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About

This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

Thursday, December 17, 2009 |

Dear Canada,
I had no idea you were so big to drive over.
Love,
Gish.

Goin' home, folks...Comin' home. Saturday, December 05, 2009 |

Goin' home, folks...Comin' home.

in the street

11 days and counting before I'll be within the borders of Ontario to live for the first time in two years.

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I Turn My Camera On. Monday, November 30, 2009 |

Making plans. They fall together like loosely knitted stitches on a hand made scarf. Warm and wooly, for the winter. This pleases me.

I type this in my soon to be non-bedroom. Meaning, I've been offered a new job, back home in Ontario. Well, not really 'back home' but given the amount of traveling I've done the past couple of years for work, to go back to my home province to work is like going back home (in my mind). The job itself is a step up in level and responsibility, as well as something I've always wanted to be involved in. And it's in my chosen field.

For the first time as an adult, I'll be living in the same city as my father and my youngest sister. I'm looking forward to the piano lessons I will take, as well as the guitar lessons I will squeeze out of my dad :)

Just a couple of weeks to go here in Hay River, then it's a jump into the cockpit of my car and away I go...onto the ever bidding highway of my life.
getting there

Can't wait to see what happens next.

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but I'm still a soldier. Tuesday, November 17, 2009 |

 

Interesting developments growing in my life. I'm not really sure how things are going to play out. I'm looking at change. Always looking for the next rock.

Other new things happening: one of my best friends is expecting her baby any second now. Another is enjoying her job and boyfriend, content with how her landing has worked out. Bailey still follows me around the house like a lost soldier.

I have this unique ability to cut my work life (apart from some aspects) off from my private life. It's odd, now that I think about it. Discussion with others in the profession, we've come to the conclusion there is no major research on this topic. I'm sure one of us decided to file that idea away for future thesis ideas.

I love my work. It keeps me busy, it's interesting. It's always the same thing, but it's completely different no matter where I go. I think that is in part what keeps me looking at new places. Because it might be so great to work there. In the field that I do.

Long telephone convo tonight with Sam. Fun times. My old black rotary telephone might be failing because I apparently sound muffled. I am eagerly awaiting a baby pink rotary phone to arrive in the mail. I love the nostalgia, and the cheesiness.

Hawksley Workman has announced a new tour. It sounds like the usual places, which is good because I am familiar with some venues. I keep missing him, though. Haven't seen him in years.

Then Sam pointed me in the direction of the above photo.
Feels a bit like home, maybe.





Photo Courtesy of Trevor Weeks.

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Friday, October 30, 2009 |

All I want is you.










*Fearless

Where is the face that you know?


She's Got A New Disguise - The Matthew Good Band

Wednesday, October 14, 2009 |

you know the one I bought in Phoenix, where they sell old jewelery.
dinner

Above is the photo I took of our Thanksgiving dinner spread. It was tasty. I won't bore you with the details of how I forced lemon herbed butter underneath the skin of the turkey breast and mashed cream cheese into the potatoes. But yummy, nonetheless. Also, the peach pie I decided couldn't be that hard to bake, turned out ok, too.

In my ever changing duties at work, I had to arrange a funeral today. It's the first time I've picked out a plot, bought a casket, or tried to decide on a Catholic or Anglican ceremony. To tell you the truth, I am not even sure if this is supposed to be significant to me, or if it's just business as usual. I guess my stomach will decide.

I'm homesick, in case I haven't mentioned that before. I feel when I speak with friends or family, it's just a long list of complaints and no bright spots. I try to keep an eye out for those bright spots but it's been a little more difficult since I've started sharing space with the Italian, and I feel like I can never show my real face, even at home. And I'm not laying blame, it's really just a matter of my own comfort level with things.

So, homesick. Trying to patch together some time off for the beach vacation with Number 4 and some time with my nephews and parents and other sisters. Basically, I don't know how it's going to work. But I'll figure something out. I am thinking for January, so I still have time to work out plans.

It sounds low, but I feel good. The first snow fell and stuck to the ground. I drive around for work, and I see kids out in their snowsuits, making snow angels. They stand up to admire their work, then run off..the still falling leaves of poplars flying behind them in little whirlwinds.

It's enough.

Harder Now That It's Over - Ryan Adams

I will never be with you Friday, October 02, 2009 |

I shouldn't listen to James Blunt in the morning. It's almost too sweet, like eating chocolate or sugary breakfast cereals with very little milk. Marshmellow shapes that melt in your mouth or turn your milk into rainbow colours. Too sweet.

self portrait

I guess I am all done with driving to Yellowknife for awhile. The blanket of freezing temps and glittery snow will soon descend upon us and it will be like a quiet numbing feeling that will linger until the first breath of Spring comes back around. It all presents itself like a cycle in my mind. Round, circular, the only thing really different being the year. 2003, 2006, 2008. I am looking forward to the snow. I've got pellets for the stove in my house, blankets to cover my bed, and somehow, a guy to keep the sheets warm for me when I jump in (not necessary but nice to have, nonetheless).

I'm up at a good time, hoping I will leave the house so I am not late for work again. There is heavy frost on the car, Alessandro stood at the kitchen window in front of the sink, waiting for his truck to warm up. Good morning kisses still surprise me, but aren't unpleasant.

I still cling helplessly to things from the past, but it's comforting in an anchoring sort of way. Like a small way to remember how I used to be. That girl. Then I realise in short blasts of clarity that people are ever evolving and that the same is true for myself. A constantly changing orb of colour.

But now it's time to choose the eyeshadow colour of the day. Greens? Blues? Pinks seem to lame. I want something punchy. Looking forward to a new haircut this evening. Nothing really different, just cleaner, more defined bangs. Yeth!

Polaroid fun Wednesday, September 23, 2009 |

Someone sent me the link to convert photos into a 'polaroid'. I have one pack of 10 photos left of actual polaroid film and have been hoarding it for good times. But I can never seem to decide what would be a good time. So, here is a way I can have 'sort of' Polaroid shots. Very cute and handy, this program. I love it so far.

having a smoke break-pola01

If I'm not on the internet fooling around with stuff like this, I'm wrapped up in my head, trying to think my way out the situation I've gotten myself into.

I should clarify that it's not a bad situation, just one I am unfamiliar with and I don't know how to navigate my way because it's like I'm lost at sea, and am surrounded by fog. Writing that, I can hear the creaking wood of an old ship, the snap of the sails in the wind, and even the scent of salt on the air. I'm just feeling a bit lost.

There is nothing 'wrong' with my relationship, but I do feel as though I should be looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing. And this is to my own detriment. I know I should relax and just enjoy what's happening, but I just can't. It's too much of an alien situation for me to become too comfortable. I worry about the future, I worry about what I want, or what I think I want, or what I 'should' want.

I've had a toothache since Saturday and that doesn't really help things. It makes me whiny (in my head), and uncomfortable and all too much time to think. Which could be the killer in this event. I can think my way out of or into anything.

And right now, I feel the urge to run. I am thinking of leaving for the weekend, holing up in a hotel somewhere and just be alone. I have the urge to jump on a plane this weekend, go to my mother's and hide out in her basement. Or some tropical place, where no one knows me and I can hide behind my sunglasses and multiple fruity alcoholic drinks.

that's what it is, really. I want to be alone. Like I used to be. That at least, is familiar.

Sunday, September 20, 2009 |

Sometimes, I am reminded. That I love my dad.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 |

Ah, it's always the light that catches my eye. Draws me in, like a fish chasing a feathered lure. I swim through the dark and hone in on the shiny bits of the room.
finger shadows

The show in Yellowknife was good. The crowd had great energy and I came away feeling a bit like my old self.

Photos and all. Driving hours on ribbons of highway unfolding itself in front of me. Music blaring, cigarettes and just the thoughts in my head. The sights I see.

Saturday, September 12, 2009 |

Sitting in a hotel room in Yellowknife. This is starting to feel like a habit or something. I'm even in the same room I had before. Interesting.

I ended up coming back for the Hey Rosetta! show. Which was great. So much energy, and it felt good to see a live show again. It's been awhile. Took a lot of photos, I'll post something when I get home.

Now, I have to gather myself up and head back to Hay River so I can be on call for the next week. *sigh*

I picked up a special treat for my friend Sam and a tshirt for myself. Hope it fits. :)

They played Becky, I keep singing this song.

Loved. It.

When you gonna flower? Monday, August 31, 2009 |

mornng glory

My Morning Glory plant has finally flowered.I've been patiently watering it, and hoping it bloomed before the frost came to zap it dead on my front deck. Finally a reward in the square shaped blue blooms came to me this week. I just want to stare at them. Beautifully symmetrical and blue.

I'm back in Yellowknife for work reasons. I elected to drive this time so I can enjoy some serious alone time and get back in the groove of driving which I used to love so much. So armed with the 10 mixed cds I made for myself, my camera and a lot of cigarettes, I ventured out and 5 hours later arrived in Yellownife with a sigh of regret that the first part of the trip was over. Checked into the hotel and settled down for a night of reading and tv background. It was lovely.

And I only saw 3 buffalo on the side of the road. So I stopped for a photo, with one food on the brake and eyes on the massive animal that could have charged my car at any moment he felt necessary. I wasn't prepare for how large these things are up close. This is about 20 feet away.

buffalo 1

I left my home life behind which wasn't necessary, just felt normal. But laying in bed last night and thinking, I realised it will be nice walking into a house that another has been breathing in for the past few days. Sometimes, I wonder how I got into this. Other times, I realise it's just a frog in the pot thing. Something I gradually got used to, and was in the situation before I realised anything was completely different.

Those Italian text messages aren't enough to make me come undone.

Love don't mean a thing. Wednesday, August 12, 2009 |

I leave little messages for you here
I'm not at the point yet, of lighting one cigarette off the end of another. But getting close. Seems all I'm doing lately is smoking. In the car, half smokes because the rides are so short. Or I get bored during break time so I don't finish a full cigarette. Maybe it's making things bleak in my round world, not sure. I broke the new iPod dock already.

I bought a beautiful sky blue couch at a yardsale on the weekend. But it won't go into the tiny doors of the trailer (yes, I live in a trailer) other than the main doors. It will go through the backdoor, but that's on the other side of the house. So it's making my front porch quite homey for the time being. At least, until I can hire someone to move it for me.

Heartache shine a light...down on me tonight
I woke up alone for the first time in a little while, it made me feel disoriented. But I eventually kicked that lame feeling out of my head and remembered that I enjoy waking up to an empty bed. Just seemed...odd, at first. But I was so cranky yesterday that I suspect I wasn't all that successful in pretending I didn't care that he left in the middle of the night, not waking me because he knows sleep is precious. But I guess I couldn't help but feel a tad disgruntled.

this century's version of Message in a bottle {3/365}

Photos I took years ago are popping into my mind. Not in relation to what I'm feeling, they just appear like debris on a beach, washing ashore from a plane crash. I pick them up, examine them for meaning. But no possible puzzle combinations seem to fit, or make sense.

Work's stressing me out. Which is a good sign, in my mind. This means I'm busy, and getting back into a groove I used to inhabit. I know it shouldn't but work does really define me. It keeps me in line. Makes me participate.
it gets me lying sideways
Black storm clouds rolled in last night. The air turned cool, and rain soaked the ground for 3 hours. I splashed through puddles on my way to the airport to see someone off safely. I watched the jet taxi out, then take off, leaving nothing but white showers of mist behind it. Those turbines made reluctant water move as if it were on fire. I thought about my camera. I thought about a lot of things, my face on one side of the window, rain drops on the other.

I wanted to be on that jet, too. I just don't know where I'd end up.


She's In It For The Money - Matthew Good.

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what could I tell you that wouldn't just scare you? Thursday, August 06, 2009 |

Listening to Hawksley Workman, cycling through the old stuff I've never heard and the usual stuff I adore. What a man. Had a sweet little dream about him last night. What a man.

But anyway, I took the afternoon off to ramp up for my On Call work thing that starts tomorrow. I was also extremely cranky this morning, and felt that I should not be in the office before I wig out on someone for no good reason. Mostly, I'm just tired from last night. I woke up every hour, maybe getting about 20 minutes out of each hour actually sleeping. It sucked.

So, nap time this afternoon.

If I've been clear at all in my past few posts, I am absolutely obsessed with eye makeup right now. I came across this girl that does videos on Youtube for tutorials and tips, that sort of thing. Very useful and handy. And it's nice to see someone not afraid to use a lot of kickass colour. So if you're into it, her blog is here where you will find links to her Twitter and Youtube action.
http://www.vintageortacky.com

My link action hasn't been so hot lately, not sure why. I blame Blogger, personally. That will be something that will be addressed at the new site (whenever it gets finished...I have a hard time deciding on stuff!).

Chapters finally came through and a lot of new books were delivered today, along with a Yoga/Pilates dvd set I had ordered (in a fit of insanity) while in the Arctic...even though they had already sent me the set back before I moved here. So, two sets of dvds that I never, ever use. *sigh* Wish it could be like...two copies of a fabulous book or something.

In any event, the new books I have are awesome. I am going to read one until I get sleepy for a nap this afternoon. The problem will be trying to figure out which one goes first.

Decisions, decisions...

What Could I Tell You - Hawksley Workman

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the Glass Onion Band and Anne and Dave
It's been over a month since I've been home from my awesome Ireland trip. Feels like ages ago I was taking a ferry back from Inishbofin with Irish rockstars and my best, true friend Anne.

I guess I've been thinking about the trip a lot lately, more in terms of housing, obtaining a Visa, how to support myself, etc. Just a few thoughts to file away for future ideas.

My lover just left and I'm eating a bowl of dark red Bing cherries, sitting in front of my laptop, my long fingernails are making tapping noises on the keyboard but I'm not overly sure if what I am thinking is translating to the page. A learning process. I pushed past my boundaries and basically told him what was bothering me. And it feels we cleared the air.

While I'd like to think we are adults, I am hoping there is no fall-out from this discussion. Just a thought.

Back to the cherries, and then some sleep time. It's way past.
night, sweet cherries.