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This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

Friday, December 26, 2008 |

I forget how far along I am in, on vacation. Enjoying the quiet warmth of mom's house. Sneaking Marble and Buckley into the no-dog area at night so they can sleep with me under the covers. And playing with the stuff I got from Santa. A hot new iPod in purple with enough space to fit my entire music collection 3 times over and a camera small enough to fit into the palm of my hand for easy on-the-go photo taking. It's been a good Christmas.

Here is Danny (the 2nd nephew), dancing in his Christmas concert here in West Bay, where he now lives with my parents. danny dancing
He's the one in the white shirt with his jaunty santa hat and smooth leg moves.

Tomorrow, I embark on the southern leg of my vacation trip. A week to be spent in Southern Ontario, gin soaked nights and endless take out sessions from The Vietnam Restaurant. Also, I get to spend time with my newest nephew born last month, and my little Niko who is expecting to see his Auntie Gish soon.

I sleep the sleep of the content for the time being. The nights are dark, and the days are light, all is as it should be in the normal world. This of course, includes the manic frenzy of the nephews playing around the house. I head to London tomorrow with my oldest nephew, Riley on a 7 hour roadtrip. It's a good thing he takes excellent direction when it comes to what I want to be played on the stereo.

Gotta run. Number 4 put a bottle of rum in my xmas stocking and I have a flask to fill.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 |

Dear Beauties,
Merry Christmas to you and yours.

invisible passengers

Love, G.

a tiny odyssey Thursday, December 18, 2008 |

December 13, 2008. 2:00 p.m.
get the wheel, lets go for a ride...
Jesus Fucking Christ. I love going to places. Staying in one spot for too long drives me a little batty. But the getting to the plane, being in the plane also drives me a little nuts. Sartre was totally spot on: Hell is other people.

Let me repeat: Hell IS other people.

No one has any consideration for anyone else. They are all just yackity yack at you no matter how engrossed you appear to be in your book. They listen to music (which in istelf is completely fine) but with ear phones that seem to be broadcasting the music to the rest of the plane rather than the person they are actually plugged in to.

I wasn't planning on pulling out my iPod to listen to music during the shorter flights because I've been totally lost in A Dull Roar by Henry Rollins (who, by the way totally gets what it is like to want to be alone) but the guy in the NEXT aisle over is listening to his iPod at some insane volume on the worst headphones, ear buds whatever...they are obviously not doing the trick. And I think it's old ACDC he's listening to. Great, the trailer trash music follows me everywhere.

go ahead, I said....erase
So, I'm sitting here, typing up a new entry on my laptop, trying to drown out the smells and noises of the people surrounding me. I guess I've been in the North too long, living it up on my own with too much relish, because last night I went into a bar to get a G&T and got a little twitchy for all the people in the place. All of them loaded, leering and loud. That didn't stop me from snorkeling down 4 drinks in 45 minutes before tottering out, but it wasn't the most enjoyable experience. I went back to the hotel room, listened to music, read and surfed the net.

I can see the airline ladies serving food ahead of me, and pouring drinks. They actually have wine. I wonder if I will have any. I don't think so. I am more hungry than anything else. It's a long plane ride (for me, anyway) of three hours, so maybe a bit of wine will help me conk out for a bit. Interesting to see my thought processes, isn't it?

Food time.

9:03 p.m.
are you still there? Yeah, I'm here
In Toronto. At a Perkin's restaurant next to the hotel I'm staying at. They lost my bag, which I expected. I don't know why. I just presumed that there would be an issue. Any time I am not dragging my luggage off a conveyor belt at each airport I ghost through, I just presume no one else will do it for me. And apparently I was right (this time). Luckily, I am used to travelling somewhat lightly, and packed everything essential in my backpack which comes on with me. Camera, laptop, sleeping clothes.

December 14, 2008. 9:08 a.m.
On a small plane to Sudbury, Ontario. Met up with Pam, a friend of mine from a few years ago. We keep in touch but so weird to run into one another just out of the blue. Took a photo. Will post later.

Bag found. All harmony restored to present state. Looking forward to landing and getting a coffee and having a long cigarette. This is only an hour long flight. Had one last night as well from Ottawa to Toronto. Watched a small part of The Dark Knight. I have a little thing for Heath Ledger. But we landed too quickly for me to get too far into the movie. Will have to pick it up at some point.

Almost 'home'. Where is home exactly...?

December 18, 2008. 10:32 p.m.
Updating journals. Alone in the house in Northern Ontario. Parents have gone to pick up one of the nephews in London. The christmas lights are on, the house must look like a beacon of sorts. The northern ontario winter is in full bloom and the snow falls while I'm outside smoking. Buckley and Marble in some sort of glory, with the treats I hand out and Beebs sleep beside me at night. I wish they were packable so I could bring them with me wherever I go.

Small road trip planned for tomorrow. Just me, music and the road. Black ribbons of it rising up in front of me. My mascaraed eyes and plumes of cigarette smoke.

Can you picture it, beauties?

Get the Wheel - Greg Dulli
The Lure Would Prove to Be too Much - The Twilight Singers

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Everywhere I go, no one seems to know... Friday, December 12, 2008 |

The sky turned the colour of glowing emeralds last night. It was late, past 11. I wandered around the house, listening to music, smoking cigarettes and trying to decide what I should pack for my trip home. I usually leave it to the last minute, and that's not something I mind, it's just the way I usually do things.

I have probably posted this photo before, but wanted to again. It feels like home, almost. Something so familiar, I will never forget the lines.
the hands

I feel like a total heel for leaving Bailey behind for a month while I go gallavanting around Ontario. He's become closer to me as time has gone by, and even though I am sitting in my office writing this out and he's at my friend's house less than half a 'block' away, I miss him. Really missed him last night as I closed the lights and went up to my bedroom. I am used to hearing the sounds of his following me on the stairs, and his nosing around on the bed until he's comfortable. I've gotten word from my friend that he's followed her into the shower, is eating constantly (very unlike him) and that sort of makes me feel as though he misses me too. Which makes me miss him more. I hope he doesn't get too attached to her. Even though I am obviously older, I would feel a tad betrayed. *grin*

So I will be home by Sunday. I have to have overnights in two cities, so even though I am leaving today, I won't arrive until early Sunday morning. Which I have accepted (even though I was crabby about having to stay overnight in Toronto). I guess now that I have lived so far away for awhile, it would be weird to leave and get there in the same day.

I don't have a lot of packing to do. I travel very light when leaving this place, and come back with more stuff. I'm taking a mostly empty suitcase, and a carry on that will hold my laptop, camera, etc. 2 changes of clothes, some toiletries and away I go. I'm happy to go, ok to stay, I suppose. I just wish I didn't have to go through the hassle of numerous airports to get where I'm going. That's the part I am really not looking forward to.

But here is a small list of things I am looking forward to:
- my dogs, Buckley and Marble. My cat, Beebs
- sushi
- take out food of any kind
- my mother's house, the warmth of it
- warmer weather
- not having to wear my gigantic parka for awhile
- shopping, new clothes, new cds, new movies, christmas presents
- DRIVING IN A CAR on paved roads
- coffee from a real coffee store
- my family
- seeing my brand new nephew, seeing my other nephews and spoiling them rotten
- gin and tonics (Taqueray, of course)
- get togethers with my friends
- long drives with music on the cd player
- grocery stores

I am sure there's more, just can't think of everything off the top of my head. I really can't wait to see my dogs and my cat. I do miss them terribly.

In any event, I have to get some work done at the office before heading home to finish packing. And I must check the weather to make sure my plane will arrive.


it's been so long...and I've been waiting. Saturday, December 06, 2008 |

I'm feeling alittle introspective at the moment. I read another's blog, someone I've followed for a number of years, someone I've felt a kinship with no matter what comes out of his mouth (it seems), and someone who inspires me when it seems he is at his lowest. This entry follows the same train of thought of one his more recent.

So I come here and tinker with words. I think back to past entries. The good ones. The ones I actually wanted to read myself. Ones I didn't hate. And I wonder where that girl went. Oh, some would say I'm still me, that that girl is still here, one in the same. But I don't think so. I think she's gone. She might make small appearances here and there, but she's really packed up and moved on.

And I shouldn't be sad. I mean, that girl got into a lot of trouble for her errant ways and ultimately led me to where I am today...alive and kicking. Still waking up each morning, breathing. But I still think back and admire some of the stuff she pulled off. And it feels like the art was better back then. I feel as though I am missing the passion, the fire that used to burn through me to do things. Well, I suppose it really is missing, given the changes that have happened over the past year. I guess that fire wasn't always so good. But it felt like it was.

The old me would have sent an email to my fellow blogger with a suggestion or a remark. Now, I just read and move on. It's almost an absence of feeling. The old me would have done *something*. Now, I just sit back.

Even though moving forward is apparently good, I still spend a fair amount of time looking over my shoulder. It's something I'm known for.

My rationale is this: how can I see where I am going if I don't know what I've done?

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Thursday, December 04, 2008 |

I like to think there are certain things I can put up with. Actually, since moving here I've found that my tolerance for waiting and patience has risen dramatically. Where I used to fuss and get cranky at power outages, I now merely shrug and light some candles. It's nice that my candles are both pretty and functional. And I mean that in a completely non-Martha Stewart way.

But today has been an odd day. It's been the kind of day where you get good news, and lots of it, but it's like double edged in disappointment in some way. For instance, when I heard from my supervisor that I can now take the time off as planned in December to go home for Christmas, I was happy. But not so happy when I realised I would have to change the plane tickets *back* to their original dates at an added cost of 500 dollars.

Then, a job I had applied for (read: dream job) with no real hope of actually getting in for an interview. I don't mean that in a low self-esteem way, just being realistic as there are tons of people way more qualified than I am to take that position. In any event, I get a message and an email asking that I take part in the 2nd round of the interview process. I'm happy, and excited. So I call the guy back, then he tells me that yes there is a large pool of qualified applicants in the B.C area already from which they will likely hire someone, but that he would like for me to participate (if I still wanted to) to see where it went. So, I get to partake, but only until I get shot down in one of the rounds of the interview. Cool, but you kinda see where that is going :)

I took this the other night. A paper lantern that I have hanging in my living room. Like some kind of bohemian love-nest. Yeah. Right.

But no fear, dear beauties, I still have my cranky side. I've spent so much time on the phone with the airlines, that the operator I'm talking to is now familiar with my sighs andmoans of frustration. I don't understand, so early in the season *why* it's so difficult for them to put together the itinerary I had...from FOUR days ago.

I'm still on hold.