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About

This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

Saturday, March 28, 2009 |

stay

I'm so glad it's Saturday. I was so glad it was Friday yesterday, as well. I left Pang and came back to Hall Beach meaning I spent the majority of my time on airplanes yesterday. I always think I'm so used to flying around, but I still get a little leery when there's a rough landing or something. But Bailey and I arrived safely.

Between flights in Iqaluit, I ran out and got take-out Chinese to bring back with me. I have priorities.

Then home and the Sopranos and chinese food last night. I stayed up late, and slept even later today. I've just been tooling around on the internet since getting up. My cup of coffee is cold, and my cigarettes just don't taste as good as they should.

More chinese food and Sopranos slated this evening. It's a lively night planned, let me tell you.
In other news, I've accepted a job offer and am moving in about 1.2 weeks to the Northwest Territories. I will be in a 'real' town with a lot of other people, a new apartment, and new things to explore. Most importantly (in my mind, right now) is the fact I will be able to drive out of the new place anytime I want to. I can explore to my hearts content in my spare time. I'll be buying a car, and paying new bills and having new experiences with a different cultural group.

I'm excited. I kept things in the background with this new venture just because nothing was set in stone. I guess it is now. I'm a little sad to be leaving the friends I've made, and the community here, but I feel like I'm pretty much done with my experience in Arctic Canada.

I will be in Yellowknife in May for work related reasons, and hope to clap my eyes on the houseboat community they have there. They apparently have drive in movies in the summer, only you go in a canoe not a car....how cool is that?? I'll also be in a new time zone, which will make for interesting phone calls as I am sure I will forget what time it is in other places when I get the urge to chat.

on to new things.

from the lips of Hawksley Workman Wednesday, March 25, 2009 |

I used to listen to *a lot* of Hawksley Workman. He was always on in the background, I read his writings and musings like they were the last drops of water from a bottle and I was in the desert. I just devoured anything he came up with.

And I spread the word. But after awhile. It was like I let out a secret secret and suddenly it didn't seem so good. I still enjoyed it, but not to the degree I once had.

BUT. I was recently reminded of a live thing he did for the CBC. Oh. My. God. It's hilarious and real, and sexy and it's so good, I had to transcribe (most of it) and post it here for your viewing pleasure. Email me if you want a copy of the mp3. Seriously. It's amazing.

And I trust my lust.
It’s Deep and it’s dirty and it’s dark and it’s true.
It’s deep and it’s dirty and it’s dark and it’s true.
It feels so low and it’s kind of slow and it’s not very fast either.
Trust your lust
Yep, wouldn’t trust anything else, not like my lust.
Thank goodness you’re the least terrible deadly sin. Never thought you were all that bad anyway.
With your writhing on the floor and your all night cravings
Never thought you were that bad anyway
And you feel nice in my hip pocket, close to my skin
And you help me sway when I walk…
You’re really not that….bad.
And I don’t take you to meet my mother, but I know she knows were together
I wouldn’t take you to Christmas dinner or thanksgiving too
I trust you lust, but I wouldn’t introduce you to my mother
No…never!!!!
Oh lust, you make me do things they say I’m not suppose to
Well look at them, walking so stiff and holding their little faces so tight
Pretending that *that* something isn’t there
Like they got it all figured out!
But you can’t be mastered and you can’t be beaten!
And they day will come when they will break down, weeping at your feet!
You can only fight the animal for so long till you become it…and it becomes you.
So just trust your lust.
Just trust your lust.
Your lust….your lust!!

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Wednesday, March 18, 2009 |

I think I might have a serious attitude problem. For some reason, some of my bosses piss me off. In my mind, serial crazy bosses=gish not thinking right.

Anyway, I'm on a banana cream pie pudding kick again. And Royal Gala apples. The fact that I can find those things in the Arctic is a miracle in itself. The fact that I am back to thosr sort of eating habits is a bit weird.

Last time I ate those things, I watched the sky change colours as I made frantic calls to MG (and still to this day, am amazed at my utter lack of shame as I related any and all events to him...I sometimes wonder if I said anything about the Apostle to him---so embarassing if I did) and smoked so many of those delicious cigarettes. I also ate a ton of pudding cups, and crisp Fall apples, and slowly lost my mind. Or maybe it wasn't really there to begin with.

In any event, that's what I was reminded of when I had a pudding cup last night. I bought all kinds of healthy things to eat, then only ate apples and pudding cups for dinner before heading to bed early.

I'm away from home on a work trip. I brought Bailey with me, carried him on the plane in a canvas bag then got into trouble for that in Iqaluit. But we got to eat in a chinese food restaurant and now we're in another Northern community, hanging out and working.

But I have to go now because I only just got on the internet at work, and I think that I will get in trouble for not documenting my time every 15 minutes (no shit). And somehow 'updating my journal' would probably not be that well accepted.

until later, go eat an apple.

think of me.

I Hold you close in the back of my mind Saturday, March 07, 2009 |

neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
Bailey and Irving

had a few drinks with friends tonight. A board game and some laughs. Caleb has excellent aim, and hit me in the middle of the forehead with a game piece. Although, I forget the reason why, now. Typical. I must have made a bad joke.

Have a lot on my mind, the past few days. I want to say it's nothing a few days on my own won't fix, but I have the feeling that being left alone with my thoughts is a bad idea, because I can get so self indulgent. Typical of gemini's maybe. Definitely for me. But I can't help it. I've tried thinking of other things, and I guess I will just have to admit things to myself at some point. Just not now. Later. Always later. It's just going to blow up in my face, as usual. So I put it off.

But tonight, I have a few hours to myself, thinking of watching a movie, starting the John Irving book that I've been meaning to read for years, and just relax. Chips, maybe. Or cheezies. Water and cigarettes. A candle burning to my right on the nightstand, and little paper lantern lights lit above my vanity. Ryan Adams in the background when I go to sleep. yeah, sounds like the perfect night.

I was writing earlier, before anyone stopped by. But I had to stop because it was getting to close. I want to write about everything in my head, but when it comes out on the page, it just freaks me out a bit. *grin*

Hope everyone has a kickass saturday night. Oh, the photo above is Bailey and the John Irving book, Until I Find You. So appropriate.

La Cienega Just Smiled - Ryan Adams

I am running at 65% capacity. Friday, March 06, 2009 |

I am running at 65% capacity. I can't figure out what the deal is. Well, I can, but not a lot can be done right now. not unless I have a runway to land on. Some place to taxi into.

Plans have been started for this landing place. Just need for a little time to go by, and I was never too good with patience. At least, having it. Must be a work in progress.

I've been watching movies all afternoon, pecking away at some Flash fiction (which I just love writing, it's my new thing) and reading short stories by some unknown (to me) female writer in Canada. At least one of us is getting read. But I brought something like 90 movies up with me, plus procured a ton more via Amazon (not counting the endless tv on dvd I've got stored up like a squirrel storing acorns) and haven't really watching much other than the new stuff that came in over the past year. Depressing. So I am on a little mission to watch old favourites this weekend (work permitting).

One Cusack movie and I see a resemblance between my first longtime (10 years of a lovely alcoholic mother-in-law among other things) boyfriend and Mr. Cusack. Daaaamn. It's like finding out that your favourite fat free dessert is chock full of fat, preservatives and (somehow) cancer causing carcinogens.

Don't get me wrong. I'll still indulge in that Cusack movie goodness, but sheez.

I've been thinking a lot about painting lately. Due to a lot of restrictions, I didn't bring any large canvases with me just small little 8 by 10s. Which are not conducive to my sort of paint splattering. I've tried ver the past year to produce something I would keep, but nope. Nothing yet. Mind you, I haven't tried that hard. Maybe tomorrow.

After I sleep for 12 hours.

Been listening to and old favourite of mine and Sam's by Southern Culture on the Skids (Walk Like a Camel) and it still makes me laugh. And wish for a cowboy hat, for some reason. Oh and horny boots. Oh yeth.

So, hyperlink me outta here, baby.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 |

into the crowded streets I go...
Such a round sounding song. Things feel like they are happening today. Or in the very least, have the potential to happen. I like it. I dig the possible changes that come around. Funny. Years ago, I couldn't handle change. Wasn't part of my make-up. Now it is. Something new and terrifyingly different every year, it seems like.

Makes me want more. But that will be secret for awhile.

legs
Remember this?

Thinking about my old house, or rather the apartment in London when I arrived after skipping my last class of my university career to see Matthew Good for the first time. My car was crammed full of pets and blankets and my computer.


But thinking about that house. How I liked and hated it at the same time for it's intensity and regularly falling apart features. I miss the backyard, though. Those peach trees and wild weeds, looking like a mighty forest in the middle of that downtown neighbourhood. Yeah, I miss it. I wrote a piece about that house. I might post it, we'll see.

Postcards sent, for better or worse. Mostly everyone will get a laugh. Once I get new interesting photos, I'll order more cards. Feel free to leave your mailing address in a comment, and I'll do my best to get one out to you. See how accommodating I've become. I think it's age.

Even if I still colour my hair black.

Bedtime, at least...reading time. I have a few books I've been meaning to read. But life keeps interrupting me.

Crossed Out Name - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals.

the money we make. Monday, March 02, 2009 |

leesa and caleb

It's a chilly one here today. The tips of my fingers and toes feel like ice water. I didn't wear longjohns today. I should have. Yes, there are several different types of underwear one must wear in this climate. I remember my mother trying in vain to get me to wear longjohns when I was a kid. I did everything I could to get rid of them, but they kept popping up no matter what. I think she finally gave up when I was around 12.

Now I'm there again, pulling those bastardly things up because they always make my pants fall down. It's annoying, although truth be told they really do keep you warm! Shows how much I thought I knew, back in the day.

Had a little tiny get-together at my place this past weekend. But in the aftermath, I just felt too peopled-up and indulged in complete alone time in my bedroom for the rest of the weekend. Just myself and Bailey, some dvds, a lot of books and a tuna fish sandwich or two. It was good, but not enough. I'm feeling the need for more alone time.
Luckily, it's fairly quiet in the office today.

In other news, I wrote a bunch of postcards for friends. Flickr has the option of using one of their affiliates make you a set of postcards out of your photos. I'd ordered a few sets last Spring (maybe summer) and haven't used too many of them. So, I wrote a whole slew of them out, and intend to post them today. There's a zinger in one of them. I hope that doesn't come back to kick me in the teeth.

Mind you, if I wasn't somewhat interested in a response (please, any response/god, *any* response??) then I wouldn't have written it and sent it out, right? We'll see, if I actually mail it or not. I just can't forget the man's hands, no matter how hard I try or how much time has gone on.
Strange.