. I find it odd he gets this but is never in contact with any other dogs, so I’m not sure where he picks it up. He’s getting better now, but for the past week or so he’s been honking every hour, waking me up in the middle of the night. Lots of water and a few extra treats seem to make him feel less of a moron. Although really, you’d have to ask him.

Slowly mentally preparing for impending trip overseas. I’ll be spending all of next week in Yellowknife on some work business, then flying straight to Toronto from there to spend a couple of days with my nephews. I leave for Ireland on the 2nd. All that comes to mind is climbing in and out of airplanes. Weird how my mind organizes things.

The photo above is my darling Buckley and fluffy Beebs at my parents house. Taken by Number 4. On one hand, I want to bring those two to live with me here but I’m not sure how long I will stay…so, it’s hard to decide. Traveling would be rough on them both, and even though I’ve dragged Beebs all over Ontario, I feel it would be terrible to drag her to the other side of the country. Decisions, decisions.

My own beach at night

2009-05-14T19:26:00.000-04:00

365 posts.

I bought limes a week or so ago, thinking they would be good to have on hand for those many, many gin and tonics I scarf back. The joke being that even when I have all the makings around, I don't seem to want it as bad as when I don't (see various entries from months ago bemoaning the fact I did not have access).

I just seem to want things I don't have. Doesn't really seem to matter if I'll have them in the future, I'm very oriented in the mode of present time. Take this trip to Ireland. I wanted it, so I bought it. Actually going through with it is surprising me because the time flew by and here we are, a couple of weeks away from lift-off.

Not afraid to go, just surprised that it's almost time. I guess I'm more used to making plans, not so much in following through. Buying the limes, but not making the drink.

Came home tonight. Jumped in the shower, making it hot as I could handle. Listening to The Tragically Hip tell me about a small northern Ontario town. I'm a little homesick for my family. I often feel the urge to go and hide under my mother's bed when I'm sick. The teeth issue is no different. As though she could save me.

But the hot shower is almost enough to make me feel better. Water and skin. Just. It's cold here. The driving snow started just after 4 this afternoon. I leave little messages for Hawksley to return home all over the place.

Moon Over Marin - Matthew Good (Dead Kennedys' cover)

Not afraid of most things

2009-05-13T15:35:00.000-04:00

I'm not afraid of a lot of things. Things that most people are afraid of, I figure I will weather through like everything else gone wrong in my life. For instance, I'm not afraid of moving to new towns where I know no one. I'm not afraid of heights, water, snakes or bugs. I'm not afraid of being alone, or dying alone. I'm not afraid of death or being left by a lover. Nor flying, or of medical doctors, new people or new experiences.

But I am afraid of the dentist. Horrible childhood experiences left me the gift of fear of the person who roots around in your mouth with sharp instruments and ear-cringing hand drills. I mean, it's bad. I have to take anti-anxiety medication before I go, and have the gas to make me compliant. Although, sedation is ideal.

I went to the dentist today. This is probably my 3rd visit since moving here about a month ago. The first two visits were just to scope out the dentist and get a consult. I haven't heard great things about this dentist but desperately needed work done before I could even think about going overseas in June. I pictured abscessed teeth and falling out teeth while on vacation, and I would have hated for that to happen. Especially when I am supposed to be like...enjoying myself in Ireland.

So, biting the bullet so to speak, I went in this morning prepared for a root canal. With the aid of Ativan (so fucking handy, that drug). Physically shaking in the dentist's chair, and ear phones clamped in my ears listening to soothing favourite music, I had the procedure done.

And this is what I looked like when I got home.

Like something from The Grudge. I have no makeup on, and haven't really brushed my hair. I basically got out of bed, brushed my teeth and got dressed then went to the dentist. But my smile! So crooked, more than usual. And that droopy lip!

It made me laugh (in part because it's funny, and also because I had survived the dentist visit in one piece, less one nerve), so I decided to post it here for your giggling pleasure.

Stare in my glassy eyes and at my crooked smile and tell me that it's all alright.
*grin*

it's really about the hair and the pants

2009-05-11T13:56:00.000-04:00

Bad things can happen when you cut your own hair. I've learned this, but not really the hard way. Not yet. When I'm wearing my bangs short, I generally cut them myself. I used to be really, really good at it, too.

Then I moved to the North, and let my hair grow out from the short bob cut I decided to indulge in in December, 2007. I still don't really know what I was thinking. I'm obviously a long hair kind of girl. In any event, I decide to cut bangs super short, ala Bettie Paige in December, 2008. So I do. And I guess I like them. But they just don't seem to quite look like the way they used to.

So, I wonder. Is it my hair, all frizzed out from super dry condition in the Arctic? Had my preferred hair cut been outgrown by my ever expanding face? Or did I just fuck it up and cut too much?

These things I ponder while I look around for a good pair of scissors and think about how I need to cut hair again since I've moved into my new place. They are getting too long, and are uneven from my last hasty cut (but I live in the northern wilderness so I figured...who cares??) and I want to look nice. I mean, *now* I want to look nice. (I saw a guy the other day who was wearing the most perfect pair of pants, ala Stuart Chatwood in below video screen shot).

It's about the pants, really. Not Chats (this time). The photo is grainy, but you get the general idea about the pants. Anyway, this guy I saw had on a great pair of pants. Pants, pants, pants. I might be a little fixated.

Soooo...I am contemplating my next pair of scissors, and wondering how to get this right. I *could* go to a salon, but seems so silly to pay kind of a lot of cash for a simple little trim.

Why can't I have my old hair back??

How on earth did I cut them so perfectly before???
Stupid girl questions, I swear to god.

2009-05-08T16:10:00.001-04:00

A little man, hanging.

So much on my mind lately, it's all crammed in there like old newspapers in a cardboard box. Things you don't need but can't throw away. I'm leaving for Ireland in less than a month, something I've planned about 6 months ago. My spur of the moment purchase is coming and I'm looking forward to flying internationally. More airports to park my ass in. Can't wait to complain. A 6 hour flight full of gin and tonics, a couple of books and music.

Also, I've be able to link up a couple of flights from my current location to stop off and see my nephews and sister in London before I head to Ireland. And I have the option of meeting up with Craig in Philadelphia for a quick chat during a layover there (if checking in and out of security won't take too long).

Mostly though, I've been missing my family. I heard a song on the radio this morning that will always remind me of my brother-in-law. My sister and I were visiting in her kitchen and he was down in the basement, working on finishing it. I could hear the radio, and singing. Singing always makes me happy. I ask her: Is that Steve singing? She says no, he wouldn't sing.

Turns out he was. oh what you mean to meeee.... I have no idea who sings that song or what it's called but it's a Top 40 sort of thing and his voice was so clean. So that made me miss them this morning.

I wake up, have some coffee and feel good. It feels right here. Like I did something right. I am almost wondering how long that feeling will last, but a part of me tells me to shut up and just go with it. I haven't had a bad mood since I got here. So weird.

My highschool best friend and I have been emailing back and forth like crazy for the past couple of days. She's who I will stay with in Ireland. I ask her questions about internet access and cigarette prices. You'd think I'd be asking about vacation hot spots and tourist-y things, but nope...just concerned about getting the smoke issue settled. I want purple Silk Cut cigarettes but also want some of my own from Canada. Picky, picky.

I'll pack light. I spend a week in Yellowknife just before heading to Toronto to begin the Ireland trip, so I have to be a bit conscious of what I take with me. I'm worried because most of my pants are falling down despite the belt taken in to it's last notch, I don't really want to spend a lot before I actually leave the country.

Arg, blah blah blah.

The weather is warm today, the wind a tad chilly. I'm going to go home tonight and watch the last few episodes of Dexter season 3 (YAY!) and eat some cold watermelon. My phone, a little clamshell on the table beside me.

morning

2009-05-01T17:25:00.000-04:00

Bear with me if I've posted this photo before. I forget these things, you know. Especially since this journal is so long-running.

And the photo is sort of how I'm feeling today. Not in a bad way. Just in a clear eyed sort of way.
The weather is finally warming up here, and I'm finding my morning coffee ritual soothing and something I look forward to before I open my eyes while I'm lying there in that still unfamiliar bed. I will get used to it eventually, and you ought to know by now that I'm used to unfamiliar beds the way one is used to their own. Sometime it will be my own.

The water boils while I'm grinding coffee beans, smelling that rich scent that floats upwards and out. Bailey is waiting patiently for me to finish so he can go outside and check out the new smells of the melting ground. The coffee steeps while I'm outside with Bailey. I smell the poplar trees running with sap. I love poplar trees. So scenty. Then we come back inside and he eats his breakfast while I'm standing in the kitchen making my first cup and (still) marvelling at the simplicity of the coffee press.

Afterwards, I head back to the bedroom, surf the internet while I put on makeup or decide on an outfit. Start the car, go outside, and slip into it like a foot into a shoe, choose a cd and off I go to work.

2009-05-01T12:21:00.001-04:00

Ugh.

Having one of those "I can't believe I slept with that guy" moments.

Start here:

2009-04-29T21:45:00.001-04:00

Drove to a little town called High Level this past weekend. It's in Alberta. I've never been. I like crossing borders. Makes me feel as though I'm doing something totally different even though there's no real line separating one province from another. But according to everyone, there is a difference. Suddenly I'm meeting up with cars that have different license plates than I do, little red ones. Mine is in the shape of a polar bear. Not by choice, just what they happen to issue way up here.

I've had a great week so far. Things seem to be falling into place. I'm back in the cockpit of a car, with all of my music at my fingertips, or on shiny little discs that I have a fondness for making.

And now, I'm sitting in my bedroom listening to and searching for little covers of great songs that I adore. Live cuts, rare releases. It's like how I imagine crack cocaine to be. Lou Reed is in the background.

Bailey is in the other room, sometimes he gets stuck on the other side of the house not able to see how to make it back to wherever I am. I check my mailbox every day. I make coffee with my little french press, fresh ground beans (still working on the art of grinding) and slip into my makeup and clean clothes every crisp frosty morning. I feel like I'm living a real life again. One filled with the minutia I've missed from my London days.

But I look at the clock now and see it's time for the evening movie. And I just noticed that I have about 4 different versions of Sweet Jane. Also, for some reason...I have always felt Lou Reed could be a genius but he is a little...creepy.

:)

Don't forget about me.

2009-04-22T15:32:00.000-04:00

Found a place to live.

A trailer/house off the highway near the river just outside of town. Quiet, remote and surrounded by trees. A couple of bedrooms, a woodstove and an enclosed sun porch. Just what the doctor ordered. Although, truth be told, the kitchen is a scary eyesore. I might slap some paint on the cupboards just to brighten it up. It is totally 1960's trailer trash kitchen except for the appliances. But I can deal.

Movers dropped off *most* of my stuff yesterday, my television and a couple of bags missing (but apparently found and will be delivered later this week). Then this morning, I checked out of the hotel, dropped the rest of my things (luggage, etc) and Bailey off at the new house before hiking it back into town in time for work.

I have to tell you I'm already exhausted.

I don't have a car yet, the cab fare is about 30 dollars roundtrip, so I'm feeling a bit anxious about that. I still need some basic things for the house but am so tired and frazzled that they will have to wait until I have more time and inclination to get it all done.

Work seems good, I really like the people so far. Only39 days until the Ireland trip, then a long summer here in the Northwest Territories. I will try fishing again. As long as I don't have to kill what I catch.

Gotta run.
I am sure there is something else I forgot to do.
Email me, call me, text me.
Don't forget about me.

2009-04-08T22:50:00.001-04:00

Unfortunately for both Bailey and myself, he is not able to travel on a plane like the above photo any longer. I had to put him in a carrier for our last couple of airplane rides, and while he yelped for awhile he eventually settles down when the plane is in the air.

We left Nunavut today. Although I found out about an hour ago that he actually left Nunavut a couple of hours AFTER I did.

Yes, the airline LOST my dog. Rather, they misplaced him. For awhile.

When I arrived in Yellowknife, I checked at the counter to make sure he was doing ok and they couldn't locate him. In fact, there was no record of his ever having been on any flight at all today. So in a very calm manner, I say well he's my dog, here's his receipt of travel. Find. Him. Now.

Meanwhile, I'm holding up a plane that's going to Hay River because I want to know where the dog is before I get on another flight. Eventually, in my normal good nature (yeah, right...I just didn't know what to do), I said that since he is not actually in that airport (they searched everywhere apparently) we should just get on the plane and while we're in the air, they can do their magic searching thing and find my freaking dog. Or else there was going to be a very strange hell to pay when I got near a phone with my calling card. I would be waking up anyone and everyone who had anything to do with this particular airline.

I get to Hay River and was told they had located him, along with all of my luggage on a flight that had arrived shortly after we had taken off. So, an agent is taking him home tonight to look after him and he will be on the first flight in the morning.

All is ok. It's all sorted out.

but I still feel rather indignant that an airline freaking misplaced a yelping animal in an animal carrier with a tag that said it exactly where it was going. AND, I had taken him right to the counter and dropped him off there. It's not like I made him switch planes on his own or anything.
I cried on the flight to Hay River. Which disturbed me. I'm jet lagged, I can't tell what time it is because I'm in another time zone. I'm hungry, etc, etc. The flight attendant gave me wine. That helped. I can't believe I cried in public. Anyway. It's sorted. Bailey will be reunited with me tomorrow.

Thank god.
Ugh, this trip is so far...not turning out so well.

Nunavut's last entry

2009-04-06T12:46:00.001-04:00

the time is now, we're getting old...
It's almost time to jet. I've got 99.9% of my things boxed up and ready to go. I've stopped buying food. I've decided on the sets of dvds to keep in my luggage for Easter Weekend Marathon. My shoes, my curtains and my lovely photos are stashed away in sealed cardboard boxes, waiting for the time to be unpacked in a new space.

It's exciting. Anti-climatic for sure (I always find it is that way). But maybe in my mind, I've been gone from here for a long time. It's just time for my body to catch up with my head.
Always seems that is the case.

I've been looking at airfare for Cuba, thinking of tacking a week on to my Ireland trip so I can roll and smoke cigars with Leesa and Caleb. Not sure that will happen, but it's kind of fun to see what something like that would cost.

Tomorrow is my last full day in Nunavut. I will spend part of Wednesday climbing in and out of airplanes but I won't be spending a whole day in Nunavut. On to a new province/territory. Time to shake off some of this old, and paw my hands through the new. That is the part I'm most excited for. The new.

The unknown.

So I leave my last entry in Nunavut, with a photo taken of me last year in Pangnirtung. Fun times in a dry community...who would have thought?

I'm tired of seeing you bundled up in all those clothes...
I've definitely had an adventure here. It wasn't the swash-buckling, crazy marathon adventures some can claim. I never did get to see a polar bear, or sit in an igloo but I met some fantastic people and bonded with a community in such a way that it almost pains me to leave now. Countless airplane rides, frequent flyer miles and a grinning face no matter which way I turn. Yeah. It's been good, but I'm really ready for something else.

Next, please.

Mexico - Hawksley Workman

Look at me now...

2009-04-03T13:17:00.001-04:00

I'm procrastinating.

I still have my bedroom (big huge scary mess) and the kitchen to pack up. In fairness, I am not altogether sure what to leave unpacked since I'm not leaving until Wednesday. Might need stuff before then. Like blankets.

So, in a few minutes when I'm done my 3rd cup of coffee and 10th cigarette, I'll head upstairs to start sorting out the mess that I need to bring along with me to Hay River, Northwest Territories. A tiny town at the mouth of McKenzie River. It reminds me of bush planes, and voyegeurs portaging (spelling, anyone?) through thick damp, mucky forests in the 1700's and the first taste of diversity in Canada. Bad history that was probably not so great in the present, either.

you've been looking for god...you've been down on your knees...

today is beautiful. Yesterday was, as well. I could have sat in a lawnchair in my winter parka outside for hours just soaking up the sun. well, on my face, anyway. Cold enough to need the parka, but not so cold that I need to cover every inch of my skin. I no longer need my longjohns when walking to the store. So many things I could be shedding right now. Clothes, dishes, silverware, books.

All in a little trail behind me. It's just stuff. I no longer have a favourite bowl, or drinking glass. I stick to water bottles and disposable forks. It just seems nicer. Lighter. Easier to make my escape.

Look at me now.

Lullaby - The Tea Party

2009-03-28T18:19:00.001-04:00

I'm so glad it's Saturday. I was so glad it was Friday yesterday, as well. I left Pang and came back to Hall Beach meaning I spent the majority of my time on airplanes yesterday. I always think I'm so used to flying around, but I still get a little leery when there's a rough landing or something. But Bailey and I arrived safely.

Between flights in Iqaluit, I ran out and got take-out Chinese to bring back with me. I have priorities.

Then home and the Sopranos and chinese food last night. I stayed up late, and slept even later today. I've just been tooling around on the internet since getting up. My cup of coffee is cold, and my cigarettes just don't taste as good as they should.

More chinese food and Sopranos slated this evening. It's a lively night planned, let me tell you.
In other news, I've accepted a job offer and am moving in about 1.2 weeks to the Northwest Territories. I will be in a 'real' town with a lot of other people, a new apartment, and new things to explore. Most importantly (in my mind, right now) is the fact I will be able to drive out of the new place anytime I want to. I can explore to my hearts content in my spare time. I'll be buying a car, and paying new bills and having new experiences with a different cultural group.

I'm excited. I kept things in the background with this new venture just because nothing was set in stone. I guess it is now. I'm a little sad to be leaving the friends I've made, and the community here, but I feel like I'm pretty much done with my experience in Arctic Canada.

I will be in Yellowknife in May for work related reasons, and hope to clap my eyes on the houseboat community they have there. They apparently have drive in movies in the summer, only you go in a canoe not a car....how cool is that?? I'll also be in a new time zone, which will make for interesting phone calls as I am sure I will forget what time it is in other places when I get the urge to chat.

on to new things.

from the lips of Hawksley Workman

2009-03-25T11:38:00.000-04:00

I used to listen to *a lot* of Hawksley Workman. He was always on in the background, I read his writings and musings like they were the last drops of water from a bottle and I was in the desert. I just devoured anything he came up with.

And I spread the word. But after awhile. It was like I let out a secret secret and suddenly it didn't seem so good. I still enjoyed it, but not to the degree I once had.

BUT. I was recently reminded of a live thing he did for the CBC. Oh. My. God. It's hilarious and real, and sexy and it's so good, I had to transcribe (most of it) and post it here for your viewing pleasure. Email me if you want a copy of the mp3. Seriously. It's amazing.

And I trust my lust.
It’s Deep and it’s dirty and it’s dark and it’s true.
It’s deep and it’s dirty and it’s dark and it’s true.
It feels so low and it’s kind of slow and it’s not very fast either.
Trust your lust
Yep, wouldn’t trust anything else, not like my lust.
Thank goodness you’re the least terrible deadly sin. Never thought you were all that bad anyway.
With your writhing on the floor and your all night cravings
Never thought you were that bad anyway
And you feel nice in my hip pocket, close to my skin
And you help me sway when I walk…
You’re really not that….bad.
And I don’t take you to meet my mother, but I know she knows were together
I wouldn’t take you to Christmas dinner or thanksgiving too
I trust you lust, but I wouldn’t introduce you to my mother
No…never!!!!
Oh lust, you make me do things they say I’m not suppose to
Well look at them, walking so stiff and holding their little faces so tight
Pretending that *that* something isn’t there
Like they got it all figured out!
But you can’t be mastered and you can’t be beaten!
And they day will come when they will break down, weeping at your feet!
You can only fight the animal for so long till you become it…and it becomes you.
So just trust your lust.
Just trust your lust.
Your lust….your lust!!

2009-03-18T16:54:00.000-04:00

I think I might have a serious attitude problem. For some reason, some of my bosses piss me off. In my mind, serial crazy bosses=gish not thinking right.

Anyway, I'm on a banana cream pie pudding kick again. And Royal Gala apples. The fact that I can find those things in the Arctic is a miracle in itself. The fact that I am back to thosr sort of eating habits is a bit weird.

Last time I ate those things, I watched the sky change colours as I made frantic calls to MG (and still to this day, am amazed at my utter lack of shame as I related any and all events to him...I sometimes wonder if I said anything about the Apostle to him---so embarassing if I did) and smoked so many of those delicious cigarettes. I also ate a ton of pudding cups, and crisp Fall apples, and slowly lost my mind. Or maybe it wasn't really there to begin with.

In any event, that's what I was reminded of when I had a pudding cup last night. I bought all kinds of healthy things to eat, then only ate apples and pudding cups for dinner before heading to bed early.

I'm away from home on a work trip. I brought Bailey with me, carried him on the plane in a canvas bag then got into trouble for that in Iqaluit. But we got to eat in a chinese food restaurant and now we're in another Northern community, hanging out and working.

But I have to go now because I only just got on the internet at work, and I think that I will get in trouble for not documenting my time every 15 minutes (no shit). And somehow 'updating my journal' would probably not be that well accepted.

until later, go eat an apple.

think of me.

I Hold you close in the back of my mind

2009-03-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

neither of you really help me to sleep anymore

had a few drinks with friends tonight. A board game and some laughs. Caleb has excellent aim, and hit me in the middle of the forehead with a game piece. Although, I forget the reason why, now. Typical. I must have made a bad joke.

Have a lot on my mind, the past few days. I want to say it's nothing a few days on my own won't fix, but I have the feeling that being left alone with my thoughts is a bad idea, because I can get so self indulgent. Typical of gemini's maybe. Definitely for me. But I can't help it. I've tried thinking of other things, and I guess I will just have to admit things to myself at some point. Just not now. Later. Always later. It's just going to blow up in my face, as usual. So I put it off.

But tonight, I have a few hours to myself, thinking of watching a movie, starting the John Irving book that I've been meaning to read for years, and just relax. Chips, maybe. Or cheezies. Water and cigarettes. A candle burning to my right on the nightstand, and little paper lantern lights lit above my vanity. Ryan Adams in the background when I go to sleep. yeah, sounds like the perfect night.

I was writing earlier, before anyone stopped by. But I had to stop because it was getting to close. I want to write about everything in my head, but when it comes out on the page, it just freaks me out a bit. *grin*

Hope everyone has a kickass saturday night. Oh, the photo above is Bailey and the John Irving book, Until I Find You. So appropriate.

La Cienega Just Smiled - Ryan Adams

I am running at 65% capacity.

2009-03-06T22:32:00.001-05:00

I am running at 65% capacity. I can't figure out what the deal is. Well, I can, but not a lot can be done right now. not unless I have a runway to land on. Some place to taxi into.

Plans have been started for this landing place. Just need for a little time to go by, and I was never too good with patience. At least, having it. Must be a work in progress.

I've been watching movies all afternoon, pecking away at some Flash fiction (which I just love writing, it's my new thing) and reading short stories by some unknown (to me) female writer in Canada. At least one of us is getting read. But I brought something like 90 movies up with me, plus procured a ton more via Amazon (not counting the endless tv on dvd I've got stored up like a squirrel storing acorns) and haven't really watching much other than the new stuff that came in over the past year. Depressing. So I am on a little mission to watch old favourites this weekend (work permitting).

One Cusack movie and I see a resemblance between my first longtime (10 years of a lovely alcoholic mother-in-law among other things) boyfriend and Mr. Cusack. Daaaamn. It's like finding out that your favourite fat free dessert is chock full of fat, preservatives and (somehow) cancer causing carcinogens.

Don't get me wrong. I'll still indulge in that Cusack movie goodness, but sheez.

I've been thinking a lot about painting lately. Due to a lot of restrictions, I didn't bring any large canvases with me just small little 8 by 10s. Which are not conducive to my sort of paint splattering. I've tried ver the past year to produce something I would keep, but nope. Nothing yet. Mind you, I haven't tried that hard. Maybe tomorrow.

After I sleep for 12 hours.

Been listening to and old favourite of mine and Sam's by Southern Culture on the Skids (Walk Like a Camel) and it still makes me laugh. And wish for a cowboy hat, for some reason. Oh and horny boots. Oh yeth.

So, hyperlink me outta here, baby.

2009-03-04T18:20:00.000-05:00

into the crowded streets I go...
Such a round sounding song. Things feel like they are happening today. Or in the very least, have the potential to happen. I like it. I dig the possible changes that come around. Funny. Years ago, I couldn't handle change. Wasn't part of my make-up. Now it is. Something new and terrifyingly different every year, it seems like.

Makes me want more. But that will be secret for awhile.

Remember this?

Thinking about my old house, or rather the apartment in London when I arrived after skipping my last class of my university career to see Matthew Good for the first time. My car was crammed full of pets and blankets and my computer.

But thinking about that house. How I liked and hated it at the same time for it's intensity and regularly falling apart features. I miss the backyard, though. Those peach trees and wild weeds, looking like a mighty forest in the middle of that downtown neighbourhood. Yeah, I miss it. I wrote a piece about that house. I might post it, we'll see.

Postcards sent, for better or worse. Mostly everyone will get a laugh. Once I get new interesting photos, I'll order more cards. Feel free to leave your mailing address in a comment, and I'll do my best to get one out to you. See how accommodating I've become. I think it's age.

Even if I still colour my hair black.

Bedtime, at least...reading time. I have a few books I've been meaning to read. But life keeps interrupting me.

Crossed Out Name - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals.

the money we make.

2009-03-02T14:03:00.000-05:00

It's a chilly one here today. The tips of my fingers and toes feel like ice water. I didn't wear longjohns today. I should have. Yes, there are several different types of underwear one must wear in this climate. I remember my mother trying in vain to get me to wear longjohns when I was a kid. I did everything I could to get rid of them, but they kept popping up no matter what. I think she finally gave up when I was around 12.

Now I'm there again, pulling those bastardly things up because they always make my pants fall down. It's annoying, although truth be told they really do keep you warm! Shows how much I thought I knew, back in the day.

Had a little tiny get-together at my place this past weekend. But in the aftermath, I just felt too peopled-up and indulged in complete alone time in my bedroom for the rest of the weekend. Just myself and Bailey, some dvds, a lot of books and a tuna fish sandwich or two. It was good, but not enough. I'm feeling the need for more alone time.
Luckily, it's fairly quiet in the office today.

In other news, I wrote a bunch of postcards for friends. Flickr has the option of using one of their affiliates make you a set of postcards out of your photos. I'd ordered a few sets last Spring (maybe summer) and haven't used too many of them. So, I wrote a whole slew of them out, and intend to post them today. There's a zinger in one of them. I hope that doesn't come back to kick me in the teeth.

Mind you, if I wasn't somewhat interested in a response (please, any response/god, *any* response??) then I wouldn't have written it and sent it out, right? We'll see, if I actually mail it or not. I just can't forget the man's hands, no matter how hard I try or how much time has gone on.
Strange.

2009-02-17T18:56:00.000-05:00

I should stop complaining, but it sucks that there isn't a lot to photograph around here. Just blank white space. Don't get me wrong, some parts of Nunavut are beautiful. There are a lot of places with mountains, and glaciers and huge expanses of aqua coloured water that tastes a little salty on your mouth. Great places. Unfortunately, Hall Beach (where I happen to be hanging my hat lately) is not one of those spots. We do have some things to take photos of, but I've exhausted those avenues. And it sucks.

So, today I filled in family members on my goings-on. Bailey, the blind Arctic wonder dog has been a god-send basically because he takes up space in my bed and reminds me when I wake up in the middle of the night that I'm not alone in the room. Especially since I wake up on average, 6 or 7 times a night, at 2 hour intervals. I don't know why, it's just the way things have been for the past year. It doesn't feel as though I've gotten a a good nights sleep in years. Then I cringe because it's just another complaint in the long list I've seemed to compiled.

A care package arrived from home. My parents are not regular mailers, so anything in the mail is awesome. So, I had to call and let mom know that it got here in one piece and humbly ask for another package to be mailed this week. I hope they do.

Wednesday tomorrow. The middle of the work week. Too bad I wasn't doing something other than pushing paper right now. Maybe next year.

2009-02-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

Buckley, with corn he stole from one of the nephews.

I've been thinking about the dogs at home in Ontario. How they are getting along without me, Marble sleeping days away on his bed, Buckley bugging the cat thinking she's his good buddy. I wouldn't have survived the Arctic if it wasn't for Bailey, the adopted blind wonder dog, I wouldn't have lasted a year in this white wasteland.

Bailey and I have been lounging on the couch, me playing endless games of spider solitaire and back to back episodes of Rescue Me. And Bailey, napping beside me, upside down. Dogs sleeping upside down make me grin like an idiot.

I did some research and found out that Bailey can travel with me on Air Canada flights whenever I decide to head back down South for keeps. Just a suitcase full of dvds, books and Bailey in a flight carrier and I'll be on my way.

Just waiting for a fly by date.

2009-02-11T13:35:00.000-05:00

adjust my night time eyes to see you swim as ancient swimmers did...
ok, I give. I'm in a bit of a funk. I can feel it getting worse as I jump from idea to idea. I think I'm ready to leave the Arctic, or my job, more specifically. I'm not feeling challenged enough and need more to keep my brain busy most days.

And I miss who I used to be, when I lived down south. Not to say that I would stick around there either after a few months, but I'm ready for another change. For some reason that I haven't figured out yet, I need to move around and start new things. Something new and exciting. Whatever.

Instead, I'm here. Stuck in the afternoon gloom, without a real end in sight. I don't do so well without structure and boundaries.
I'm just blah.

Violet's interview questions.

2009-02-03T15:48:00.002-05:00

1. You are very much "musically attuned" - if you could only listen to one album for the rest of eternity, what would it be and why?

Excellent question. I don’t think I’m musically attuned, I think I just have too much time on my hands. Unfortunately, this is not a one albumed question (for me, at least). I would choose two albums. The first being Avalanche by Matthew Good and the second is Cold Roses by Ryan Adams. Subject to change without notice.

Matt’s debut solo album is amazing. There is so much to ‘dig’ into that you can’t really do it in one sitting. I mean, you can but you know what they say about gluttony. Plus, I find the overall sound and vibe of the album somewhat calming. Also, the album has my Number 1 favourite song ever, Weapon.

There are a few slow ones to get the mood going, and a ton of hard ones you can rock out to in your underwear in front of the television.

As for Ryan Adams’ record, his stuff is still fairly new to me (by about 2 years) so I don’t feel as though I have a really strong grasp on the whole deal. I love it, that’s for sure and the guy has enough material floating around that it was like a fun-for-all buffet when I first stumbled across him. Cold Roses seems to be a pretty diverse album in that it has a mixture of songs that I adore along with ones I haven’t paid much attention to. Thus, I’d probably have to listen to it about 200 more times before being confident in like/dislike of unheard material.

Plus, he’s funny looking and takes pictures of his shoes….how could I not like a guy like that?

2. As an artist, what do you most enjoy painting? What do you havelittle-to-no interest in painting?

As a painter, I only have interest in painting things that make me feel sick. If it doesn’t make me want to barf, then (in my head) the piece isn’t very good. I have no interest in painting happy, lovey dovey kind of works. It could be that my perspective is skewed but there it is.

3. Describe one of the very best things that's ever happened to you.

Being diagnosed bipolar. It's explained A LOT of shit. It's also made things easier to accept and has challenged me in trying harder to get things I want.

4. Cheese: Overrated, underrated, or something in between? And,related, which is your favourite cheese?

Dude, cheese is SO underrated. So versatile and diverse. My favourite cheese is feta (Canadian feta, not goat milk feta). Salty, cheese curd-like, and keeps almost forever in the fridge.

5. If you were famous on a huge scale, which current celebrity do youthink you'd most resemble in terms of behaviour/style/lifestyle?

I’m going to answer this honestly, not how I’d like to. *grumble*Unfortunately, if one looked at me a few year ago, I’d have to say I resemble Brittany Spears in stupid behaviour and lifestyle. Well, up until a year ago when I moved to the Arctic and have not had *that* much of an opportunity to act like a dumbass.

Now, I’m like Liev Schriber. I too, would lose my mind if hounded by press within one city block. Plus he dresses half decently (like I used to) and is introverted and freaking smart. Oh and he’s kinda hot, too in a non-obvious sort of way.

p.s I did not take this photo. Ryan Adams did, available at his Cardinalogy site.

But you don't really care for music, do ya?

2009-01-17T21:23:00.002-05:00

The sun has come back for short appearances at 10 in the morning. It sneaks a peek up over the farthest southern horizon you can look to, then sinks back down like a balloon losing air. Truth be told, I hardly missed it's absence. The dark is so soothing.

the baffled king composing Hallelujah...

Well, its been a bit of a rough day. Work demands strain the quality of my time spent in isolation at my new perch in Igloolik. Just here for work matters until Thursday. I have a new roommate in Hall Beach and she seems great so far. But there always is the honeymoon period. So I'm not expecting much, either from myself or her. No expectations, means no disappointments later on.
One of my secrets has been aired by another. Despite the initial burst of anger and self-righteousness, things seemed to have calmed down in my mind. I guess this stage is what one would call: Damage control. So I've sent out my white flags, and can do nothing now but hope for the best. Silly really. I never hope for the best. I have just gotten used to expecting the worst.
but I'm not really in the mood for damage control, either. In this instance, I'm hoping (oops, bit of an expectation here) that we can all act like adults and move on. But I sense that is unlikely. I can blame the one who spilled the beans, or I can blame myself for indulging myself in his audience. Either way, the damage is done.

So, I'm sitting here in the chilly living room of the house I am temporarily occupying, typing this out and listening to an old favourite. A hot bath has been drawn and bloodletting is on my mind, little silken swirls of it in steamy hot water. Memories, I suppose. Or scenes of a movie I can't look away from.

My fingernails are painted baby blue, an opposite to the black I had gotten during my airport manicure in Toronto last week (feels like a month ago). I've only been home for a week yesterday and yet, it feels as though I've been missing in action for quite some time. Or that I've been underwater, swimming. Night swimming. And only coming up for air now. This past week has felt absolutely endless.

My thoughts have turned back to what to do, where to go next and the center of my mind has been focused on teaching english overseas. Vietnam calls me, has called me in the past and it looks like a reality. Or it looks like it could become my reality. If I so choose. The idea of social work in another community or back in Ontario is not an attractive one....just now. Perhaps later.

you know, I used to live alone before I knew ya'...

My bath water is waiting, but I just got off the phone with Craig who is on his own tonight with his very busy offspring, Benji, so he has to call back once things are settled down in his household. In effect, I'm on hold. Just not on the line. Nothing's on the line. He tells me about the song he wrote for me, the lyrics should make me uncomfortable, they are that close...but instead, I'm just eager to hear the finished product and add it to my collection. He's so dear to me in an abstract sort of way, this Craig.

I'm still even, I think. Despite my efforts to sabotage the sense of being even just to see what would happen. Nothing is what has happened. And this makes me feel content.

I just want to get moving. Time to go somewhere else. Time to plan, makes solid plans and follow through. My trusty little dog packed up with me, and off I go. But that's a little ways away yet. Now is the money saving time. Later, will be the fun time.

It's just a shame I can't combine the two and do what I do best....leave.

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

I still hate New Years

2009-01-02T19:42:00.001-05:00

Rose and I, ringing in the New Year at some club opening in London, Ontario.
Truth be told, I'm still exhausted. I think it's a combo between running around all over the place at a constant pace for the past 3 weeks, and my mood.

I still hate New Years, but didn't kick anyone, or get into a drunken brawl at the bar. I did however, buy pants that were too long (which necessitated a lot of hoiking up during the night) and awesomely high black patent heels and pink silk stockings. I wore a fancy bar under a satin jacket and it all pulled together nicely enough, I suppose. Nothing to remark about the night in general except that I ended up walking back to my fancy hotel in my bare feet because the snow was on a mission to make me slip and fall. At my age, a hip breakage could be bad news *grin*

Oh, and people did take photos of my breasts all evening and tell me I was pretty. Weird.

I'm at Rose's now, typing out this entry, about to have dinner and then an early bed time with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to lull me to sleep. I just need this. Time to slip underwater and come up for air tomorrow morning. A couple of days left in London, then back to my mother's neck of the woods before finally flying back to Nunavut on thursday.

Mixed emotions about the vacation, although I am glad I came for it. I've managed to grab a few things that will be very useful for me Up North, and I have had a lot of time to spend with family. In fact, one more day to go.

And of course, with all that has been going on, I have this urgent need to figuratively wrap cotton around my ears and eyes so I can block out for awhile. But...that will have to wait, unless I manage it tonight.

ok, I'm out.
G.

2008-12-26T18:24:00.001-05:00

I forget how far along I am in, on vacation. Enjoying the quiet warmth of mom's house. Sneaking Marble and Buckley into the no-dog area at night so they can sleep with me under the covers. And playing with the stuff I got from Santa. A hot new iPod in purple with enough space to fit my entire music collection 3 times over and a camera small enough to fit into the palm of my hand for easy on-the-go photo taking. It's been a good Christmas.

Here is Danny (the 2nd nephew), dancing in his Christmas concert here in West Bay, where he now lives with my parents.
He's the one in the white shirt with his jaunty santa hat and smooth leg moves.

Tomorrow, I embark on the southern leg of my vacation trip. A week to be spent in Southern Ontario, gin soaked nights and endless take out sessions from The Vietnam Restaurant. Also, I get to spend time with my newest nephew born last month, and my little Niko who is expecting to see his Auntie Gish soon.

I sleep the sleep of the content for the time being. The nights are dark, and the days are light, all is as it should be in the normal world. This of course, includes the manic frenzy of the nephews playing around the house. I head to London tomorrow with my oldest nephew, Riley on a 7 hour roadtrip. It's a good thing he takes excellent direction when it comes to what I want to be played on the stereo.

Gotta run. Number 4 put a bottle of rum in my xmas stocking and I have a flask to fill.
Nightie,G.

2008-12-24T18:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Beauties,
Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Love, G.

a tiny odyssey

2008-12-18T22:41:00.002-05:00

December 13, 2008. 2:00 p.m.
get the wheel, lets go for a ride...
Jesus Fucking Christ. I love going to places. Staying in one spot for too long drives me a little batty. But the getting to the plane, being in the plane also drives me a little nuts. Sartre was totally spot on: Hell is other people.

Let me repeat: Hell IS other people.

No one has any consideration for anyone else. They are all just yackity yack at you no matter how engrossed you appear to be in your book. They listen to music (which in istelf is completely fine) but with ear phones that seem to be broadcasting the music to the rest of the plane rather than the person they are actually plugged in to.

I wasn't planning on pulling out my iPod to listen to music during the shorter flights because I've been totally lost in A Dull Roar by Henry Rollins (who, by the way totally gets what it is like to want to be alone) but the guy in the NEXT aisle over is listening to his iPod at some insane volume on the worst headphones, ear buds whatever...they are obviously not doing the trick. And I think it's old ACDC he's listening to. Great, the trailer trash music follows me everywhere.

go ahead, I said....erase
So, I'm sitting here, typing up a new entry on my laptop, trying to drown out the smells and noises of the people surrounding me. I guess I've been in the North too long, living it up on my own with too much relish, because last night I went into a bar to get a G&T and got a little twitchy for all the people in the place. All of them loaded, leering and loud. That didn't stop me from snorkeling down 4 drinks in 45 minutes before tottering out, but it wasn't the most enjoyable experience. I went back to the hotel room, listened to music, read and surfed the net.

I can see the airline ladies serving food ahead of me, and pouring drinks. They actually have wine. I wonder if I will have any. I don't think so. I am more hungry than anything else. It's a long plane ride (for me, anyway) of three hours, so maybe a bit of wine will help me conk out for a bit. Interesting to see my thought processes, isn't it?

Food time.

9:03 p.m.
are you still there? Yeah, I'm here
In Toronto. At a Perkin's restaurant next to the hotel I'm staying at. They lost my bag, which I expected. I don't know why. I just presumed that there would be an issue. Any time I am not dragging my luggage off a conveyor belt at each airport I ghost through, I just presume no one else will do it for me. And apparently I was right (this time). Luckily, I am used to travelling somewhat lightly, and packed everything essential in my backpack which comes on with me. Camera, laptop, sleeping clothes.

December 14, 2008. 9:08 a.m.
On a small plane to Sudbury, Ontario. Met up with Pam, a friend of mine from a few years ago. We keep in touch but so weird to run into one another just out of the blue. Took a photo. Will post later.

Bag found. All harmony restored to present state. Looking forward to landing and getting a coffee and having a long cigarette. This is only an hour long flight. Had one last night as well from Ottawa to Toronto. Watched a small part of The Dark Knight. I have a little thing for Heath Ledger. But we landed too quickly for me to get too far into the movie. Will have to pick it up at some point.

Almost 'home'. Where is home exactly...?

December 18, 2008. 10:32 p.m.
Updating journals. Alone in the house in Northern Ontario. Parents have gone to pick up one of the nephews in London. The christmas lights are on, the house must look like a beacon of sorts. The northern ontario winter is in full bloom and the snow falls while I'm outside smoking. Buckley and Marble in some sort of glory, with the treats I hand out and Beebs sleep beside me at night. I wish they were packable so I could bring them with me wherever I go.

Small road trip planned for tomorrow. Just me, music and the road. Black ribbons of it rising up in front of me. My mascaraed eyes and plumes of cigarette smoke.

Can you picture it, beauties?

Get the Wheel - Greg Dulli
The Lure Would Prove to Be too Much - The Twilight Singers

Everywhere I go, no one seems to know...

2008-12-12T11:15:00.001-05:00

The sky turned the colour of glowing emeralds last night. It was late, past 11. I wandered around the house, listening to music, smoking cigarettes and trying to decide what I should pack for my trip home. I usually leave it to the last minute, and that's not something I mind, it's just the way I usually do things.

I have probably posted this photo before, but wanted to again. It feels like home, almost. Something so familiar, I will never forget the lines.

I feel like a total heel for leaving Bailey behind for a month while I go gallavanting around Ontario. He's become closer to me as time has gone by, and even though I am sitting in my office writing this out and he's at my friend's house less than half a 'block' away, I miss him. Really missed him last night as I closed the lights and went up to my bedroom. I am used to hearing the sounds of his following me on the stairs, and his nosing around on the bed until he's comfortable. I've gotten word from my friend that he's followed her into the shower, is eating constantly (very unlike him) and that sort of makes me feel as though he misses me too. Which makes me miss him more. I hope he doesn't get too attached to her. Even though I am obviously older, I would feel a tad betrayed. *grin*

So I will be home by Sunday. I have to have overnights in two cities, so even though I am leaving today, I won't arrive until early Sunday morning. Which I have accepted (even though I was crabby about having to stay overnight in Toronto). I guess now that I have lived so far away for awhile, it would be weird to leave and get there in the same day.

I don't have a lot of packing to do. I travel very light when leaving this place, and come back with more stuff. I'm taking a mostly empty suitcase, and a carry on that will hold my laptop, camera, etc. 2 changes of clothes, some toiletries and away I go. I'm happy to go, ok to stay, I suppose. I just wish I didn't have to go through the hassle of numerous airports to get where I'm going. That's the part I am really not looking forward to.

But here is a small list of things I am looking forward to:
- my dogs, Buckley and Marble. My cat, Beebs
- sushi
- take out food of any kind
- my mother's house, the warmth of it
- warmer weather
- not having to wear my gigantic parka for awhile
- shopping, new clothes, new cds, new movies, christmas presents
- DRIVING IN A CAR on paved roads
- coffee from a real coffee store
- my family
- seeing my brand new nephew, seeing my other nephews and spoiling them rotten
- gin and tonics (Taqueray, of course)
- get togethers with my friends
- long drives with music on the cd player
- grocery stores

I am sure there's more, just can't think of everything off the top of my head. I really can't wait to see my dogs and my cat. I do miss them terribly.

In any event, I have to get some work done at the office before heading home to finish packing. And I must check the weather to make sure my plane will arrive.

Ciao,
G.

it's been so long...and I've been waiting.

2008-12-06T00:59:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling alittle introspective at the moment. I read another's blog, someone I've followed for a number of years, someone I've felt a kinship with no matter what comes out of his mouth (it seems), and someone who inspires me when it seems he is at his lowest. This entry follows the same train of thought of one his more recent.

So I come here and tinker with words. I think back to past entries. The good ones. The ones I actually wanted to read myself. Ones I didn't hate. And I wonder where that girl went. Oh, some would say I'm still me, that that girl is still here, one in the same. But I don't think so. I think she's gone. She might make small appearances here and there, but she's really packed up and moved on.

And I shouldn't be sad. I mean, that girl got into a lot of trouble for her errant ways and ultimately led me to where I am today...alive and kicking. Still waking up each morning, breathing. But I still think back and admire some of the stuff she pulled off. And it feels like the art was better back then. I feel as though I am missing the passion, the fire that used to burn through me to do things. Well, I suppose it really is missing, given the changes that have happened over the past year. I guess that fire wasn't always so good. But it felt like it was.

The old me would have sent an email to my fellow blogger with a suggestion or a remark. Now, I just read and move on. It's almost an absence of feeling. The old me would have done *something*. Now, I just sit back.

Even though moving forward is apparently good, I still spend a fair amount of time looking over my shoulder. It's something I'm known for.

My rationale is this: how can I see where I am going if I don't know what I've done?

2008-12-04T15:24:00.001-05:00

I like to think there are certain things I can put up with. Actually, since moving here I've found that my tolerance for waiting and patience has risen dramatically. Where I used to fuss and get cranky at power outages, I now merely shrug and light some candles. It's nice that my candles are both pretty and functional. And I mean that in a completely non-Martha Stewart way.

But today has been an odd day. It's been the kind of day where you get good news, and lots of it, but it's like double edged in disappointment in some way. For instance, when I heard from my supervisor that I can now take the time off as planned in December to go home for Christmas, I was happy. But not so happy when I realised I would have to change the plane tickets *back* to their original dates at an added cost of 500 dollars.

Then, a job I had applied for (read: dream job) with no real hope of actually getting in for an interview. I don't mean that in a low self-esteem way, just being realistic as there are tons of people way more qualified than I am to take that position. In any event, I get a message and an email asking that I take part in the 2nd round of the interview process. I'm happy, and excited. So I call the guy back, then he tells me that yes there is a large pool of qualified applicants in the B.C area already from which they will likely hire someone, but that he would like for me to participate (if I still wanted to) to see where it went. So, I get to partake, but only until I get shot down in one of the rounds of the interview. Cool, but you kinda see where that is going :)

I took this the other night. A paper lantern that I have hanging in my living room. Like some kind of bohemian love-nest. Yeah. Right.

But no fear, dear beauties, I still have my cranky side. I've spent so much time on the phone with the airlines, that the operator I'm talking to is now familiar with my sighs andmoans of frustration. I don't understand, so early in the season *why* it's so difficult for them to put together the itinerary I had...from FOUR days ago.

I'm still on hold.
ugh.

secrets

2008-11-25T15:05:00.002-05:00

well, it seemed like a really good idea at the time.

oh lordy.

Bailey's new cut.

2008-11-18T16:22:00.001-05:00

When I went away to Igloolik for a couple of days, I had to get a 'dog sitter' for Bailey. I could have taken him with me, but given that even I didn't know where I was staying, I didn't think he'd look too kindly upon too much change. So, I went to the family I had adopted him from and asked them to look after him (for a small fee, of course). They agreed and even offered to through in a hair cut. I said "Sure!" and even told them to just do the cut in the way they normally did (he is around 12 or something). So, I left him in those caring hands and went about my business. I missed him but not as much as normal, knowing he was with his old family and probably loving it.

So here is a photo I took this past summer of Bailey. He was slightly puffier a couple of weeks ago, but this is generally how he looked.

Old Bailey:

Then. I picked him up after his baby sitting adventures. And this is what I got:

New Bailey:

I didn't even recognise him. I kept looking over the smiling children and jumping little dog, wondering...where's Bailey? Then I realised that the skinny, jumping little dog WAS Bailey. I was speechless.

Poor guy. I mean, here we are in -36 (with the windchill) weather and he gets stripped of all his insulation. It definitely limits the time he spends outside. Although, truth be told, he didn't spend that much time out there to begin with (thank god).
But, I just wanted to update quickly before heading home for a veggie dinner and Bailey, to watch Frasier reruns and go to bed early.

Aloha,
G.

when it used to take only one...

2008-11-14T13:22:00.000-05:00

I have been staying at work through lunch lately. Not because I'm being super efficient or anything like that, mostly because it's too cold to walk home and I would spend more time walking there than actually eating lunch and relaxing. So, I just throw a can of tuna or something into my backpack before leaving in the morning.

And plain tuna from the can is no fun, let me tell you. If I were more interested or involved in the whole cooking thing, I'd be making something in the morning that would be tasty to eat at lunch. But that spells a bit more effort and time than I am willing to put in, at the moment.

Work is...still work. I made some tentative plans with an old friend yesterday. I just decided that I would go to Ireland to visit her. I'm looking at 3 weeks in June. Air fare isn't too expensive and I'm already planning to pack my purple filter to take greener than green photos of Irish countryside.

Can't wait to waste my time in a pub, too.

The only other thing that is on my mind about that trip is that I haven't seen this friend of mine in well over 10 years. And you know I am...awkward, etc. But I've given myself a stern talking-to: no acting like a pussy. Just jump in and enjoy life with other people. Even if you have to fly to Ireland to do it.

I'm glad the weekend is here so I can sleep in on purpose. I have to take photos of Bailey and his awesome new haircut. When I left the house this morning at 9, the moon was still out. Soon it will be dark all the time. Anyway, I am planning on photos this weekend. I don't know of what, or who (other than Bailey) but there should be something interesting to look at the next time you come here to read. I still have to upload some photos from the time I spent in Igloolik last weekend.

It's just so painful to do. The internet is so slow and it takes forever to load up photos to Flickr. I'm starting to resize them smaller and smaller so it takes less time.

Speaking of time; it's going by so quickly. I will be heading homeward for the holidays, spending time at my mother's then later, heading to London to live up the city life (har, har). Really, I'm just going for the take-out food. Just kidding.

Oh, and by far the best news: my sister graced us with another little nephew. He was born on Wednesday around lunch time. I was happy to hear everything had gone so well. And a bit sad because I wasn't there to see him. He will be about a month old by the time I make it down that way. 8 pounds, 2 ounces.

God, I can ramble. In any event, I'm off to smoke outside.
G.

Insomnia, that bitch.

2008-11-10T04:48:00.000-05:00

fall asleep...next to me...
Well, it appears that my old friend Insomnia is back for a visit. I don't know how long she will be staying. I've always thought she was a bitch to begin with, but a very smart bitch. She always seems to know when I'm vulnerable, or when I'm too tired to think of what to do next. She springs up out of my body and my mind with party balloons and unmade plans on how to spend the next few hours in her presence.

I just hate her. I know she knows. But she keeps coming back to see how I am. Either she likes me or she's a sdist. Maybe she's lonely, too. I don't know. But it doesn't make me dislike her any less.

I'm still Igloolik. I couldn't sleep the first night I got here and I seemed to be ok the following day. But I'm tired right now. My body is tired. I had a hot shower, the usual meds and I'm still up at 4 a.m. contemplating anything interesting that comes to mind as I lie there, breathing deep and praying for sleep. I've got a few things on my mind, but nothing that is overly pressing or stressful. My mind is mostly on the future.

I can't really decide where to go next when I'm done with the Arctic. I know I talk about exotic places like Paris or New York. Maybe even Vancouver. But I can't decide where, I don't want to miss out on anything, so I skim different job postings in different areas. There are a lot out there, and so it would really just be a matter of picking a place, applying and hoping for the best. But that's the hard part: picking a place.

I know that I am not likely to put in the 2 years I had initially planned on in the Arctic. The main reason has to do with work, I guess I'm just not feeling as though this job is worth the hassle and expense I go through just to be here. So, the current plan is to stay as long as I can, save as much as I can and continue to debate the merits of one new place over another.

Sometimes I have dreams where I tell myself that they would make good stories. But upon waking, I run them through my head and usually decide against them. I had one such dream last night and had thought it might be worth a 2nd thought, but the details slipped out of the slippery slope of my mind and were gone. Shame.

But, I suppose I will see if I can kick Insomnia out and try for 2 hours of sleep before I have to go in for work. I hope I don't feel like the walking dead tomorrow. Black and Blue - The Counting Crows.

The Dark is coming...

2008-11-04T16:20:00.001-05:00

I think about my family every day. At some point during the day, one or a number of my family members will cross my mind. I might wonder how things are going for Em at school, or how one of my nephews are faring. Just little thoughts that plop in. I took that photo a few years ago, when the boys were willing to listen to what I was saying when I said "stand still!!".

Now, though. Photos aren't coming so easily. I couldn't figure out for the longest time what it was that was different. Then I figured it out. Turns out the Arctic isn't so inspiring most days. I mean, unless you're out at the floe (flow?) edge or gliding on a boat past huge glaciers....there isn't a whole lot to photograph. Especially in Hall Beach. I could point the camera in all directions, and it would look the same. Flat, white, blowing snow. I imagine it will be even more difficult once the dark descends on us full time.

Speaking of dark. Since we turned the clocks back, I am cranky that I am sitting in the office when the sun sets and I have to have a lamp on to see what I'm doing (I abhore flourescents). It's almost dark out there! It just feels weird. And of course, the village is alive with people and kids walking around and doing stuff.

Even though I'm not supposed to be eating this stuff, I made fried bread again last night. It didn't turn out as awesome as the first batch but it still tastes like home. In fact, all I want to do now is go back to the house and eat fried bread and watch a couple of episodes of CSI. Bailey is currently upset because I ran out of his favourite dog treats (but to be fair, so did the store) and so he has to settle for dog biscuits which I suspect is hard on his teeth (I think he has lost a few).

News on the CBC about work conditions right here in Nunavut:http://www.cbc.ca/canada/north/story/2008/11/04/nu-social.html

It will be pretty stressful for the time being. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to lower my blood sugar count so I don't go blind by the time I'm 40. I stopped drinking regular pop and switched to diet. I've also been trying to make better food choices (although I sometimes slip hence the fried bread). I don't know if it's doing any good since I don't have a blood sugar tester yet, but hopefully it is doing something. It's a day to day thing to deal with, and kind of tricky, from what I gather from other's blogs.

I guess we just have to wait and see.
Until then, I suppose I'll see you later,
G.

Come on Boy, don't be such a baby

2008-10-29T16:26:00.004-04:00

I've been listening to specific songs on repeat, again. Today, the flavour seems to be The Twilight Singers, and old favourite. The track is 'Number 9'. I can't get it out of my head. Although, to be fair, the best way I suppose would be to listen to something else. But I can't. Listening to what I actually want to listen to when I want to, is something akin to having a nice cool drink of water on a very hot day. It's just that good.

And even though I am supposed to be working (at my real job), I seem to find it necessary to update (twice in the same day). It just comes on whenever it wants to. If I were smart, I'd be updating regularly instead of so few and far in between. It comes from the feeling that I have nothing interesting to say (as opposed to right now, right??) and my laziness to pack up the modem every day after work and set it up at home.

I'm reading Joe Hill's Heart Shaped Box and loving it. Fantastic writer. It's a scary story and I'm giving myself the creeps by reading it when I live alone in the freaking Arctic. I should be smarter (but I'm not).

It's -26 today with the windchill. My truck is broken again and I don't want to eat the leftovers of the Hamburger Helper crap I made for dinner last night, tonight.

I also don't know if I'll be on a plane tomorrow morning, to go to a little town above Hall Beach (check your maps, people) for work-related junk, and probably won't know until tonight. I guess that means I ought to pack a bag. But don't they know that I need to bring my laptop, camera, books, dvds and various things ALONG with my clothing and work gear? Guess not. I kind of need more than a few hours notice for these things.

I'm also exhausted. I was fine this morning but since 11 or so, I feel like I've been run over by a truck and I just want to head straight for bed when I leave the office. No fooling around with food for dinner, no CSI reruns on dvd, no lazy hot bath...none of that. I just want the bliss of unconsciousness for at least 9 hours (yeah right). I'll be lucky if I get 5. Insomnia is still my closest friend.

Hrmm...see how much junk I can type out if given the right motivation at the right time?
Later, sweet beauties....
G.

Number 9 - The Twilight Singers

I love Hawksley Workman

2008-10-29T11:26:00.001-04:00

I keep getting hit in the head by lines from different songs I'm listening to. They stick in my head, I use them for titles of blog entries, or for memory joggers in my day planner. People are going to think I'm seriously demented. If my stuff were to be examined by CSI, they'd never figure out who offed me...too much cross contamination of evidence.

Work is gonzo. Interesting developments that keep me intrigued, listening at the door for more information. Suddenly, I'm more interested in what's going on than I am in what I'll be making for dinner. And we all know food consumes me. Most days. It looks like I could be bouncing between two communities for work related issues, which will a.) increase the amount of air miles I collect and b.) change up scenery for my brain. So it might not be such a bad thing.

My parka arrived the other day. It's called the Resolute parka. It's by Canada Goose and a maroon colour. It's actually quite nice. And warm. I never thought they made coats so warm. I can tell that I will be toasty all winter, even in the -50 weather that's expected in December/January.

an old photo from a couple of years ago.

I got a few things in the mail yesterday. Mail day for me is always fun. I like getting stuff, even if it's pretty useless. A Chapters card came in, the Hawksley Workman album I won on Facebook, and a book by an author I thought I would try out (so far, it's pretty darn good).

Hawksley's new album is called Los Manlicious. I'm only on the 5th song and it's awesome. Reminiscent of (last night) We Were the Delicious Wolves. So snarky, nutty, cabaret-ish. It's really great. I can tell this will be an album I will listen to a lot. Very loud. It sound kind of European, if that makes any sense. It's really great to get excited about music again.

I did take a couple of new pictures lately. The problem is getting them uploaded to Flickr since I don't have an internet connection at home (well, I do if I take the modem home with me) and most nights I just leave it at work since it's easier. But I'll probably start taking it home more often just to stay caught up on the photo front.

I'm looking forward to my Christmas vacation. I've bought the ticket, planned where I will be and I can't wait for a month and a half to go by so I can be in Ontario and near my nutty family. I also can't wait to see my new nephew who is currently being hot-housed in my sister's belly (at least for another month or so) until he's ready to join us.

Anyhow, time to get back to work. God knows I'll be kept busy over the next little while.

So what, no fuckin' ziti now?

2008-10-23T15:07:00.000-04:00

I've been surfing sites for easy dinner recipes and alternatively, Flickr for inspiration and other things. Then I stumbled over some sort of application site that generated all of the tags I've used for my photos at Flickr. It was interesting to see them. More interesting was the fact that several of the words were very large, and others very small to denote how often I use them.

As for the recipe action, I've decided that enough is enough and I can't go through the rest of my time in the Arctic by eating stuff like Instant Noodles. So I decided to look at what ingredients are available to me in this little town and see what I could possibly make out of them.

I found a few recipes for Ziti, which I totally have on the brain but no actual Ziti noodles so that will have to wait until I can order them. Last night's dinner consisted of chicken, cream of mushroom soup and sour cream over egg noodles. Sounds kinda gross all typed out like that, but it was really good. And even though I had to stand there at the stove, actually cooking (and kind of bored by staring at the cupboards), I was happy that I got to eat something I had actually made.

I also made some fried bread (called scone by us Indians...and remember, only other Indians are allowed to call themselves Indians) which I brought to work with me, this morning. I know the Inuit make their own form of Bannock (scone/fried bread) but I figured mine might be different.

My cooking fried bread is usually a 50-50 thing. It can go either way. I might add too much flour, or too much water, or forget the baking powder, who knows. But sometimes it works. Last night was one of those nights. Well, I thought it was pretty good.

No real cooking tonight. Just reheating leftovers, and making this mexican layer dip thing for the weekend (a non-cook dish that I used to make all the time). Also, my old roommate and I are going to mass produce perogies this weekend. She knows how to make them, I'm just along for the ride (for help and company). Seems like a good alternative to my usual laying around-doing nothing sort of Saturday afternoon.

My idea is to start cooking a bunch of stuff on the weekends that I can reheat during the week. Healthier stuff than the Instant Noodles, and real meals so my mom can stop worrying that I'm existing on rice, etc whilst living up here. Emboldened by my moderate success of dinner last night, I think I can actually make myself learn how to do things correctly and (hopefully patiently) in the kitchen.

As for Flickr, I'm trying to make my photography better and want to be inspired by *something*, anything, so I've been looking for assignment groups to join. The idea is that if I have an assignment or homework to complete, that I will be inspired to take more pictures. For instance, I haven't uploaded anything to Flickr in almost 3 weeks. I used to do it daily. I want to do it that way, again.

The weather is calling for a huge winter storm for Hall Beach starting tonight and lasting all through the day tomorrow. Apparently, 10 to 15 cm of snow and Winds gusting at times to 70 or 80 km/h which will create near-zero visibilities in blowing snow. I mostly copied that from the weather page *grin*. We already have snow on the ground here. We had a nasty winter storm last Sunday which made my entire house move with every wind gust. It doesn't really bother me. As long as I can stay inside.

Still with me?

by my side, it's heaven

2008-10-14T15:23:00.001-04:00

I have actually been working like the proverbial dog, so haven't had any chance at all to do my ordinary internet activities. That is not to say there haven't been journal entries floating around in my head like little story fruits. Fruits, not fishes. Fruit I can eat right away. Fish, I actually need to prepare and dig in.

Work, of course has been crazy. Today it's still busy, but not so bad I can't sit here and quickly type out an entry for your feasting eyes and brain.

Home life, not so awesome. I'm starting to miss things more intensely. Like sushi. The Vietnam Restaurant (really, the guy should be paying me, the amount of times I mention this place). I miss my nephews. I miss my mom, and even my cranky stepdad.

I've been waffling on whether or not to go home for Christmas, not because I don't want to see anyone, but because of the cost it involves. I've been lucky the past few times to catch a ride on a south bound plane, but this time, I'll actually have to pay. To the tune of over $2500.00. Depressingly, I noticed I can fly to Hawaii for that amount. And I've pretty much decided to do it, because really...I can easily get my savings back up again (the trip home plus an arctic winter parka that I have to buy for the coming winter, wipes out pretty much my entire nest egg) and the trip will be worth it, really. I just looked at the dates and it looks like I can get in almost 4 weeks of family and 'being in the South' goodness before coming back here and waiting out the dark winter months.

The parka. Ok. I bought one down south before coming up here, knowing full well I would be needing a more 'bells and whistles' type of jacket for the -60 temps that are the norm around here in January and February. So I've been shopping around. Two problems, the parkas I've been looking at aren't what are necessary up here, and I need a larger size (which I rarely see). So, not only do I never see Arctic-hardy parkas but I also need them in size gigantic.

But then I find one. Even one in my size. But it's over $700.00 and I just cringe at spending that amount of money on a jacket that doesn't say Prada on it somewhere. They have it in size Fat, but it's a purple colour, and it's pretty darn big (I just know it will weigh a ton, goosedown and all that). Which all just reaffirms my theory that the clothing industry is trying to shame/embarrass fat people into losing weight by making them wear hideous clothes. I did eventually find a place that sells them for 400 dollars instead of the full price, and after mulling it over for a few days, I placed the order today. It's a good brand, and I've heard nothing but good reviews about it, so I know at least I won't be cold when I'm out and about enjoying the -60 wind chill action come January. I guess I'm just cheap.

A self portrait I took a couple of weeks ago.

Had a good Thanksgiving. I went to eat dinner with a couple of the teachers but I ended up drinking way too much wine and barfing. I would expand on that, but something tells me you don't really want to hear that part. At the end of the night, I tucked up my leftovers on a tinfoil covered plate and listened to Matt Good on my walk home. I remember really hoping I wasn't being stupid, carrying food around with me when there are apparently polar bears all over the place. One bad dream, and suddenly the white furry bears scare the crap out of me.

Last night, the chronic insomnia returned with a very mean vengeance. I fell asleep at a reasonable 8-ish (long day when you're kind of hung over) and awoke at 10:30, not falling asleep until about 6 this morning. I got 2 more hours in before having to get up and get ready for work. For some reason this time around, I don't feel like death warmed over today. Maybe it will hit me at quitting time. I'm tired, just not so much so that I want to quit my job and go hide under the covers until the spring thaw.

So, that's it. On my menu this week, it appears to be shrimp. I just need decent seafood sauce and then I'm 'cooking with gas'. I bought another bag of shrimp at lunch time today, it's in a grocery bag hanging off the doorknob to the back door, so it stays frozen for when I go home. I can be smart like that sometimes.
Later,G
.p.s almost forgot. midnight or early morning phone calls to people you'd never normally talk to...are usually a bad idea. Food for thought.

story fish

2008-09-29T16:00:00.000-04:00

I have this urge to write. But my story pool is dry. Rather, it's not dry but there aren't any story-fishes swimming around in it. None I want to catch, anyway.

I go outside and smoke furious cigarettes, kicking at the crusted snow gathered at the bottom of my office building's stairs. I've watched so many episodes of The Office that I think I've now forced myself to like it. Or appreciate it, in any case.

I'm eating my way through all of the new books that I've ordered and I can never seem to remember if I had salted my plate when I'm eating lunch or dinner. I have to claw my way out of bed these days, the bed itself feeling like it's some sort of black hole that I fall into every night. The dreams are the shroudy-things that I try to avoid like jelly fish, but they get me anyway. Stinging, wrapped around my neck...and no vinegar in sight. Ah, well.

At work right now, I'm absolutely furious with myself for not having caught a story-fish. A good one. Because I'm getting up there, and before I know it, I'll be an octogenarian who claims she's a writer when really she hasn't written anything more than a grocery list or this online journal in her entire life.

Nutty, man. Just plain nutty.

2008-09-27T19:03:00.001-04:00

all the words that I've been reading...
The past few days have been...interesting. I've been snuggled away in my bed for the majority of it, reading books that have arrived in the mail like little sweet presents from an unknown realm. The weather here has been far from ambient, with winds that were super crazy for about 2 days. On Thursday night, one of the towns power lines finally gave in and split from another, causing half of the town to lose it's electricity.

I could feel it giving. The lights shuddered and blinked in small brown outs for about a half hour before a quiet and velvety blanket of dark was thrown over most of the village. I groaned and placed the book I was reading over my face, asking "Why NOW?" in a pissy voice. give me that, it's my dust catcher. Then I just lit several of the hundred or so (ok, I'm exaggerating) candles that I had sent up in my move, and continued to read as if nothing had happened.

I grew up in the North, after all. Maybe not this North (Arctic, Canada) but 'North' enough to know to have candles on hand at ALL times and that the power usually goes out whenever it wants to. What I wasn't expecting, was for the power to remain out for approximately 36 hours. Even in Arctic Canada, that length of time is stretching beyond the borders of normality. They had to fly linesmen in to fix the broken line, and the weather being what it was, the guys didn't actually arrive until early this morning.

But by then, I had dug in. I had sandwich making materials, cold pop (courtesy of the windowsill) and enough blankets to cover ten people (no, not bluffing that time). I was fine. Even when the temperature dipped alarmingly below zero, I was toasty under the covers, reading a book and enjoying myself thoroughly. It was the amount of books that made it bearable. I am really patting myself on the back for ordering in so many. The hard part was choosing which one to read, ha.

If I were 'down south', you can bet I'd be pitching a fit. But here, it's just one more thing to survive to make it to the next day. Not wanting to worry the family, I tried to call a couple of people last night but gave up after the 2nd person I called didn't pick up the phone. I figured the power would be on before too long and I'd email everyone with my aliveness at that point. What I hadn't counted on was my mother freaking out and calling every RCMP station she could find in all of Nunavut. I just know they are snickering about the 32 year old social worker whose mother kicked up a storm until locating her daughter (safe in her bed after a hot lunch at the DEW line). Too funny.

But some not funny things happened, as well. I didn't want to write about it, because I figured I'd dwell on the subject and become upset before too long. I saw the by-law officer drive by me as I parked alongside my office building (had to grab the modem), towing behind him a very puffy and fluffy dog that could have passed for a husky if his colours were different. He was tethered to the back of the truck by a long piece of yellow rope, and he jogged happily (I think) enough behind the slow moving vehicle. At first, I thought maybe the guy had found the dog wandering and was returning him to his home. But when I drove to my house afterwards, I saw the truck far ahead of me on the only road that leads to the town dump, and I knew what was in for the dog. I sat in my truck for a long time after turning it off, watching the dog get smaller and smaller as they got further and further away.

I thought about whether or not I could fit another dog into my life, and what that would look like. Or a million other things that I, as a 'southerner' could complain about regarding this poor dog, but in the end, I got out of my truck and grabbed my backpack and walked into my house.

The World I know - Collective Soul
Bag of Bones - Stephen King

what washes up.

2008-09-22T16:23:00.000-04:00

I use up all your forgiveness. Only Bailey continually forgives me for calling him the wrong name (usually Buckley). He doesn't seem to mind. He doesn't even mind when I change the furniture around and he stumbles from one road block to the next (he is blind, remember).

My desk is overflowing with paper. It's coming in from all sides. A form for everything. But there doesn't seem to be one to tell me when it's time to go home. Work is actually interesting today. But I'm not sure when I'll be finished for....the day, anyway.

I broke one of my only rules in the Gish Likes A Guy book. I actually waited for some guy to give me a call, after I had called and left a message. I don't really know what I was thinking, other than the fact that I have precious little else to do, and that I kinda thought I could really dig him. All this, even though I kept insisting to everyone (including myself) that he was SO not my type (he really isn't). Nuts to that, though.

I shouldn't be down about it (and I guess I'm not really) because men wash up on the beach with startling regularity. Pilots, lawyers, scientists of all sorts. But they don't really hold my interest. I'm the one that likes to be caught off guard. Not the kind to watch someone come out of the water, with a resume in their hands, and all their good attributes that steam from my stereotypical mind of what pilots, lawyers and scientists should bear. yeah, something like that.

I'm really looking forward to quitting time today. I'm hoping a bunch of books I ordered are at the post office, and I am really looking forward to buying a new pack of socks. Cold feet and literature.

What more could a girl want?

remind me of where this is going...

2008-09-18T17:09:00.000-04:00

never turn your back on it...
It's been awhile since I've cranked the stereo as loud as I can take it, and listen to my favourite songs. If I even knew what my favourite songs were, but that's beside the point. It's nice to hear what I love, while I'm puttering around the house.

Semi-productive day at work today. I came home awhile ago, turned on the music and have been debating on what to have for dinner since then. In a way, updating my journal is my way of avoiding the food issue until I can sit there and fully debate the facts of what will taste better and actually satisfy my hunger monster. I'm on the fence about pork chops and salad, when I can just eat the salad and still feel full. Plus, I wouldn't have to actually cook anything. Yeah...I'm still a non-cooking person. If I were really lazy, I would just make those potato wedge things that I've been eating for the past few days.

Now, My Morning Jacket is playing and it's so nice. I really dig the guy's voice. Once dinner prep is finished, Dexter will be put on again, which I will watch until 7:30 or so. Then it's bed time, where I make a pot of tea and read until 9:30 or so. Then I try to sleep. I'm really digging the pot of tea before bed, though. Makes me feel so civilized.

I ordered this jacket from Sears last week, thinking I would need something heavier than my standard zipped up sweaters over tshirts. It got here yesterday, I was thinking cool...fast mail service for a change. But when I tried it on (and I totally got my size right), I found the sleeves rode up a good 3 inches past my wrists. Ridiculous. I mean, I know I have long arms, but shizo, man. So, I am debating on sending it back or just wearing it anyway. Decisions, decisions.

I've been going through books like crazy. Mostly due to my extended reading time before bed, and it's nice. to catch up with myself in my head, while I'm reading something I haven't read 15 times already. More books are set to arrive soon from Chapters.

I had all these little tidbits I was going to write about, but I kind of...forgot what they were. Little things I was annoyed with probably. I've been trying to think of what they were, running the days activities through my head but I'm coming up blank. I may have to resort to writing them down as they happen. Ha. Fat chance.

Oh, I was annoyed when I tried to find Tea Party songs on iTunes (which I think sucks now) and only one album was available in the US store, which I couldn't access with my 'Canadian' credit card. I was all set to listen to old songs I used to love (and own at one point) but no deal. That made me cranky. Now, I'm going to have to order all the cds...:) see how this love stays divine

Things I want. Things I think of, when the lights are out. So sweetly painful.

Weapon - Matthew Good
Fire in the Head - The Tea Party

today, today

2008-09-15T16:28:00.001-04:00

soldiers fill the hotels on the weekend...
It's snowing here again, today. It's the wispy, unsure kind of snow. It doesn't know whether it's coming or going. It falls in small waves, the wind buffetting the fragile flakes around like New Years confetti. I've been watching it through one of my office windows, while I attend to things at work. The appearance of snow tells my brain that I ought to be putting up christmas lights, and shopping for and wrapping presents. But my logical sense (which has been known to be faulty) kicks in and reminds me that it's only the middle of September.

Still, though. I've been thinking about starting to plan for the holidays. Not the buying and wrapping of presents, but booking airfare and the time off to go home. When I first got here, I said I wouldn't go home for Christmas. But now that I'm here, I think; why the fuck not? So, seat sales, and credit limits have been floating around in my head for the past week or so.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had driven out past the village limits to take a look at the whale that had been caught in early August (while I was away on vacation). There wasn't much left to see, except for a few rib bones and the jaw bone. The jaw was angled on the ground so that it pointed towards the sky, the knuckle bigger than a basketball, completely picked clean of any flesh.

What was left of the whale, looked like industrial waste. What had once been shiny black skin stretched over a 44 foot Bowhead whale was now in tatters. It shrunk back over the blubber that was a surprising shade of orange, reminding me of insulation one puts in their attics. the bones that were left behind were scattered around, some parts of the vertebrae and others appearing to be rib bones which looked smaller than one would imagine.

I took some photos and noticed several hills of gravel marked with posts, all lined up in a row that went down the beach. I was told that is where the majority of the whale meat has been buried in order to ferment. The locals will dig it up at Christmas time. Fermented meat is apparently a delicacy in these parts.

When someone mentioned the annual whale hunt to me, pictures of the shiny black tail fin flipped up out of the water came to mind. Along with images of the body, beached on it's side. Complete. Whole. I was disappointed that I had missed this annual event, but am confident that I will be here next year for the hunt.

I just can't get the idea of the black tail fin, wet and shiny from the water, out of my mind. Like a hand, waving good bye.

Jacksonville Skyline - Whiskeytown

Limit salt, alcohol and caffeine

2008-09-05T16:39:00.001-04:00

ugh. I knew the health news wasn't going to be great, I didn't think it would nearly cripple me with it's weight of bad possibilities. Not only am I too young to be worrying this much about my health, but sheez...always with the hassles. I know I should stop bitching, but I'll do that later.

In other news, my old roommate and I met up with a couple of pilots at the DEW line site and ended up chatting with them for a few hours over drinks at the beach, next to the rotting carcass of the Bowhead Whale the villagers caught while I was on vacation. I had wanted to see it and took a few photos, which I will post another time. It reminded me of industrial waste. And I really couldn't fathom the size of the jaw bones. Just think, people used to use those for rafters in their sod houses a million years ago.

So, we made plans to get together again tomorrow night. But it promises to be a fun night of laughing and music playing like last week. And god knows, I'm prepared now. We had shared a sealift order of wine, ordering for the whole year. I thought I was ordering an 'ok' amount which turned out to be 5 cases of wine. I doubt I will get through it all (but then you never know, winters are long and hard up here) but it was definitely interesting. We took photos of that as well, stay tuned for the next entry.

oooh, almost home time.

The bipolar is out of the bag.

2008-09-02T13:10:00.002-04:00

A nice little photo to calm things down around in my head. I took that while passing through Sudbury a couple of weeks ago. I like taking photos while driving, you never know how things will turn out.

Ok, so back to the firestorm in my head. I'm Bipolar (type 2, if that matters). We all know it, it's just a fact about me. I'm nuts but in a totally Gish kind of way. And it took me a long time to accept it, and to just move on with things. Like a long time. Like, there are still little things in my head that say that maybe I'm not and the diagnosis is wrong. That's how close I am to flipping over to the other side.

And I don't really care what people are going to say about me. Fine, just say it or whatever but leave me alone. I can hack it. But when it comes to my professional ability, and reputation, I'm fierce. Like a bear protecting her family, that's how I am with my professional reputation. And I don't really know why, because in the end people are going to say what they want and really, what's the importance of a good professional reputation in the grand scheme of things (to me, it's still a lot, like the last thing I have to fall back on, no matter what) but anyway...

Ugh, I hate this. I really wanted to write about how the sealift boat is anchored off the shore now, and the whole town is abuzz with excitement of it. And how the kids are running around with these huge smiles on their faces because something is actually happening in their little town. It's really something to see. I'll post a photo of the boat later, it's really just a boat. Heh.

Anyway, One of my work colleagues has taken it upon herself to comment on the state of my personal medical information as well as my mental illness (fuck, I hate writing those words). And it pisses me off. But I don't see how I can do anything about it until something actually happens (like, I get fired or something) to complain about it. I'm trying to be proactive here. But my negative brain keeps egging me to stay quiet until the storm hits. I really don't know what, if anything there is I can do.

In other news, I had a great time on vacation and am glad to be back in Hall Beach. I picked up Bailey from his sitters and am now (im)patiently waiting for my personal belongings to arrive. They are apparently now in Iqaluit. God knows how long till they get here. But when they do, I'll have a microwave and a television again. And more than two forks. *grin*

2008-08-20T23:00:00.001-04:00

just enough to ripple my waters

2008-08-19T21:43:00.001-04:00

The backroads around here, the small highways are haunted with thoughts of you, your face but mostly the abstract idea of you. The Apostle. I used to drive those highways and the thoughts would come to mind as easily as the wind slipped through the open windows, rustling through my hair.

And you were too good, better than me. Your morals, your good sense or maybe your plain scared-ness were higher than me, I was grovelling at the gates of infidelity, practically begging to be let in. But over the years, yes years, the feelings came and went and I gradually grew into another sort of Gish.

A friend and I were seated at a table in the window of my favourite restuarant when she spotted you driving by. I only come into southern ontario for short visits and the sight of you in that orange truck wasn't something I was prepared for or even expected.

I guess even cities are too small, sometimes.

this might not make sense, cowboys

2008-08-18T14:24:00.002-04:00

Sitting here, pretending to decompress but I have nothing to decompress from. Sweet music the past couple of days, things I haven't heard before. I'm really relaxed now, now that I'm back at Rose's, my laptop set up like a beacon in the night and pepsi melting ice in a glass at my wrist. The cigarettes are burning in the ashtray and I keep thinking about men that read books and silly conversations in the middle of small forests.

It's amazing what sticks in my brain, sometimes.

I just got back from a weekend of camping (sort of). In my apparent brainlessness, I didn't check with my friend Cris as to which campsite she'd be at before leaving London on Friday. So I ended up driving around the whole camping place, smoking furious cigarettes and listening to The Twilight Singers on a loop, looking for a familiar tent. After an hour and a half, I gave up and went to a shitty motel for 50 bucks a night, sleeping on a dubious bed and reading The World According to Garp.

but lights out feels so good don't spare my fate...I finally connected with friends on Saturday and set up my sleeping bag next to my ipod (har, har). I spent the day reading in a camp chair and enjoying the sound of leaves in the warm air, festival music filtering up towards me like a little wave.

Later on that night, Cris and I went looking for her musician friends, we found a hot campfire and settled down to late night jamming. I sat next to a stand-up bass player who looked like a long drink of cool water. Alcohol smoothed over my rough edges and I blended in better than I thought I might.

Then I met this guy who had the sweetest voice and was shyer than I am. Thank god for beer.
Cristine made fun of the fact that I bought this enormous jar of pickles, but I'm too inexperienced to plan for camping. I, of the view that food should come in the form of takeout at 3 in the morning. So...I gave them away to the guy who had a tent full of cucumbers and pepperoni.

that would be Jesse Reid. Although I may be spelling his name wrong. And to his credit, he didn't fall down once carrying that jar of pickles. No matter how much I teased him.

soldiers filled the hotels on the weekends...
Then Sunday, I couldn't sleep in because the tent was in the sun and I was roasting, so I got up semi-early, scratched all the mosquito bites I acquired the night before and had a fried breakfast down by the stage. Then I parked my ass in a camp chair and listened to music all day. I made my escape at 5 and checked into that same shitty motel for 12 hours of sleep on a mattress with A & E on in the background. Dr. Pepper on my bedside table and the crumpled cigarette pack sitting in the ashtray.

Here's Cris, laughing at me, probably.

So, camping was fun, meeting new people was ok, but I totally do not dig sleeping on the ground. No matter how comfy my sleeping bag was. Cris tells me to stop pining for John Malkovich so I guess I should concentrate on something else. Maybe next time I'll sneak around and leave notes on tents and take part in the scavenger hunt.

Stay tuned for more vacation adventures like notes on sleeping in and staying up too late. Love,G.

Jacksonville Skyline - Whiskeytown
Pussywillow - The Twilight Singers

Rescue Me

2008-08-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

I have this little disturbing headache that has been rumbling around in my head for the past couple of days.

We have been fogged in for 4 days. FOUR. At first, I thought the fog was nice and insulating and pretty to look at when I went into the kitchen to grab a drink. Now, I just think it's creepy and stifling and for some reason I just wish it would go away. I don't know why, it's not as though fog has a whammy of some kind that can come and GET me. But bugging me, it is.

Thank God I have all 4 seasons of Rescue Me to comfort my poor little starved for 'something' brain. I think the brain is starved for take-out food. Anyway, I am totally hooked on Rescue Me. I have all of the seasons of The Office and I am just not digging it. For whatever reason. But Denis Leary and his long bandy arms and legs, and foul mouth...I grab my cigarette pack and Lite beer and I'm there. It's just good. In a bad kind of way.

Jack drove me around the other day, I grabbed some pictures of the huge communication satellites they have here. There are 6 of them, altogether. One set is so huge it's impressive how much steel it took to build it. And now they are just sitting there, blots on the landscape. It's said the locals are so used to having them there, they now use them as landmarks.
But here's a shot of one of them up close...

So, as you might have guessed I haven't been doing very much with my time other than the now standard dvd watching. I'm planning on a 2 week trip home next week but the logistics of getting from one place to another (without a car) is wearing on my head, so hopefully I get that straightened out. All of this could have been avoided if I just had an ordinary credit card like everyone else. Which I will likely never have because I am bad with money.

If you want to see more of my photos, there are tons at http://www.flickr.com/photos/i_am_gish/

The battery on my ancient 1983 Suburban burnt out so it's being recharged right now at the town garage (which is saying a lot, heh...town garage). So, truck being broken, I had to walk to work. Walking here is ok, it's about 10 minutes. I can handle that. But because of the fog, everything is wet, which means what was once dust is now muck. And I don't have any rubber boots. But who cares, thank goodness I have a washer and dryer in the house.

I also tried fishing the other day, from the ocean's edge. I didn't catch anything (thank god, because then I would have had to kill it) but I found it was very relaxing just casting the line out and reeling it back in.

After all the bitching about the fog, the thought of walking along the edge of the ocean in a heavy sweater and condensation dripping from my hair sounds so....nice.

Gotta run.

home sick for my mommy

2008-07-25T19:27:00.000-04:00

So I've been in a funk lately. Not news by any means if you've been reading long enough, but I am attributing this recent bout of lacklusterness to homesickness. I got soome shitty news about my health the other day and any time I am sick, I immediately want to be in the confines of my childhood home, or wherever my mom is, since I don't really have a childhood home. Homes, maybe, but not just one.

In any event, I haven't felt like updating or taking pictures or anything really other than going straight to bed after dinner and then waking up every two hours to have a smoke and paint a little bit on the wall with ink-black paint in swirls and branches. It's crazy, I know. Everything about me is. Feels like.

You want to talk crazy...lets go over a couple of other things that I've done the past couple of days.

During a work assignment, I was at someone's house. When I left, I knew I was taking a little dog with me. His name is Bailey, he's been abandoned by his owners and he needs a place to chill until he breathes his last. He's 12, that's why I wrote that last little bit. The funky thing about this little guy is that he is going blind...leave it to me to do something like this, but I gotta tell you...having a little warm body in bed with me at night makes it that much easier. He's a god send, at this point.

Then today, in the mail this arrives...

The last few seasons of Oz and a few other things...woo!

Then I remembered that I had ordered a couple of movies gift wrapped. Nuts, I know. But I like opening presents...even if it means I sent them to myself.

complete with a note...

Ah....a Cusack movie I haven't seen and you should see my face now, all aglitter.

I'm listening to sad Counting Crows music and looking over the table at the box of dvds and the juice glass full of Arctic Cotton blossoms and I realise this is my home, so I should stop being sick over it.

My fingers type words that aren't even in my mind and I find I'm hitting the Delete key more often than not. I know what you've been reading here the past few months has been clumsy and not by any means slick and easy the way it used to be. But clumsy is what's on the menu for awhile.

Bon apetit.G.

2008-07-16T17:50:00.000-04:00

I woke up scared, in my bed last night. A bad dream that made me sleep the remaining hour with the lights on, and missing another body in the house so bad.

Helicopters are constantly thundering above my head, lately. I feel as though I'm in some sort of military state where flights are the norm and that I ought to be expecting soldiers to slowly re-enter the community like lost brothers. But the town has been quiet lately, a lot of people have left to inhabit their summer camps and enjoy being 'out on the land'.

It's just me and helicopters, I suppose. It's such an odd sound to hear...one would expect it to be very quiet.

I've been rather ambitious the past few days. Yesterday I decided to venture out on the land and get some photos of flowers and things that are growing. I was eagerly anticipating the growth of a common flower in the arctic called Arctic Cotton.

They resemble cotton balls on sticks, the flower itself feels and also looks like white rabbit fur blowing in the wind.

Then today, I decide I am going to find someone to give or sell me an Arctic Char which is a common fish and also considered a delicacy around the world. I'm not normally a fish person, the best I can usually do is tuna from a can, or maybe perch or halibut. Something that doesn't taste fishy, which sort of defeats the purpose, right? So, I was driving all over trying to figure out who were regularly fished, and who might want to part with a fresh one that I can cook for dinner tonight. A friend gave me two idiot-proof recipes, and I was anxious to try it.

The thing about the north is that nothing comes in a tidy little package. I ended up coming home with this gigantic fish in a grocery bag, with his head still attached. At least his innards had been cleaned. At least, I think I was supposed to leave the main blood line in there...eep.

So, I chopped off the head, it's sitting in the sink right now. I was planning on taking it over to one of the sled dog teams that are posted on the outskirts of the village, but one head for 7 dogs doesn't really make any sense. So it will likely end up in the trash. I can't stop looking at it's eye balls. I feel as though I want to keep it around for awhile, like a little friend.

I made some steaks, I guess you could call them and saved those for tomorrow (in the event this evening's dish turns to disaster) and the other half of the fish is currently wrapped in tinfoil and being baked in the oven. I seasoned it with salt and pepper, some garlic (because I like garlic), a tad bit of olive oil and wrapped it up and tossed it in there. The only thing is...umm, well, I couldn't get the tail fin off because my knives are crappy, and the tinfoil wasn't long enough, so it's sticking out of the pan. Clearly, and this should be no surprise to you, this is an amateur job.

Hopefully, that won't hurt the cooking of the rest of the fish.

And for the first time, I touched the water that was the ocean. Salty water on my tongue.

And it just amazes me, the view from the shore of my melting ocean...

2008-07-15T16:00:00.002-04:00

...and your love was like a broken bottle.
yep, been slacking on the updating action. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I've become enamored with instant potatoes and fat Bing cherries. Not together, of course...but those are the two things that I've been subsisting on lately. It's just the way I eat, if left to my own devices. I would have had it for lunch today if I hadn't been invited to the DEW line, which is cool because they have an indoor smoking room. And tons of new guys that I haven't met before. Nice on the eyes, and it's not like I'm expected to make conversation. Or rather, I am...I just don't. I use the shield of shyness nearly everywhere I go.

I promised photos of the new bedroom. I didn't want to post any after awhile because it seemed like a trite thing to take pictures of, but here's one of the closet and window area.
I just love the angles of this place.

drawing circles in your concret, I will know your every move...
Sometimes, I crank the music up in my office while I'm typing away at whatever I'm working on. In the blandness of the afternoon light, my fingers are a stark colour against the black of the keyboard. It keeps my eyes moving. Makes me miss typewriters. Where your eyes had something to follow, back and forth. I wish I had a typewriter.

I will love you....I won't let go...
Anyway, I'd better get going. I'm planning a walk tonight, did I say that? I will post pictures when....I feel like it. heh.
G.

Broken Bottle - Pete YornUndercover - Pete Yorn

2008-07-08T16:25:00.001-04:00

give me streets to burn
Truth be told, I haven't thought much about updating lately. I've been just going to work, coming home and going to bed. Rinse, reuse.

I always go home for lunch and watch episodes of Oz. I grabbed the first three seasons while on vacation and have been working my way through them ever since I got back. Trouble is, that show is freaking depressing. After a week of lunchtime drama, I'm sure I've been reprogrammed to think that I'm in an Arctic prison of sorts. So I've been walking around in a fug since Saturday. It's all in your own perception of things. Freaking t.v shows...

Yesterday, I tried to bake a cake. Yeah. Me, baking. Pretty simple, I figured. Instructions were on the box, you just added eggs and water, wisk and into the oven. Tell that to my cake that came out. It was lopsided and an ugly yellow colour. It's still sitting on top of the stove as I type this. I don't know whether I should eat it anyway or throw it out. *sigh*

I also procured a credit card, with which I immediately started perusing the internet with. I ordered some Kids in the Hall dvds (actually, all of them), and the last 3 seasons of 3rd Rock from the Sun. Then I remembered that I wanted Claire Fontaine paper, so I ordered that, too. It turns out that Flickr, my main photo dumping ground has all sorts of neato affiliates where you can order post cards, posters, calendars, etc all using your photos as the backgrounds. So I ordered a shitload of post cards. I finally stopped ordering today, when I tried to send flowers to Rose as a joke. You know you're nuts when you try to send your favourite flowers to everyone else except yourself.

I've also been paying close attention to the character of Tim McManus. I used to think this guy must be some sort of layabout actor, until I learned Terry Kinney is one of the three founding members of the Steppenwolf Theatre along with Gary Sinise in Chicago. I was like....damn.

There. I just did it again. That's it. I'm staying away from Amazon.com...they just have everything I've ever wanted in the way of dvds, so it's just best to cease and desist. But I couldn't resist those John Cusack movies, and how am I supposed to know what happens in Oz if I only have the first 3 seasons??

I know, I know....I'm sick. Gotta go. T.v is waiting, don't you know.

Simple Man - Graham Nash (this is what is stuck in my head)

2008-07-04T14:12:00.000-04:00

My plan for going to bed early and early to rise has thwarted me. I snapped wide awake at around midnight. I lay there in my dark bed, looking around at the semi-darkness of the bedroom. Also the cracks of light coming through the tinfoil on my windows, and the light that was sneaking up the stairs from the first floor.

It's all just trying to get in. To get to the thin skin that covers my eyes.

So I wandered downstairs to get a drink and shot this from my kitchen window.

Admittedly, not a great photo but I just wanted to get across that the sun really doesn't set around here, this time of year. I mean, I tell people that but they just can't comprehend it. I swear the sun just goes around the sky in a big circle, finally looking a little like dawn at around midnight.

Otherwise, you can catch me on my couch watching CSI reruns and smoking cigarettes. The weather has been too chilly for any outdoor activities, and honestly...I am a little afraid of going too far from the house because of the polar bear action outside of the village. I'm not ready to be anyone's dinner just yet.

In other news, I ran out of laundry soap the other day and had to buy a little box of it at the cost of $25.00. I bought about 5 big bottles of the stuff and it's waiting to be moved up here, but the laundry couldn't wait. Especially since I always want to wear one of two pairs of jeans. No fancy office suits for me, up here.

Maybe there will be some photos to be had this weekend. I was planning on rearranging the living room just because....

I can.

the evils of pop and money

2008-07-02T15:12:00.000-04:00

I sorta lied when I said I was giving up pop. I meant I was giving it up until it became more reasonable for me to buy it. Or procur it.

So a case of 24 pretty, shiny cans came my way last week. At the bargain price of 30 dollars. I was so happy to have it. When I was putting it in the fridge, can by can, the whole case fell face down onto the floor. Pop was fizzing and spraying everywhere. I wasn't sad about the pop, I was more like: fuuuckkk...I just pissed away 30 bucks. Money. It always comes back to the money for me.

Anyway, it was only one can that was opened. The rest of them are deformed but totally still....good.

I've become one of the responsible. One of the ones that save their money rather than spend it. And I could spend. I used to be able to spend whatever I had, on whatever I wanted. But the past couple of years, I've been bitten by some other sort of bug and now have no interest in buying things. Not really. So, I opened an account while I was in London and made the first deposit when I got my last paycheque.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know. But I've been doing calculations in my head..ok, not really in my head, but I've been adding up what I could save during the time I am here. And if it all is as the calculator says, then I will come away from this experience with everything I need in order to live a full and happy life in Southern Wherever.

Southern Wherever. That's the other problem, but I'll deal with it when it comes time to move again (hopefully not for a couple of years).

In the quiet sanctuary in the back of my mind, I still wonder if a certain anyone will log on and read what I've been writing. I half-heartedly look for user names or comments but it never reveals itself. I think about that user name while helicopters thud in the sky over my head. Or he comes to mind when I hear planes taking off. Then I think of things like there are only shadows in my blue skies. Or dust that covers my windshield like a blanket.

Then I just push it away, and it's daylight again.

I want to be the boss of everything

2008-06-30T15:35:00.000-04:00

I hate when I have food in the house and am hungry, but no appetite for whatever I've previously bought. I look in the cupboards and survey the canned goods (why do they call them 'goods'?) and dry pasta, along with the various spices and oils that I've gotten from family members.

Recently, I got a package sent from my dad which includes every spice I can think of (that I know). After the box was open and sitting in my office for awhile...I was hungry for roast chicken. My stomach really has a mind of it's own. I hate that. I want to be the boss of everything.

Here's a photo of a yellow iris that grows in a patch on my mother's property.

I haven't felt like updating lately. Not for lack of time, or want even...just no real drive. I was sad when I got out of bed this morning for no discernable reason. I brushed my teeth, staring at my reflection, running today's duties over in my mind. Even though I've come this far, it is always in the back of my mind that I'm still running. I just haven't ever really figured out what it is.
I've loaded a bunch of photos onto facebook and scoured my old photo-dumping page for ones that I might have missed when I switched over to Flickr.

I still sit here like a sullen child. The notes I write to myself are warnings that I should heed once I've read them, like this message will self-destruct...but I never really do. I just go along with what is happening.

I'm waiting for the movers to get a shake on so that my stuff gets moved here faster. I bought all manner of things, but I am mostly looking forward to the gigantic tv and surround sound so that when I watch documentaries on the History channel...my ears will really feel as though they are in the Rennasaince. I spell checked that word, and it still looks mispelled...Rennasaince.

In any event. I switched bedrooms the other day. I took photos of before and after, trying to maximise the space but I don't know if I got it quite right. When all was said and done, it looked like any other bedroom. Nothing special.

I guess it looked better in my head.

Forty dollars

2008-06-27T14:22:00.000-04:00

I've been listening to The Ocean by Matthew Good at work, for the past two days. It's by turns made me meloncholy for I don't know what, and also made me feel at home in this place.
The village I live in has changed from a winter wonderland without trees to a place that is carpeted with gravel and dust gets into everything. I'm constantly washing my hands because they feel coated in dust, and the windshield of my truck is always filmed in dust when I get in every morning. Atv's, trucks and other things whiz by making the dust rise up even more. A fine, fine grey dust that makes me leave ghostly footprints on the stairs when I go up to bed.

Tomorrow the weekend starts and I have all sorts of half-formed plans in mind of how to spend the time, that don't involve sleeping. My room mate has left for the summer and plans on moving in with another teacher at the beginning of the year, so I have to house to myself...to leave my dvds or books on the coffee table as I see fit.

So, I have a plan to paint a small mural in the corner of my new bedroom. I bought a set of black sheets (which seems like folly now that I know how much dust is up around here) and I thought the black tribal art and sheets would look kind of neat together.

Mind you, I have also discovered that my bed could fit in this open cubby hole. So, whether or not I will be sleeping in a cubby hole depends on how much I feel like isolating myself when the time comes for actually moving the bed. Crazy, I know.

I've been sleeping in a lot lately. I'm up at 3 a.m. and when I finally fall back to sleep, I'm almost literally unable to get out of bed when the alarm goes off at 7. I'm thinking it's a mind over matter thing, and eventually I'll trick my mind into telling my body what I freaking want it to do.
I've also given up pop. I still love it, and covet it but at the price of $37.95 for a 12 pack...I just can't in good conscience, buy it. I am chagrined.

But I guess forty dollars saved is forty dollars earned.

2008-06-25T20:42:00.000-04:00

I live in the Arctic, and I'm still freaking hot.

Classic Gish

2008-06-23T23:06:00.000-04:00

You say you wanna play Country but you're in a Punk Rock band...
Did I tell anyone that's my new favourite song? Have I sung along to it enough in the car, as I'm gliding along those endless ribbons of black highway?

I'm a hotel room in Timmins. Back here, getting ready for bed so I can get up early and catch a plane back to the nowhere world I live and work in. Looking forward to going back. Not looking forward to going back.

I already miss my family, despite all of the crisis' that have risen up over the past three weeks, I was still glad to be among blood.

Rose just posted a photo she took of me in the old days.

Sometimes, it's really nice to see the old me. Suddenly, I feel better.

2008-06-21T19:25:00.000-04:00

It seems like years ago. And like yesterday. This time last year, I was plotting my own death and it would only be a matter of days before it was carried out.

But I reached out at the last minute. A late night email to let someone know how much they meant to me. what followed wasn't part of the plan.

And now, I'm reading an entry at Matthew Good's blog and it all comes back to me like nothing has changed. A different family is mourning the loss of a daughter, mother, sister. Everything I've ever thought about not being judged for those acts we commit, rings so true in my heart right now. And I know wherever she is, she's welcome.

And maybe she's finally getting some rest.

The Happening

2008-06-19T01:14:00.004-04:00

so.

I've been told before to never start a journal post with the word "So". I don't recall at the moment what the reason for this was, so I will ignore said advice and proceed with the rest of this short entry.

I haven't seen a movie in years that jarred me as much as M Night Shyamalan's 'The Happening', this evening.

It's apparently opened to shit reviews and catcalls from the cheapseats in the back, but I think there are solid performances and very sound, moving moments of experts effects and film making there. And the best part, it leaves you (no pun intended) with a little something to think about. Also, I like the human elements in his film. Such as families coming together in the end, and maybe that is for the *real* cheap seats in the back, but hey...I kind of like things to lead from one to another.

It's a horror movie. Watch it as such, and move on. Get over yourselves.

a tad of gin

2008-06-17T18:57:00.000-04:00

I want to know where my confidence went, one day it all disappeared...
I'm sitting in Rose's dining room, typing on my laptop and smoking a cigarette. I'm contemplating the very blue martini that she's just poured me. She added two shots of gin, so you can almost light my breath on fire. Her's of course, is not as strong. And that's not counting the 3 or 4 gin and tonics I've already had. Let me tell you, I just want to sit around and have a few cocktails and laughs with a good friend. You know?

The past week and a half has been great with the visiting of old friends and my family, but I just want to relax. I'm actually looking forward to getting back to Hall Beach for some relaxing being of nothingness. With me, it has always been one extreme to another. But I have enjoyed myself here in Southern Ontario. Yes. That I have.

I spent some time in Kingston with Sammygurl and we shopped. Had some laughs. Watched an old Henry Rollins comedy dvd and laughed some more. I'd almost forgetten how awesome he is. I will care about your feelings, I will do your windows... I have to get that dvd 'shock and awe' again. It's like being home.

Saw Mattie last wednesday, the show was amazing. We were in the balcony. I annoyed the girl sitting to my right, with all of my high profile lens photo taking. It was great. My telephoto lens is like sex with a camera. Luckily, my older sister was willing to hold my lenses everytime I switched over.

I got this little piece of heaven...

I've driven over 2000 kilometres of ribbons of highway over the past week. I love the glide of the wheels over the asphalt, the sound of my music in my ears, and feel of wind from the open window on my arms as I'm getting from one place to another. It's truly my idea of heaven. I don't even care where I'm going, just the act of driving is my favourite part.

My eyes have been filled with the greenest green of wet leaves when it's rained. The smell of the rain burning off the concrete of city streets when I'm going by is so like heaven. It's what I imagine heaven to be like. My car and endless road with any song I have ever heard.

How I would love to drive the Pacific highway in my bare feet, with the window open. I will.
Anyhow, this has been a random entry of vaca gaga stuff and some things floating around in my head. Along with a tad of gin.

Till I am Myself Again - Blue Rodeo

2008-06-10T23:25:00.000-04:00

I'm having a pretty good time on my vacation. I'm visiting family, friends and getting stuff for my life in the Arctic. It feels as though I am getting shit done. The weather is beautiful (if a little hot) and I love gliding along the streets when I skip from place to place for household items. I so love the driving.

But in the midst of this easy time, I am faced with the fact that I don't know where one of my sisters is. The only news I have comes from the newspaper that informed my *grandmother* that my sister was one of many that were arrested on drug related charges. The news filtered down to my older sister and I by way of other family members. I've been shocked, saddened, disheartened, angry, worried, and embarassed over the past few days. Now we're just worried.
When I heard, my first thought was 'typical'. And I wish she would get her shit together. But it's not my life. And I shouldn't judge, I have no idea what is going on in her head. I've given up, for less.

So, I still have an overnight trip to Kingston and Matt's concert tomorrow. It's been awhile since I've been to a rock show, I hope that shoots my blood through the veins.

Keep a look out for an awesome entry over the next week, this has just been a brief update.

search me

2008-06-08T01:43:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here, eating leftover takeout from Ruby Tuesday, wondering when my feet will stop being swollen, and tired as all heck. Rose and I went to Michigan to border-shop and have a day out on a mini road trip. My feet have been swollen I think since yesterday and now they are starting to bother me. This of course, is mostly because I was trying on a bunch of shoes today and none fit (which is sad because I'm down in Southern Ontario and it's summer weather and all I want to do is wear flip flops or summer shoes).

My feet (and please indulge me here for a second) are so swollen, that I cannot differentiate between my ankle and my foot, that's how wide they are. When I am standing up and leaning forward with my feet flat on the ground, creases appear on the front of my ankles. I don't know why this is happening, although I suspect it's all the time spent in the car, driving but it's annoying. Especially when I want to have nice pretty feet to go with my nice pretty summer outfits. It's a sad, sad thing.

I got in trouble crossing the border again today. Well, I should say that Rose got into trouble on my behalf. I forgot we stopped at a shoe store and bought shoes, so I forgot to tell them that a reciept existed. We had to go over to customs and let the border guards rifle through everything as though we were running drugs or meeting with our secret contacts of the American Indian Movement, although in Rose's case she would be meeting with the Black Panthers. And I know that border guards have to be cautious and be alert, but they don't have to pretend to be the Alpha males (when they are clearly not) and be complete a-holes even when you tell them you are just going to visit some friends.

So in the end, Rose was told very very sternly that she will get a big penalty the next time she doesn't claim something when she crosses the border. And we're talking a difference of 50 bucks here, guys. I'm glad that they are concerned about the second pair of shoes we bought, and not the two sixty ouncers of booze we had stashed back there. Ok, kidding about the booze.

In the end, the most satisfying part of the trip was our dinner at Ruby Tuesday. I am sure there are plenty of people out there that think the place sucks, but we truly had a great meal. The fruit iced teas were sublime. I had cherry, then strawberry while Rose stuck with mango. Little bits of fruit in the tea were amazing. The dinners themselves were amazing, and I mean that not jsut because I haven't seen a decent head of broccoli in a few months, but because they were well plated, served and totally cooked to perfection.

ok, maybe that was a little bit of gushing there. back to feet gazing.

2008-06-06T14:24:00.000-04:00

So I'm really enjoying the convenience of southern living. And I mean, hamburgers at night. Or watermelon in a store that is 1.) fresh and 2.) right around the corner in a store that stays upen until 10 p.m. But it's just a fancy. I won't always be away from home. Someday, I'll be back for 'sort of' good.

Got into my London at around 5 and went straight to my sister's place, hoping my nephew was there but he was being dropped off later. When I opened the door, his whole face lit up and he ran into my arms. It was one of those kodak moments. I used an entire package of polaroid film on him. Everytime I took a photo, he'd run over and take it out and start waving it around, trying to make it develop faster. I don't know where he got these moves, he's just turning 3 in two days. Maybe he liked polaroids in another life.

Today, I have to run around to get a couple of things and then head out to Thamesville to hang with Rose. Dinner, then drinks at a bar later. I'm really looking forward to it.

but I have to say; in all the fun and games I'm having here...it's freaking hot. I don't even know how I am managing. At night, I slept with a fan aimed right at me. I know that it was hot here before, but coming from the very far freaking North where the high is 0 degrees, this 35 with humidity is a killer. I'm sweating, typing this out...and my sister has her central air on.

yeah, I'm a peach. And I can't stop listening to this song, or River by Joni Mitchell.

Helpless - Ryan Adams (Neil Young cover)

God, the music sometimes...

2008-06-05T07:41:00.000-04:00

just time enough for a quick update. My cup of hot coffee has gone cold, and I might be running a little late for an oil change this morning. Need to highway-ready the car for the roadtrip I'll be embarking on starting this morning.

My iPod is ready to go. I've loaded tons of Whiskeytown onto it, and am reveling in the voice of Ryan Adams. It's just too good, sometimes. God, the music sometimes...

It feels like maybe the time is going too fast. I've spent a few days with my parents on Manitoulin and now I'm off to London for about a week before heading to Kingston for a few days, then back here before heading back to Nunavut.

The fireworks fiasco was....interesting. I've decided that I don't like lighting fireworks. The fuses are too short and now that I'm an old lady, my heart just can't hack the fact that I have to light and dash as though my arms depend on it. And while I'm running away, the fireworks are exploding over my head. I'm still running, even as the ash falls down into my hair.

But I have to run now. Even though it's early, I got times to keep.

2008-06-02T22:04:00.001-04:00

there's a town in North Ontario...

I love the scent of the blossoms that floats around me when I'm sitting on the front steps of my parents house. It occurs to me that I took everything around for granted. Everything. The sharp blades of green grass, the budding leaves and the falling-open blossoms of the apple trees and lilac bushes. I knew that nature was happening around me, but I didn't pay any attention to it. And how much I liked it. Especially flowers. I just can't get enough of the scent of fresh lilacs in the vase in front of me.

I'm just enjoying it now.

I even cooked dinner for my family this evening. I never cook, anyone who has read this journal knows I'm no genius in the kitchen. It was just burgers and pasta salad with sugar peas but it was good and it was satisfying to sit down to eat. When we were at the grocery store, I had to force myself to not buy too much, reminding myself I could come back to the store and all the fresh produce would still be there. Crazy how much my perspective has been scewed since moving to Very Northern Canada.

In a fit of I-Don't-Know-What, Chunk and I bought a big box of fireworks. Stay tuned for either a very sad accidental dismemberment or fabulous photograhs.

green

2008-05-31T21:32:00.001-04:00

I got off the plane last night. It was raining. I breathed in the Northern Ontario air automatically. And immediately recognised the scent of wet spruce trees. It smelled so delicious. I knew I was back on my own sort of soil.

The flight was so smooth, I wish I could fly that way all the time. I was the only passenger and every time I got off the plane (to refuel) I felt like a rockstar or something. It was fun. The flight was so smooth, those pilots really knew what they were doing. I thought because it was a smaller plane that it would be rocky but nope. Awesome.

Checked into a cheap motel and went next door for a Gin & Tonic. It was so good. Then grabbed something to eat and came back to the room to eat and watch The Breakfast Club.

Now I'm back on Manitoulin and I can't get over how green everything is. It's like I forgot how green, green can be. I took polaroids during the drive home and of Marble and Buckley when I arrived. They seemed happy enough to see me, but it's really Beebs that has stuck to me like glue. She's so soft and pretty, and I missed her so much.

I'll sleep early again tonight and wait for my parents to get home tomorrow, then it will really feel like I came home. The house now is empty except for the pets and it feels a little like a motel. Maybe I'm travelling too much. Maybe the smell of burning rubber from the wheels of planes has corrupted my mind. Sometimes, I think I smell like burning rubber. Or that my breath smells like the inside of every plane. My couch, the window seat I covet.

But for now, any angst aside, I'm glad to be here. Maybe some photos tomorrow.

Everything is in bloom. Maybe me, too.

Don't Go Away Mad...

2008-05-29T16:10:00.000-04:00

that's all right, that's ok...I just grabbed this song off the internet. I haven't heard it in a few years and it seems to fit with what I'm feeling this afternoon. My flight plans had to be changed (not by choice) and so I was bumped to an earlier flight. I'm all happy and everything that I get to go home a few days earlier but it means an overnight in a crappy little mining town and catching a bus to Sudbury the next morning.

But it's ok. I'm going to get there, no matter what.

Unless of course the plane doesn't leave for some reason, which could happen. Anything can happen in the North.

So, I have to scurry around this evening and pack up my essentials. I don't plan on taking a whole lot with me, but man....I will be bringing TONS of stuff when I come back. Body butter, 12 different kinds of shampoo, new make up, crazy paints, new sheets, etc. Ok, that stuff is on the list but most of it will likely be put in with the packing for the move.

The move is when I have a bunch of stuff that needs to come up to Nunavut. My employer pays for all shipping and handling costs. So I basically just gather up anything I want, leave it in a big pile and movers come and pack things and ship them to me in the North. So I'll be buying rugs, dishes and other household items that can easily be brought by the movers instead of me on a plane.

And let me tell you, I am looking forward to the shopping spree that will ensure once I am back in Ontario. Also, Rose and I are planning a day trip to the States next weekend. I will also be heading off to Kingston at some point to visit Sam. That will be fun. Many gin and tonics will be murdered during that period.

I just have to load up my iPod with some new music for my plane ride tomorrow, and figure out how to get both cameras, laptop, wires and some clothes into my backpack. It should work ok.

man, this music is making me so nostalgic.

Don't Go Away Mad - Motley Crue

Canadian news, my way.

2008-05-28T15:07:00.000-04:00

Sitting around, listening to music and drinking banana flavoured milk. Not sure if I like it or not, so I keep taking small sips here and there.

I watch the news during my lunch hour, the big talk of Canada seems to be the Bernier 'scandal'. I hardly call it a scandal, as obviously no classified information has been made public, thus the problem the Opposition thinks exists...doesn't really exist. Although to be fair, something could surface at a later date since this story is relatively new.

basically what happened is the Foreign affairs minister (kind of a hottie in a Martha Stewart Connecticut weekend sort of way) was dating this girl (no show-stopper, believe me I've seen the pictures) who happened to have dated three men (married one), one turned up dead (murdered while awaiting trial for gang related activities), one killed himself and all three had biker gang ties.

So anyway, the minister guy forgets classified documents at her house. Does she call him and let him know? Nope. She calls a lawyer in order to have them returned.

In any event, he has resigned and she's giving interviews on television. The other political parties are calling for an investigation and etc, etc. The gf (now an ex-gf) is trying to let the public know that she is a real estate agent (lie) and a former model (yeah, right) and therefore a person without a blemish on their record.

Now, don't quote me on this stuff...most is what I've gleaned from new television.
There now...I've decided I don't care for the banana flavoured milk.