You’re holding her hand…
I know I’ve only just gotten back from a month long vacation, and in fact have only been living in current location for less than 3 months, but my need to plan things out past one year has kicked in again.

I blame the not-being-on-vacation melancholy. Yes, I am bringing that up again.

Regardless, I’ve been looking at Grad schools and have come up with a tidy little list of which to apply to. I’ve started looking early because I know I’ll leave it to the last moment and turn in a terrible application. Those statements of purpose really, really kick me in the junk with respect to what I want to say, and what I actually put down on paper. This is mostly because I am lazy, not unable. Lame, I know.

The plan is to apply to attend the Fall of 2010, at which point I will have been here for over a year and will decide on whether or not I want to stay in this particular community and job, or if I want to head somewhere else (I mean, after I finish school). Currently, I’m really leaning towards Dalhousie University. It sounds amazing.

Joy in small places today and yesterday:
- it’s Friday!
- Yesterday was taco day in the cafeteria, which was cool.
- Pay day today, meaning potato chips for snacks tonight.
- It’s almost lunch time, and we are all going to a restaurant.
- Hawksley is playing in Alberta next week. I am contemplating attending despite the promised 12 hour drive to venue.
- I'm picking up a 6 pack of Guiness after work to swill in the privacy of my own home.
- Pay day also means grocery shopping, and cherries have arrived...woo.
- Even though I want to sleep in for the next two days, I have plans to meet up with new friends for frivilous garage-sale-ing and fish and chips at Fishermen's Wharf (an actual wharf with vendors).

Lots to get done this weekend, I think. I need to prepare the packages of presents I bought for the family, so they can be mailed off sometime next week (have to hunt around for right sized boxes). Clean the one last room that Bailey has messed up in the house (seriously, I'm not just blaming the dog). Groceries. Maybe a barbecue tank (not sure because I might blow myself up hooking it up). Small household things that I need to get a move on.

I had a fire going on Canada Day, while I was reading on the couch. It was nice. But I think I miss my television now. *grin*

I'm tired, but don't feel like going to bed. I want to keep reading a book I've read before, on the couch in the living room, covered with an Indian print sheet of fabric I picked up in Galway. The quiet cleanliness of the living area and the sound of a light rain pattering on the poplar leaves outside is a balm on what ails me.

I don't really know what ails me. Nothing new, I suppose.

Cigarettes I light, burn too quickly in the ashtray. There isn't enough time from when I wake up to going back to bed to fit in all the leisure activities I want to indulge in. I guess this is where the wish to be independently wealthy comes in.

Grateful for joy in small places.
- I still have a carton of 'Irish' cigarettes left in the freezer.
- there was no ring on his left hand.
- my washing machine works perfectly.
- the water that comes out of the faucet is hot and ready.
- Matt gave us a preview of a track from upcoming album on his website.
- my living room is unpacked and I have a new reading perch.
- the wind billows the dining room curtains in a quiet wispy way.
- the rain.
- I have 14 new-to-me movies to get through.
- Bailey is starting to forgive me.
- my laptop still plays music to me, like a lover.
- I bought a new copy of Micheal Clayton and have watched it 3 times since I got home.

Above photo was taken shortly before we left Inishbofin to get back to mainland in Ireland. I lagged behind, smoking and taking photos. Thinking to myself. Lighting more cigarettes.

I'm told one will be in a funk after a vacation. While feeling not too bad, there are small periods of melancholy that sneak in. I take this to be normal. For me, anyhow. I catch myself planning another big move and mentally tell myself to stop, enjoy the current location as it's only been a couple of months and everything is good here (so far). I feel like a shark that can't stop moving.

I feel like I could like the taste of blood.

Labels: depression, joy in small places, melancholy, settling, settling in

there's something in the way you move...
I'm back home now, in the Northwest Territories of Canada. The trees burst into green flame while I was away, everything seems to be the same colour as it was in Ireland, minus the almost carnal colours of the blossoms and blooms that entranced me. But there's a lot to be said for velvet greenery, in any case.

As for me and my house, it is not in order. I came home to the quiet chaos I ordinarily live with and when confronted with that, as compared to how other people live, I cringed and shut the door behind me. Surveying the mess, I decide to put off any cleaning duties minus laundry until the weekend, when I can dedicate a day or two to it. A piece of furniture appeared in my absence, it will house my collectibles nicely.

Sometimes, I think I ought to do the dishes daily, and sweep, dust and complete a multitude of household tasks that normal people do. But then I think, screw it. I can live with dust and a few dirty dishes. It just takes a little getting used to, when I came home this time.

Bailey, one of the furry loves of my life, was happy to hear my voice and we just hung around last night watching Michael Clayton and eating Big Macs (he likes the pickles and I had to bring the McD food in from Yellowknife). I slept in my own bed (of 2 months) and liked it. I guess I like it, enough.

But, in my little bruised up purple coloured heart, I miss Galway. I mostly miss the people, maybe. Not sure. I just feel sad about having to leave and come back. I'm not used to that bit. Usually I am glad to see the last of one place and return and/or go back to another place. Remember with me, it's usually about the journey, not the destination.

I dreamnt last night that I saw you...
But I feel as though I really clicked with that place. My footsteps on cobbled stone and tiny doorways where I was constantly banging my elbows and knees. Ireland felt too small for me but I somehow shrank and it seemed to fit.

In any event, I also went to Scotland for a short trip. A sort of pilgrimage to where my father's people came from. The house is still there, ruins of it. But that's where my father's family originated. For the longest time, being a Native Canadian, a First Nations person, I used to long for a place where I could go that part of me came from. I didn't know of this family history until a few years ago, and since then had wanted to go there, touch the stones and feel it.

So, I did.



Champions of Nothing - Matthew Good
A Single Spark Explosion - Matthew Good

Labels: Galway, Ireland, Scotland, travelling

In Ireland. It really is as green as you would imagine it. I take photos, and agonize over which ones to post to Flickr and gab on about. I've trawled shops and acquired many new things to drape over my body and adorn my face. I even went on a tour bus to check out Irish countryside.

I'm in new Brand heaven, almost overwhelmed with the choice of different kinds of cheese and what to drink in the grocery stores. I don't particularly care for chocolate but seem to be eating a lot of it. Galaxy bars seem to be the fave, so far.

I'm having a great time talking with my old best friend from High school. She's getting cozy in her nest, awaiting the birth of her first child with her awesome husband (who I really dig because he's himself, no matter what). I wish all of mine could be so happy.

Above shot was taken in Connemarra. I wanted to stop and pet the sheep but they probably wouldn't have liked me anyhow. They reminded me of Bailey.



I'm aware I post a lot of photos of myself. Quite the opposite of early journal days. But here's another, taken in a little Mexican restaurant a couple of days ago. My awesome new 70's style sunglasses and air of aloofness that I am eager to break. Aloofness, not sunglasses. I like this photo. I feel pretty when I look at it.

I'm a little awed by the Chanel mascara sample (something I covet but would never pay for) and the little things I pick out in tiny shops all over the place. Indian print fabrics, jangly bracelets and a huge moonstone ring to grace my ring finger on the left hand. Scarves of many colours and some shoes that punished my feet for the past few days but in the face of fashion (and how awesome the shoes are) I wear, still.

All in all, it's been great here so far. I would consider moving here (why not?) as it's a good a place as any. But who knows what the future holds for the next big move. Here I am, barely settled into Hay River, and already planning my next jump. I just need to relax for a little while. In 3 months I'll be ready to start planning.

In any event, must get going. It's bed time here and a new friend is taking my to the Cliffs of Moher tomorrow morning. Can't wait.

Also, a short trip to Scotland on the 17th to see where my father's people come from. Exciting, exciting.

Sleep tight, dear ones.


even here, you cross my mind like a breeze. Happy belated Birthday.

Labels: Ireland, photographs, photography, pictures, travelling

hold my hand...until the morning
It's T minus 3 hours to lift off from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. I'm sitting in my hotel room, interneting. Reading National papers and listening to music. Just enjoying the alone time that I covet so much (although I have tons of it, I always want more).

I packed very light. I have a small hot pink hardcase piece of luggage and my backpack which I carry on. Much of my stuff is scattered around the hotel room like a timeline, which pieces of clothing I've worn over the past week. Eyedrops, makeup and headphones spilling out of the drawer beside the bed.

I was wide awake at 8 this morning. Now I feel like I could nap peacefully for an hour. But I'll hold off so I can rest on the plane. I think the ride from Edmonton to Toronto is about 4 hours, long enough for a nap and various other activities.

I just have to repack things tightly into my bag and away I go onto the next bit of travelling. I'm looking forward to spending time with part of my family in London for a couple of days before heading to Ireland on Tuesday.

I'll keep updating while I'm away, I think. I'm also trying to figure out a way to get to Scotland on a short trip to see the family 'ruins'. Timing will be tight but I think it can be done.

Pictures of Scottish moors....wooo!!




Stop Joking Around - Hawksley Workman.

I'm in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories sitting in the tiniest hotel room I've ever seen. I keep bumping into furniture to get to the bathroom. I'm not used to making little curving motions when moving. As if I'm am driving my body like a car around sharp corners.

I turned 33 the other day. Someone got a cake, sang the song (which I hate) and we all consumed sugary goodness for a few minutes while discussing travel plans and various other topics that came to mind. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

In other news, I've begun the first leg of my 'vacation'. I spend a week in Yellowknife for work related duties, then fly to Toronto from here on Saturday. Not soon enough, in my mind, but we all have to complete these things in order to move to the next level.

I feel terrible for leaving Bailey while I'm away. That's the thing with owning animals...one must remember that when getting another. So he's at the house, sleeping in our bed and probably wondering why some old guy is taking him outside and not me.

The photo above is something I took while on a mini hike near Alexandria Falls. There are poplars here and they smell so good in the spring.

it's Spring!!!

I feel like my eyeballs are drenched in code. Swimming little quotation marks, back slashes and the pointy bracket symbols. All swirling around up there above my eyes.

I forgot to set my alarm last night. I awoke at 7:30 and scrambled, running around trying to figure out which activity I had to forego in order to make it to work on time. Coffee? Nope, kind of need that at this point? Makeup? Yup, I can live without black eyeliner for one day. Selecting awesome outfit? Yup, t-shirt and jeans today pulled randomly from closet. Half hour wake up call on the internet? Nope, I need to read the bare bones of online versions of the CBC and newspapers before I get out of bed. It’s just a habit. Makes me feel like I’m still ‘with it’ down South.

So, coffee steeping, taking the dog outside for his morning constitutional and frantically putting all ‘morning’ must haves in a priority list in my head, I was able to get to work.

5 minutes early.

In other news, Bailey has Kennel Cough. This must be the 3rd time he’s gotten it since I adopted him almost a year ago. I find it odd he gets this but is never in contact with any other dogs, so I’m not sure where he picks it up. He’s getting better now, but for the past week or so he’s been honking every hour, waking me up in the middle of the night. Lots of water and a few extra treats seem to make him feel less of a moron. Although really, you’d have to ask him.

Slowly mentally preparing for impending trip overseas. I’ll be spending all of next week in Yellowknife on some work business, then flying straight to Toronto from there to spend a couple of days with my nephews. I leave for Ireland on the 2nd. All that comes to mind is climbing in and out of airplanes. Weird how my mind organizes things.

The photo above is my darling Buckley and fluffy Beebs at my parents house. Taken by Number 4. On one hand, I want to bring those two to live with me here but I’m not sure how long I will stay…so, it’s hard to decide. Traveling would be rough on them both, and even though I’ve dragged Beebs all over Ontario, I feel it would be terrible to drag her to the other side of the country. Decisions, decisions.

365 posts.

I bought limes a week or so ago, thinking they would be good to have on hand for those many, many gin and tonics I scarf back. The joke being that even when I have all the makings around, I don't seem to want it as bad as when I don't (see various entries from months ago bemoaning the fact I did not have access).

I just seem to want things I don't have. Doesn't really seem to matter if I'll have them in the future, I'm very oriented in the mode of present time. Take this trip to Ireland. I wanted it, so I bought it. Actually going through with it is surprising me because the time flew by and here we are, a couple of weeks away from lift-off.

Not afraid to go, just surprised that it's almost time. I guess I'm more used to making plans, not so much in following through. Buying the limes, but not making the drink.

Came home tonight. Jumped in the shower, making it hot as I could handle. Listening to The Tragically Hip tell me about a small northern Ontario town. I'm a little homesick for my family. I often feel the urge to go and hide under my mother's bed when I'm sick. The teeth issue is no different. As though she could save me.

But the hot shower is almost enough to make me feel better. Water and skin. Just. It's cold here. The driving snow started just after 4 this afternoon. I leave little messages for Hawksley to return home all over the place.


Moon Over Marin - Matthew Good (Dead Kennedys' cover)

Labels: homesick, new

I'm not afraid of a lot of things. Things that most people are afraid of, I figure I will weather through like everything else gone wrong in my life. For instance, I'm not afraid of moving to new towns where I know no one. I'm not afraid of heights, water, snakes or bugs. I'm not afraid of being alone, or dying alone. I'm not afraid of death or being left by a lover. Nor flying, or of medical doctors, new people or new experiences.

But I am afraid of the dentist. Horrible childhood experiences left me the gift of fear of the person who roots around in your mouth with sharp instruments and ear-cringing hand drills. I mean, it's bad. I have to take anti-anxiety medication before I go, and have the gas to make me compliant. Although, sedation is ideal.

I went to the dentist today. This is probably my 3rd visit since moving here about a month ago. The first two visits were just to scope out the dentist and get a consult. I haven't heard great things about this dentist but desperately needed work done before I could even think about going overseas in June. I pictured abscessed teeth and falling out teeth while on vacation, and I would have hated for that to happen. Especially when I am supposed to be like...enjoying myself in Ireland.

So, biting the bullet so to speak, I went in this morning prepared for a root canal. With the aid of Ativan (so fucking handy, that drug). Physically shaking in the dentist's chair, and ear phones clamped in my ears listening to soothing favourite music, I had the procedure done.

And this is what I looked like when I got home.



Like something from The Grudge. I have no makeup on, and haven't really brushed my hair. I basically got out of bed, brushed my teeth and got dressed then went to the dentist. But my smile! So crooked, more than usual. And that droopy lip!

It made me laugh (in part because it's funny, and also because I had survived the dentist visit in one piece, less one nerve), so I decided to post it here for your giggling pleasure.

Stare in my glassy eyes and at my crooked smile and tell me that it's all alright.
*grin*

Labels: dentist, numb, teeth

Bad things can happen when you cut your own hair. I've learned this, but not really the hard way. Not yet. When I'm wearing my bangs short, I generally cut them myself. I used to be really, really good at it, too.

Then I moved to the North, and let my hair grow out from the short bob cut I decided to indulge in in December, 2007. I still don't really know what I was thinking. I'm obviously a long hair kind of girl. In any event, I decide to cut bangs super short, ala Bettie Paige in December, 2008. So I do. And I guess I like them. But they just don't seem to quite look like the way they used to.

So, I wonder. Is it my hair, all frizzed out from super dry condition in the Arctic? Had my preferred hair cut been outgrown by my ever expanding face? Or did I just fuck it up and cut too much?

These things I ponder while I look around for a good pair of scissors and think about how I need to cut hair again since I've moved into my new place. They are getting too long, and are uneven from my last hasty cut (but I live in the northern wilderness so I figured...who cares??) and I want to look nice. I mean, *now* I want to look nice. (I saw a guy the other day who was wearing the most perfect pair of pants, ala Stuart Chatwood in below video screen shot).



It's about the pants, really. Not Chats (this time). The photo is grainy, but you get the general idea about the pants. Anyway, this guy I saw had on a great pair of pants. Pants, pants, pants. I might be a little fixated.

Soooo...I am contemplating my next pair of scissors, and wondering how to get this right. I *could* go to a salon, but seems so silly to pay kind of a lot of cash for a simple little trim.

Why can't I have my old hair back??



How on earth did I cut them so perfectly before???
Stupid girl questions, I swear to god.

Labels: cutting hair, girl stuff, hair, haircut, pants

A little man, hanging.

So much on my mind lately, it's all crammed in there like old newspapers in a cardboard box. Things you don't need but can't throw away. I'm leaving for Ireland in less than a month, something I've planned about 6 months ago. My spur of the moment purchase is coming and I'm looking forward to flying internationally. More airports to park my ass in. Can't wait to complain. A 6 hour flight full of gin and tonics, a couple of books and music.

Also, I've be able to link up a couple of flights from my current location to stop off and see my nephews and sister in London before I head to Ireland. And I have the option of meeting up with Craig in Philadelphia for a quick chat during a layover there (if checking in and out of security won't take too long).

Mostly though, I've been missing my family. I heard a song on the radio this morning that will always remind me of my brother-in-law. My sister and I were visiting in her kitchen and he was down in the basement, working on finishing it. I could hear the radio, and singing. Singing always makes me happy. I ask her: Is that Steve singing? She says no, he wouldn't sing.

Turns out he was. oh what you mean to meeee.... I have no idea who sings that song or what it's called but it's a Top 40 sort of thing and his voice was so clean. So that made me miss them this morning.

I wake up, have some coffee and feel good. It feels right here. Like I did something right. I am almost wondering how long that feeling will last, but a part of me tells me to shut up and just go with it. I haven't had a bad mood since I got here. So weird.

My highschool best friend and I have been emailing back and forth like crazy for the past couple of days. She's who I will stay with in Ireland. I ask her questions about internet access and cigarette prices. You'd think I'd be asking about vacation hot spots and tourist-y things, but nope...just concerned about getting the smoke issue settled. I want purple Silk Cut cigarettes but also want some of my own from Canada. Picky, picky.

I'll pack light. I spend a week in Yellowknife just before heading to Toronto to begin the Ireland trip, so I have to be a bit conscious of what I take with me. I'm worried because most of my pants are falling down despite the belt taken in to it's last notch, I don't really want to spend a lot before I actually leave the country.

Arg, blah blah blah.

The weather is warm today, the wind a tad chilly. I'm going to go home tonight and watch the last few episodes of Dexter season 3 (YAY!) and eat some cold watermelon. My phone, a little clamshell on the table beside me.

Bear with me if I've posted this photo before. I forget these things, you know. Especially since this journal is so long-running.

And the photo is sort of how I'm feeling today. Not in a bad way. Just in a clear eyed sort of way.
The weather is finally warming up here, and I'm finding my morning coffee ritual soothing and something I look forward to before I open my eyes while I'm lying there in that still unfamiliar bed. I will get used to it eventually, and you ought to know by now that I'm used to unfamiliar beds the way one is used to their own. Sometime it will be my own.

The water boils while I'm grinding coffee beans, smelling that rich scent that floats upwards and out. Bailey is waiting patiently for me to finish so he can go outside and check out the new smells of the melting ground. The coffee steeps while I'm outside with Bailey. I smell the poplar trees running with sap. I love poplar trees. So scenty. Then we come back inside and he eats his breakfast while I'm standing in the kitchen making my first cup and (still) marvelling at the simplicity of the coffee press.

Afterwards, I head back to the bedroom, surf the internet while I put on makeup or decide on an outfit. Start the car, go outside, and slip into it like a foot into a shoe, choose a cd and off I go to work.

Ugh.

Having one of those "I can't believe I slept with that guy" moments.

Drove to a little town called High Level this past weekend. It's in Alberta. I've never been. I like crossing borders. Makes me feel as though I'm doing something totally different even though there's no real line separating one province from another. But according to everyone, there is a difference. Suddenly I'm meeting up with cars that have different license plates than I do, little red ones. Mine is in the shape of a polar bear. Not by choice, just what they happen to issue way up here.

I've had a great week so far. Things seem to be falling into place. I'm back in the cockpit of a car, with all of my music at my fingertips, or on shiny little discs that I have a fondness for making.

And now, I'm sitting in my bedroom listening to and searching for little covers of great songs that I adore. Live cuts, rare releases. It's like how I imagine crack cocaine to be. Lou Reed is in the background.

Bailey is in the other room, sometimes he gets stuck on the other side of the house not able to see how to make it back to wherever I am. I check my mailbox every day. I make coffee with my little french press, fresh ground beans (still working on the art of grinding) and slip into my makeup and clean clothes every crisp frosty morning. I feel like I'm living a real life again. One filled with the minutia I've missed from my London days.

But I look at the clock now and see it's time for the evening movie. And I just noticed that I have about 4 different versions of Sweet Jane. Also, for some reason...I have always felt Lou Reed could be a genius but he is a little...creepy.

:)

Labels: home improvement, music, new, new home, Northwest Territories

Found a place to live.

A trailer/house off the highway near the river just outside of town. Quiet, remote and surrounded by trees. A couple of bedrooms, a woodstove and an enclosed sun porch. Just what the doctor ordered. Although, truth be told, the kitchen is a scary eyesore. I might slap some paint on the cupboards just to brighten it up. It is totally 1960's trailer trash kitchen except for the appliances. But I can deal.

Movers dropped off *most* of my stuff yesterday, my television and a couple of bags missing (but apparently found and will be delivered later this week). Then this morning, I checked out of the hotel, dropped the rest of my things (luggage, etc) and Bailey off at the new house before hiking it back into town in time for work.

I have to tell you I'm already exhausted.

I don't have a car yet, the cab fare is about 30 dollars roundtrip, so I'm feeling a bit anxious about that. I still need some basic things for the house but am so tired and frazzled that they will have to wait until I have more time and inclination to get it all done.

Work seems good, I really like the people so far. Only39 days until the Ireland trip, then a long summer here in the Northwest Territories. I will try fishing again. As long as I don't have to kill what I catch.

Gotta run.
I am sure there is something else I forgot to do.
Email me, call me, text me.
Don't forget about me.