I leave little messages for you here
I'm not at the point yet, of lighting one cigarette off the end of another. But getting close. Seems all I'm doing lately is smoking. In the car, half smokes because the rides are so short. Or I get bored during break time so I don't finish a full cigarette. Maybe it's making things bleak in my round world, not sure. I broke the new iPod dock already.

I bought a beautiful sky blue couch at a yardsale on the weekend. But it won't go into the tiny doors of the trailer (yes, I live in a trailer) other than the main doors. It will go through the backdoor, but that's on the other side of the house. So it's making my front porch quite homey for the time being. At least, until I can hire someone to move it for me.

Heartache shine a light...down on me tonight
I woke up alone for the first time in a little while, it made me feel disoriented. But I eventually kicked that lame feeling out of my head and remembered that I enjoy waking up to an empty bed. Just seemed...odd, at first. But I was so cranky yesterday that I suspect I wasn't all that successful in pretending I didn't care that he left in the middle of the night, not waking me because he knows sleep is precious. But I guess I couldn't help but feel a tad disgruntled.



Photos I took years ago are popping into my mind. Not in relation to what I'm feeling, they just appear like debris on a beach, washing ashore from a plane crash. I pick them up, examine them for meaning. But no possible puzzle combinations seem to fit, or make sense.

Work's stressing me out. Which is a good sign, in my mind. This means I'm busy, and getting back into a groove I used to inhabit. I know it shouldn't but work does really define me. It keeps me in line. Makes me participate.
it gets me lying sideways
Black storm clouds rolled in last night. The air turned cool, and rain soaked the ground for 3 hours. I splashed through puddles on my way to the airport to see someone off safely. I watched the jet taxi out, then take off, leaving nothing but white showers of mist behind it. Those turbines made reluctant water move as if it were on fire. I thought about my camera. I thought about a lot of things, my face on one side of the window, rain drops on the other.

I wanted to be on that jet, too. I just don't know where I'd end up.


She's In It For The Money - Matthew Good.

Labels: abstract thought, Apostle, running, settling, smoking

Hear me out...

I still care for you...
Don't ask. I'll tell. I guess I always tell.

keep having this dream, in the night where it seems I can fly, but only when no one's around.
I was driving somewhere yesterday, caught sight of someone who looked so familiar that it went straight to my stomach and sat there like a happy little present. It gave me a little glow that faded by the time I lit my next cigarette. But things like that always bring stuff to the front of my mind. It mingles there with my Day Planner, my Post-it notes, and my endless cups of coffee that fuel my working day. In among all of the other names, and possibilities that are thrown my way (increasingly so, lately), you're still there.
Can't you see what you mean to me?
I know it's lame. But there it is. Again.

I write this in a moment of weakness. My defenses are down. My mouth still frozen and swollen from the dentist. My eye makeup is perfect But my eyes are glassy. I'm bruised and in some pain physically and that makes it easier for emotion to sneak in.

I keep having this thought that you don't even exist and I just made you up.
I'm aware that this is completely in the abstract, that I've most likely constructed a golem of you in my mind. And that I don't know you anymore. A figure of plaster and paint and mud, wearing the bright blue that grace the statues of the Virgin Mary's. Something someone puts on their dashboard. In hope. But I don't have any hope with your statue. It's more like a keepsake. A reminder of something that flared up so briefly in my bruised up little heart all those years ago that made a lasting sore there that aches every so often.

So, I'll take these thoughts to bed with me, under the covers with a flashlight.

Click on. Click off.





I Still Care For You - Ray Lamontagne
Becky, I Keep Singing This Song - Hey Rosetta!

Labels: abstract thought, Apostle, dentist, emotion, Hey Rosetta, how not to be an idiot, lyrics, music, Ray Lamontagne, The Apostle