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This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

green Saturday, May 31, 2008 |

I got off the plane last night. It was raining. I breathed in the Northern Ontario air automatically. And immediately recognised the scent of wet spruce trees. It smelled so delicious. I knew I was back on my own sort of soil.

The flight was so smooth, I wish I could fly that way all the time. I was the only passenger and every time I got off the plane (to refuel) I felt like a rockstar or something. It was fun. The flight was so smooth, those pilots really knew what they were doing. I thought because it was a smaller plane that it would be rocky but nope. Awesome.

Checked into a cheap motel and went next door for a Gin & Tonic. It was so good. Then grabbed something to eat and came back to the room to eat and watch The Breakfast Club.

Now I'm back on Manitoulin and I can't get over how green everything is. It's like I forgot how green, green can be. I took polaroids during the drive home and of Marble and Buckley when I arrived. They seemed happy enough to see me, but it's really Beebs that has stuck to me like glue. She's so soft and pretty, and I missed her so much.

I'll sleep early again tonight and wait for my parents to get home tomorrow, then it will really feel like I came home. The house now is empty except for the pets and it feels a little like a motel. Maybe I'm travelling too much. Maybe the smell of burning rubber from the wheels of planes has corrupted my mind. Sometimes, I think I smell like burning rubber. Or that my breath smells like the inside of every plane. My couch, the window seat I covet.

But for now, any angst aside, I'm glad to be here. Maybe some photos tomorrow.

Everything is in bloom. Maybe me, too.

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Don't Go Away Mad... Thursday, May 29, 2008 |

that's all right, that's ok...I just grabbed this song off the internet. I haven't heard it in a few years and it seems to fit with what I'm feeling this afternoon. My flight plans had to be changed (not by choice) and so I was bumped to an earlier flight. I'm all happy and everything that I get to go home a few days earlier but it means an overnight in a crappy little mining town and catching a bus to Sudbury the next morning.

But it's ok. I'm going to get there, no matter what.

Unless of course the plane doesn't leave for some reason, which could happen. Anything can happen in the North.

So, I have to scurry around this evening and pack up my essentials. I don't plan on taking a whole lot with me, but man....I will be bringing TONS of stuff when I come back. Body butter, 12 different kinds of shampoo, new make up, crazy paints, new sheets, etc. Ok, that stuff is on the list but most of it will likely be put in with the packing for the move.

The move is when I have a bunch of stuff that needs to come up to Nunavut. My employer pays for all shipping and handling costs. So I basically just gather up anything I want, leave it in a big pile and movers come and pack things and ship them to me in the North. So I'll be buying rugs, dishes and other household items that can easily be brought by the movers instead of me on a plane.

And let me tell you, I am looking forward to the shopping spree that will ensure once I am back in Ontario. Also, Rose and I are planning a day trip to the States next weekend. I will also be heading off to Kingston at some point to visit Sam. That will be fun. Many gin and tonics will be murdered during that period.

I just have to load up my iPod with some new music for my plane ride tomorrow, and figure out how to get both cameras, laptop, wires and some clothes into my backpack. It should work ok.

man, this music is making me so nostalgic.

Don't Go Away Mad - Motley Crue

Canadian news, my way. Wednesday, May 28, 2008 |

Sitting around, listening to music and drinking banana flavoured milk. Not sure if I like it or not, so I keep taking small sips here and there.

I watch the news during my lunch hour, the big talk of Canada seems to be the Bernier 'scandal'. I hardly call it a scandal, as obviously no classified information has been made public, thus the problem the Opposition thinks exists...doesn't really exist. Although to be fair, something could surface at a later date since this story is relatively new.

basically what happened is the Foreign affairs minister (kind of a hottie in a Martha Stewart Connecticut weekend sort of way) was dating this girl (no show-stopper, believe me I've seen the pictures) who happened to have dated three men (married one), one turned up dead (murdered while awaiting trial for gang related activities), one killed himself and all three had biker gang ties.

So anyway, the minister guy forgets classified documents at her house. Does she call him and let him know? Nope. She calls a lawyer in order to have them returned.

In any event, he has resigned and she's giving interviews on television. The other political parties are calling for an investigation and etc, etc. The gf (now an ex-gf) is trying to let the public know that she is a real estate agent (lie) and a former model (yeah, right) and therefore a person without a blemish on their record.

Now, don't quote me on this stuff...most is what I've gleaned from new television.
There now...I've decided I don't care for the banana flavoured milk.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008 |

Ok. Sometimes, I pretend I'm singing when music is playing in my office. I do this partly because I'm bored out of my skull right now, and also because the music is pretty damn good. Right now it happens to be Bridge Over Troubled Waters by Simon and Garfunkel. I mean..how could you not pretend to be on a stage, in a spotlight, singing? Well, in my case lip-syncing.

A week from now I am to start a two week vacation. This seems like such a short time for me, at my old job I am used to having a month off at a time, but only because I scheduled it like that. I'm sure I could have a month now, but I guess I never really thought about taking a whole month so soon after starting. I know, I know..inane details that no one really needs to know.

well here's some more.
I was craving fruit juice this afternoon. So, I went to our little store and bought two bottles of juice, then a bottle of flavoured milk..I have no idea why other than the bananas looked appealing on the front of the bottle. I don't even like milk. I only have milk when I'm eating Lucky Charms. Weird. Anyhow, I came back and downed the two bottles of orange juice and craving is satisfied.

Nice that I can still do some things around here, even though I am starting to think Whoppers from Burger King are sounding really good about now.

I stayed up really late last night, downloading music like a fiend. I've been meaning (for like, two years) to get some of the songs from the Six Feet Under soundtrack, but never got around to it. Luckily, the songs are listed with each scene they were played on, at the website. Very handy.
Then I got distracted by old Joni Mitchell songs, so I grabbed a few of those. Then more Bob Dylan. Then I discovered a whole untapped resource of Ryans Adams stuff when he was with Whiskeytown, so of course...got some of those as well. There's so much great music out there that it's almost overwhelming.

I'm just going to go straight to bed after dinner tonight. If I even have dinner. I feel like such a pig because I bought this thick sliced bacon yesterday and had two bacon and tomato sandwiches. They were so good, and the tomatos were awesome, I am really into fresh produce of any kind when I am here. I wonder if that means I will be gorging on it, when I'm down South. Possibly. Just big bites of juicy dark pink watermelon flesh. Just before bed, it's the best snack.

Anyway, got distracted by food again. Gotta go.

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to be a complete unknown... Sunday, May 25, 2008 |

always danger...
I'm sitting in the middle of my bed, in my bedroom, trying to eat a fruit salad that I don't really want.I haven't updated in a few days mostly because I wanted to post some interesting photos but they never came from my camera. It feels like there is nothing to shoot here, I'm almost positive that I'm missing something. There must be something that I can take pictures of. I know I'm waiting on the ocean ice to break up and to see the water lapping at the shore line. I hope that will bring photos.

A little over a week from now, I will be in a plane heading to Northern Ontario. I can't wait. We're supposed to fly out on Tuesday (not sure of time) and it's only around a 5 hour flight. Then a three hour drive to my parents house where I will make up with Buckley and tell him he is the only one for me.

I hope he believes me.

The past two days have flown by. Feels like only a few hours ago that it was Friday and I was glad to be off. But I was called into work on Saturday. The drawback of being the only social worker in town is that I have to be on standby all the time.

I've been thinking about New York a little lately. Wondering if that will be my next landing pad or not. Not really a stretch to find work there, and the pop culture of living in that specific city. Might as well go and branch out since there isn't anything that has me tethered to a specific place. Of course, this is in a couple of years, not the immediate future. Maybe there won't be a New York in a couple of years.

Been thinking about the painting issue. I think I will buy some canvas and have it shipped up here with the rest of my move stuff (my employer pays for the cost of moving) but they will only be smaller canvases. Like, 3 by 4 feet or so. I have all of my paint at my parents, so if I pick up some brushes I'll be set to go. I guess we'll see...

In any event, although it's only 8:33 p.m I'm going to try for some sleep and see how that goes. I give up on this slimy fruit salad. Ugh.

Atmosphere - Joy Division

a mistake. again. Wednesday, May 21, 2008 |

I'm in my room. I bought a set of sheets from the Northern (a general store kind of place) that are bright orange in that tshirt material. So it feels like I'm sitting in a can of orange crush, typing away. It's really warm here today. It rained for the majority of the day but I think the sun has come out. Who am I kidding, it never goes away.

I miss the dark. I miss the night.

I recieved word of a tragedy about a week and a half ago. I was storing all of my paintings at my cousin's place. He isn't the most responsible person on the planet, and the company he keeps leaves much to be desired.

I should have known better.

It seems his apartment was broken into, things stolen, things trashed. I guess you know the end of this particular story. I lost everything I had created in the past 6 years. Not a large volume of work, but it was all I had to show for any creative genius I had shown, regardless of how minute it seems now. They were all trashed. Apparently one painting remains, which also happens to be not one I'm overly fond of. But I guess one is better than nothing.

I was numb for awhile. Unsure of what I was feeling. I feel disconnected from the actual paintings because they aren't in my face every day. But I feel deep down inside, that I have suffered a great loss. And I'm sure at some point, it will resonate.

It will resonate. It just isn't....right now.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008 |

thank you very much for coming this evening, we'll come back real soon...
I was at the store today, waiting for the mail people to find my mail and packages. I was standing next to the little tiny movie section that happened to have that movie about Bob Dylan. Several different actors posing as Dylan. It gave me goosebumps. And if I didn't have to be at work at an insane hour tomorrow morning, I would have rented. I am almost certain that no one around here will rent it, which will make it easier to buy in a few weeks. Sad. But delicious, too.

'Delicious' might be my new favourite word this week. Like the fruit salad I plan on eating for dinner. Or the movie that I plan on watching whilst eating that fruit salad. For some reason since coming up here, I just want green things, and fruit. Any kind of fruit. I'd even eat mangos and I don't particularly care for mangos. Too stringy.

Things around here have dried to a fine dust that clings to everything. I track in mud that dries into little explodeable clots of dirt. My jeans are dragging in the mud when I walk from here and there because they are too big and I don't have a belt. I should buy higher shoes. But I'll probably look for better fitting jeans in London when I take my little vacation in two weeks. It seems to be all I'm looking forward to, right now.

That, and Arctic Cotton. It's a flower that looks like a tufty cotton ball on a stick that grows around here. I'm looking forward to lying face down on the permafrost and taking pictures. permafrost. I wonder if the ground will be cold.

gravity keeps my hair down..or is it maybe shame? Being so young and being so....vain
I gave up counting my grey hairs and resigned myself to colouring my hair for the rest of my life. I like variety. I was red for most of the year last year. Then black for this year. I spend more time moisturizing than doing my hair. I feel that if I don't then I might dry up, and be like a crackling little leaf in my bed. Just shards of a formerly lusciously green leaf that once fluttered from a tree.

Anyhow. Fruit salad time.

If You Tolerate This - David Usher

home Sunday, May 18, 2008 |

Indiana Jones is going to be released on my Birthday. I thought that was kind of funny since I used to adore the whole set of movies and wanted to be an explorer...without having to eat monkey brains of course.

As I approach my thirty-third birthday, I'm not thinking so much on age rather on where I am and what I am doing. Before coming to the Arctic, I thought I would have a 3 or 4 year plan. Excecuting that plan will become more difficult as time goes one. Especially the big parts. I keep things under wrap in the event the plan changes. Plans always change.

The past two weeks have been tiring, and the travelling to get back to Hall Beach was draining as well. But I'm finally back in my new home, about to enjoy a cup of instant coffee (that I made too strong accidentally) and two slices of raisin toast. When I got home, I grabbed a can of pop, drank it while I unpacked then slept for 12 hours. I haven't been able to sleep in for weeks and Saturday was my first day off....most of which I spent in bed, reading.

I leave in another two weeks for a short vacation sort of thing. I'm flying down to Northern Ontario (that sounds so funny when I say it) and renting a car, visiting the parents for a couple of days, then driving to London where I will bask in the hotness and (hopefully) shop my brains out.

Things are muddy and slushy here, the ocean has not come in any closer since I've been gone and all the things I left in my bedroom are exactly in the same spot. I did feel as though I were coming home. I was happy when we landed, I was afraid we might not because of the town being fogged in for a couple of days, but no, we landed just on time.

So, that's the little update on me for the past couple of days. Back to my movies and some more coffee. G.

Saturday, May 10, 2008 |

Dear Mom and Dad,
Having a Blast.
I love  cannon


The Devil's in the Details... Friday, May 09, 2008 |

my feet don't touch the ground when you come around...
I'm exhausted. This week has been pretty brutal with travel and training. We're working right through the weekend which means no time off until next Saturday. I shouldn't whine, but I like to sleep in (if I can) so after awhile, it all catches up with me and sends me over the little deep end.

I wanted to post this. I posted it when I first got the tattoo years ago but I just wanted everyone to see it...again. Like it was the first time.
See how this love stays divine

I've been spending a lot of time with the local social workers which is kind of fun. Every day, the covering social worker cooks dinner and we sit around and gab until I see how late it's getting and rush back to the hotel. I use the term 'hotel' loosely and will post photos at some point. They book the rooms by the bed, so if anyone else checks in, I'll have to share a room. That's when I'll be begging for the couch at the social worker's house. Oh yeth.

I bought two perfect red pears. I set them on the dresser so they can ripen a bit more. They look delectable from where I am sitting, typing this out for you, and I want to taste one but it will be too hard against my teeth and unready to eat. Unready. I like to make up words, sometimes.

I'm getting excited about my trip to London in June. The shopping. The fact that I will be renting a car and will feel the warm June night air on my skin. I'll take nostalgic trips to Port Stanley and sit in the sand as the water waves over itself. I'm looking forward to it. I like the Arctic but I still have fond memories of other places.

The Devil's in the Details - Matthew Good.'

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Scream and save me... Tuesday, May 06, 2008 |

I sat down at this little fake rosewood desk and started to type the entry for the day. I'm in a rather classy hotel in Aqaluit, that actually offers highspeed internet and doesn't really seem to be kidding about the 'highspeed' part. A glass of ice cold water at my left hand, my toes toasty in super workman style socks and I'm trying to decide on whether or not to post a photo. Ryan Adams and Hawksley on the stereo. Sweet voices. I always fall for the voices.

Today was really warm when I got off the plane in Aqaluit. I jumped into a taxi (now that I'm a seasoned northern traveller) and went straight to the hotel where I unloaded luggage and went straight back for another taxi whereupon I directed him to take me 'to the shopping'. I bought silly things for my house like tealights and incense, a candle holder. Stuff I could have picked up on my way back but that for whatever reason just decided to get now.

Here is a photo of Jackie's birthday celebrations last Friday:

I really liked the light of the photo. Even though my intention was to travel light, I ended up bringing my camera. I would love to get more shots of the mountains in Pangnirtung and whatever else takes my fancy. Like more hotel rooms. Trust me, the next one is going to be a gem.

But I should go to bed. I have an exhausting 2 weeks ahead of me, with this mandatory training to complete. We will even continue through the weekends, so I won't have a day off until possibly next Saturday. So, now I'm going to jump into the hotel bed and cuddle up, fall asleep to some familiar music, a tea light and a a soft blue ride. It swells like the ocean in front of me, that deep, dark blue that you can't believe is natural light against water until you run your hand through it. Or take a dive.

I'm going to take a dive.

The Rescue Blues - Ryan Adams

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drunk talk Saturday, May 03, 2008 |

It's 2:43 in the morning. I know this because I am looking at the clock on my laptop. I've just come from a small get together with teachers and rcmp, and I have the urge to call my cousin or someone who will listen to my Bipolar ramblings. But it's so late that no one is awake.

there's something in the way you move that makes me catch a cold...
The problem is that it's still light out so it looks like 9 or 10 at night, and I think I can call people but really its super late and I should be in my bed, asleep. I had a good time this evening, maybe a little too much wine and I was facing the East and feeling the snow fall on my face as I smoked outside and realised that I needed to go home and relax in my cave. I don't know if that's the wine or the bipolar. I chalk it up to alcohol and go home and type away on my laptop and ignore the whole bipolar part. I pretend it's personality and not something more. Matthew Good is on the stereo and I think of how bad it is that I'm not 'out' with anyone where I am. And how brave he is for just putting it all out there. Braver than me. I hide behind eccentricities and the whole idea of being self-absorbed. Just the act of shutting myself away in my room and watching dvds. I don't know what is really real.

It doesn't snow here, not really. With the exception of occasions. The wind blows it around. But tonight it felt like regular snow, like the snow from back home. Like the snow I grew up with. So, I closed my eyes and faced it. Then I told every one I had to go home. My home, which is here. I know it sounds weird, reading it like that. But my home is here now, not where I came from, not where my mother lives. But where I live.

my body hums....like it's coming undone
I wish I could mail you all a copy of Matthew Good's "Hospital Music", so maybe you could hear what is in my head, what I've been through, what I pretend to ignore most of the days I am not unconscious. don't want to be so wide awake

The thing with booze is that it always makes me a little bit more honest than I normally would be, on any given occasion. So...take it for what you will. My words to you, are true. Tonight.

Odette - Matthew Good
Champions of Nothing - Matthew Good

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