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This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

Panic and consequences

this is an entry that you may not want to read. I haven't wanted to write anything other than meal ideas for the past week because my head is full of worry. I'm like an ostrich that way, if I don't acknowledge it, then it's not really there. That didn't work this time.

those eyes
Originally uploaded by
Abstract Magdalene.

I was going to be more careful with this journal about posting photos of my face but today, this night, I don't really care. Maybe it's because my ego is floating around my ankles at the moment for unexplainable reasons, or it could be the lorazepam. That stuff comes in handy, sometimes. Very, very rarely. And only when I am at my most calculating.

Panic about not finding a job, not having anyone call me back about a job, not having enough job listings to choose from. I am behind on some bills and had to come up with a payment arrangement in order to not lose my car. Like I said, being unemployed sucks ass. I can breathe easy (theoretically) now that there is such an arrangement in place, but it doesn't solve the immediate problem of having no job or no money.

Panic. Holding it back with no will, and a tiny little pill.

You know, I've even applied for jobs like sales clerk or assistant manager of a small retail store, but because I have a degree, I'm apparently over-qualified. I need a job, shouldn't that be enough to qualify me? Stop looking at the degree for god's sake, not as if it's helping at the moment.

I can tell it's bothering me on a few levels. With writing, art, photography. Anything I do feels tainted. I don't want to take a photograph and 5 months from now, think oh right...that was when I was feeling really shitty, I remember that. As if I'd forget.

Anyway, it's back to a book I've already read, and music I've already heard, but maybe that will be enough to bring some comfort on this cold wintery night. I had to slip that in there because it's finally snowing.

The whining part of this journal is now over. Please resume your positions.

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