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This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

one...two...three...four. Sunday, April 27, 2008 |

I’m just a couple of days away from the time I left Ontario, a month ago. It feels like a lifetime ago, of my ripping tags off of my luggage and trying to keep flight numbers, times and dates in my head while I tried to prepare for my destination. A life time.

Your forgiveness ain’t a neighborhood that I’m looking to live in, baby…
Getting a lot done today. Housekeeping items. Laundry, a half hour long hot shower, dishwasher, putting up my Polaroid art in the living room, sorting through the books I brought with me, sitting here thinking about nothing in particular. Which is just a tiny bit of a lie. I was thinking about something but it was from another life, and doesn’t really have a place in the here and now.

Must have lost my mind, when I lost your heart key…
I still keep your pictures, as if you are lost at sea...

My daily moisturizing routine will hopefully keep me from looking my age, or like a withered old hag when I return to the South. That’s my hope, it may not be a reality. The wind is so harsh here, I can see how it would run rough ragged on your skin. Yes, I’ve managed to maintain some of my vanity in the Arctic. I only wear make-up occasionally since my eyes usually begin to water from the wind as soon as I leave the house, and since I’m currently not trying to impress the village with my raccoon look, I’ve decided to keep mascara on the shelf for the time being.

I started this entry hours ago, when I thought the internet wasn't going to be playing nice. Now, my bedroom is stuff but if I open the window, it lets in all of the light (won't be dark here until about 1 a.m.) and I have to go to bed now if I expect to be of any use in the office tomorrow.

So, with that, I believe I will have a bowl of Lucky Charms and slip into bed. Good night, sweet readers.

Man of Action – The Matthew Good Band
Tripoli - The Matthew Good Band

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gonna play my favourite song... Thursday, April 24, 2008 |

Came home a little while ago, stomping through the blowy snow to get to my door. I actually have two doors. One is a apparently a polar bear door which opens into a little porch, then another door that opens into the house. My room mate tells me it's a polar bear door, and I wasn't inclined to believe her but I think I've read that somewhere before. A door to give you a fighting chance in the event there's a gigantic white bear chasing you.

I'm drinking Orange Crush and thinking about the next episode of 6 Feet Under and wondering when I'll be disturbed to let someone in my bedroom to splice a cable wire. I'm at the end of my day and I just want to relax, read a book with a dvd on in the background. It's all I want. But the cable guy. Oh the cable guy must splice.

A cup of my morning coffee, and a small list of what I consider groceries.morning coffee

Maybe I'm settling in now, and still missing everyone even the ones I don't normally see on a day to day basis. I looked at real estate the other day on the internet and tried to picture myself owning again. Maybe planting something in a tiny front yard, and having disasterous barbeques in the backyard. Drinks with friends over movies. Wine and the ever present cigarettes. Music, of course.does that look like a house I'd listen to Matt Good in?

Silly thoughts like that. One thing about this place is the lack of colour. It bothered me when I got here, but it's really starting to run rough on my edges now. All the walls in my house are white, everything is so stark. I will either paint something to hang up, or start stapling t-shirts to the wall. Orange, blue, red, green.

But I know I'll be putting up an art project this weekend in the living room. Polaroids...everywhere. It'll be just delicious.

Feeling of Gaze - The Twilight Singers

braver than some Tuesday, April 22, 2008 |


Friday, April 18, 2008 |

It's Friday. I love being happy it's Friday again. It feels incredible to be productive (or somewhat given the state of affairs in my office) and just generally working, being able to get lost in it again. Which could be a bad thing, now that I think of it. Is it bad to want to get lost in work again? Something about the denotes the need to avoid reality.

Of course, in my mind, this is my new reality. Heh.

if only Wednesday, April 16, 2008 |

If I could float away on a glossy, green lily pad….that might be the thing to relax me. I’d just float down river and watch the tendrils of my cigarette smoke drift away on the warm little breeze. I could close my eyes and run home movies in my mind. These home movies would be re-released versions of past memories that were spliced so I only have to see the good parts.

If I happen to snag on a rock, or a little bramble of wood that has gathered in the river, I’d just hop to another lily pad and continue on with my little journey.

In my mind, I can see the blue sky on top of me, in a safe looking little bubble. A giant arc from East to West. Maybe here, the sun doesn’t go down for days at a time, and I get all my work done from the lily pad. Sometimes, I could do the dishes on there as well. Then I would have squeaky clean white dishes to eat from , but really all I would do is drink big cups of hot black coffee. My computer whirring away in the background.

Oh this lily pad is a sanctuary. And a means to a destination. One click here and you’re there. Just follow my little tracks and you can find me.
I finally got a hold of a polaroid camera and some film. I could take photos of my destinations. Leave a little trail of photographs for someone to follow.

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Monday, April 14, 2008 |

It's blowing cold here today. I almost froze my face off walking to work. And this is Spring time around here. I know I haven't experienced anything near what is supposed to be 'cold' around here but if today is any kind of indication, I think maybe I ought to go bulk buy thermal underwear.

I miss my family today. It's funny (ironic, not Ha Ha) that I feel this way because I am usually alone and not near my family anyway and I never felt lonely or anything. It's in my head. The distance makes my yearning echo, like ripples across the water. Of what was once a very still pond.

Anyhow, I can't write long, my bed is calling me.
I still look at your picture and feel like swimming in the pools of dark water that are your eyes...I'd come home for you

Sunday, April 13, 2008 |

I got up this morning and ate the hamburger I was supposed to eat for dinner last night. I vaguely remember the taste, but more importantly, I was blinded by the sun reflecting off the snow, the light coming in through the windows. I may need to resort to wearing sunglasses in the house. Weird.

Two entries in as many days. If the internet holds, that is. It just went out a minute ago, and I may be reduced to saving this to post later. I hate that. Because my words are always different when I re-read things a second time.

The view as we were descending into Hall Beach.broken ice

I need a phone call...
Words from home are not encouraging or heartwarming. Seems things have taken a turn for the worse for a number of people. This frightens me as it felt as though my foundation is back in Ontario, and with a shaky foundation, things here in the Arctic feel even more unstable than usual. I guess we just have to see how it shakes out when things are settled down.

This song. Things are one way in a certain place, and different in another. I suppose that's normal, and just the way it is. But I think sometimes, a continuum would be nice...

It's Raining in Baltimore - The Counting Crows

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Safe and Sound Saturday, April 12, 2008 |

The lights don’t go out until about 10 at night. I’ve been intending to write a real entry for about a week, but I figured that since I wasn’t around a reliable internet connection that I would wait until then to post.

But things have been running through my mind and I just feel like putting it down somewhere, no matter whether or not anyone else would ever read it. I figured I could be a private minded female version of Hemmingway, or Thoreau.

I’m in Hall Beach, Nunavut now. I’ve settled (mostly) into my new home and I seem to spend a lot of time looking out the windows at the other houses, the people walking by, the way the light hits the snow makes a white line of the horizon.

The one constant thing I’ve seem to cling to is the music I’ve been carrying with me. Pete Yorn in my ears, Matt Good, a song called Apple Orchard by a band called Beach. The music makes me a little home sick but at the same time, it’s comforting. It’s like hearing everything for the first time. Again. And again.

The weather is like a warm December. Light snow, a sun that seems to feel like it belongs on a Hawaiian beach then above the Arctic circle. It really is incredible to see and feel.

On my way to work, I listen to Safe and Sound by Hawksley Workman. I can picture the trees, the colour of the leaves, the way the sleepy towns look when you drive through...his music is so visual to me.

My plane rides were annoying (stewardess craziness) and I was travel-weary when I finally arrived in Hall Beach (I had spent a week in another community in Nunavut prior to getting here) and was tired of packing and unpacking. Unpacking my blankets for the last time (hopefully for awhile) is a very nice feeling.

One area of interest is the DEW line up here. Just google it and see what you come up with. I am now, your first line of defense...*grin*

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