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This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

Friday, October 30, 2009 |

All I want is you.


Where is the face that you know?

She's Got A New Disguise - The Matthew Good Band

Wednesday, October 14, 2009 |

you know the one I bought in Phoenix, where they sell old jewelery.

Above is the photo I took of our Thanksgiving dinner spread. It was tasty. I won't bore you with the details of how I forced lemon herbed butter underneath the skin of the turkey breast and mashed cream cheese into the potatoes. But yummy, nonetheless. Also, the peach pie I decided couldn't be that hard to bake, turned out ok, too.

In my ever changing duties at work, I had to arrange a funeral today. It's the first time I've picked out a plot, bought a casket, or tried to decide on a Catholic or Anglican ceremony. To tell you the truth, I am not even sure if this is supposed to be significant to me, or if it's just business as usual. I guess my stomach will decide.

I'm homesick, in case I haven't mentioned that before. I feel when I speak with friends or family, it's just a long list of complaints and no bright spots. I try to keep an eye out for those bright spots but it's been a little more difficult since I've started sharing space with the Italian, and I feel like I can never show my real face, even at home. And I'm not laying blame, it's really just a matter of my own comfort level with things.

So, homesick. Trying to patch together some time off for the beach vacation with Number 4 and some time with my nephews and parents and other sisters. Basically, I don't know how it's going to work. But I'll figure something out. I am thinking for January, so I still have time to work out plans.

It sounds low, but I feel good. The first snow fell and stuck to the ground. I drive around for work, and I see kids out in their snowsuits, making snow angels. They stand up to admire their work, then run off..the still falling leaves of poplars flying behind them in little whirlwinds.

It's enough.

Harder Now That It's Over - Ryan Adams

I will never be with you Friday, October 02, 2009 |

I shouldn't listen to James Blunt in the morning. It's almost too sweet, like eating chocolate or sugary breakfast cereals with very little milk. Marshmellow shapes that melt in your mouth or turn your milk into rainbow colours. Too sweet.

self portrait

I guess I am all done with driving to Yellowknife for awhile. The blanket of freezing temps and glittery snow will soon descend upon us and it will be like a quiet numbing feeling that will linger until the first breath of Spring comes back around. It all presents itself like a cycle in my mind. Round, circular, the only thing really different being the year. 2003, 2006, 2008. I am looking forward to the snow. I've got pellets for the stove in my house, blankets to cover my bed, and somehow, a guy to keep the sheets warm for me when I jump in (not necessary but nice to have, nonetheless).

I'm up at a good time, hoping I will leave the house so I am not late for work again. There is heavy frost on the car, Alessandro stood at the kitchen window in front of the sink, waiting for his truck to warm up. Good morning kisses still surprise me, but aren't unpleasant.

I still cling helplessly to things from the past, but it's comforting in an anchoring sort of way. Like a small way to remember how I used to be. That girl. Then I realise in short blasts of clarity that people are ever evolving and that the same is true for myself. A constantly changing orb of colour.

But now it's time to choose the eyeshadow colour of the day. Greens? Blues? Pinks seem to lame. I want something punchy. Looking forward to a new haircut this evening. Nothing really different, just cleaner, more defined bangs. Yeth!