Making plans. They fall together like loosely knitted stitches on a hand made scarf. Warm and wooly, for the winter. This pleases me.

I type this in my soon to be non-bedroom. Meaning, I've been offered a new job, back home in Ontario. Well, not really 'back home' but given the amount of traveling I've done the past couple of years for work, to go back to my home province to work is like going back home (in my mind). The job itself is a step up in level and responsibility, as well as something I've always wanted to be involved in. And it's in my chosen field.

For the first time as an adult, I'll be living in the same city as my father and my youngest sister. I'm looking forward to the piano lessons I will take, as well as the guitar lessons I will squeeze out of my dad :)

Just a couple of weeks to go here in Hay River, then it's a jump into the cockpit of my car and away I go...onto the ever bidding highway of my life.


Can't wait to see what happens next.

Labels: life experience, moving, new job, travelling, work

Listening to Hawksley Workman, cycling through the old stuff I've never heard and the usual stuff I adore. What a man. Had a sweet little dream about him last night. What a man.

But anyway, I took the afternoon off to ramp up for my On Call work thing that starts tomorrow. I was also extremely cranky this morning, and felt that I should not be in the office before I wig out on someone for no good reason. Mostly, I'm just tired from last night. I woke up every hour, maybe getting about 20 minutes out of each hour actually sleeping. It sucked.

So, nap time this afternoon.

If I've been clear at all in my past few posts, I am absolutely obsessed with eye makeup right now. I came across this girl that does videos on Youtube for tutorials and tips, that sort of thing. Very useful and handy. And it's nice to see someone not afraid to use a lot of kickass colour. So if you're into it, her blog is here where you will find links to her Twitter and Youtube action.
http://www.vintageortacky.com

My link action hasn't been so hot lately, not sure why. I blame Blogger, personally. That will be something that will be addressed at the new site (whenever it gets finished...I have a hard time deciding on stuff!).

Chapters finally came through and a lot of new books were delivered today, along with a Yoga/Pilates dvd set I had ordered (in a fit of insanity) while in the Arctic...even though they had already sent me the set back before I moved here. So, two sets of dvds that I never, ever use. *sigh* Wish it could be like...two copies of a fabulous book or something.

In any event, the new books I have are awesome. I am going to read one until I get sleepy for a nap this afternoon. The problem will be trying to figure out which one goes first.

Decisions, decisions...

What Could I Tell You - Hawksley Workman

Labels: books, dvds, eye makeup, hawksley, hawksley workman, makeup, music, reading, work

Now that I am in my right mind, I can write an ordinary sort of post and not that nonsense of the last one. But since I never edit posts...it's up to me to leave it up. Punishment for my own indulgence in silly, silly affairs of the heart that I should have grown out of a long, long time ago.

As for the subject line, I shouldn't say soon. It could be long time in the making and god knows I change my mind often enough. But keep your eyes peeled on this page. Something is going to show up eventually and it's going to be kickass. I promise.

Just wanted to pop over here really quick and update (like I used to, daily). I have a guilty confession to make. I spent the entire day on the internet. And I mean, since I woke up until I am about to log off to try to sleep because I need to be up by 5:30.

Nuts, I know. Crazy, hells yeah. But I've been pretty absent from the internet for a few days and I like to keep in touch with everyone and everything, so I sat down for a serious session today. Got a lot done, too. Some writing. Photo editing. Made up a photobook to get printed at some point. Mostly when I feel less guilty for blowing almost 300 dollars at Amazon.com the other day, and then another 100 at Sephora.com today. But it's been awhile since I've indulged (Ireland doesn't count in this equation as I mostly bought stuff for other people). So new makeup and the entire series of The Wire will be arriving for me soon.

I wish I could say that I am more excited about the dvds, but in all honesty...I wish I had the television with which to see them better with. Insurance still hasn't gotten around to figuring out my claim and so I watch everything on my laptop. Which is fine. But...I kinda wanted to watch The Wire on a big screen.

Other news: I'm going to figure out how to make my own stretchers and stretch my own canvas if it kills me. I'm not the most dexterous person when it comes to assembling wooden things, but I'm determined. If the hardware store was open today, I would have had some kind of result by now, but nope. Must wait for more time off, even though technically I was working this weekend. I have more canvas ready to be stretched/gesso-ed bought from the hardware store the other day, so it's all in motion.

A photo of my feet, relaxing at the cliff's edge on one of the Aran Islands in Ireland.


Time for sleep. It's midnight here. I'm kind of jumpy, because I keep waiting for my beeper to go off. But I'll try for sleep in any case. I am totally liking where I am right now. The inspiration is pouring in for words, colour and photo clicks.

Stay with me, baby. I'll wake you when the telephone rings. It's all just nonsense, anyway.
Love,
Gish.

Labels: inspiration, painting, photography, sleep, work, writing

I've been listening to specific songs on repeat, again. Today, the flavour seems to be The Twilight Singers, and old favourite. The track is 'Number 9'. I can't get it out of my head. Although, to be fair, the best way I suppose would be to listen to something else. But I can't. Listening to what I actually want to listen to when I want to, is something akin to having a nice cool drink of water on a very hot day. It's just that good.

And even though I am supposed to be working (at my real job), I seem to find it necessary to update (twice in the same day). It just comes on whenever it wants to. If I were smart, I'd be updating regularly instead of so few and far in between. It comes from the feeling that I have nothing interesting to say (as opposed to right now, right??) and my laziness to pack up the modem every day after work and set it up at home.

I'm reading Joe Hill's Heart Shaped Box and loving it. Fantastic writer. It's a scary story and I'm giving myself the creeps by reading it when I live alone in the freaking Arctic. I should be smarter (but I'm not).

It's -26 today with the windchill. My truck is broken again and I don't want to eat the leftovers of the Hamburger Helper crap I made for dinner last night, tonight.

I also don't know if I'll be on a plane tomorrow morning, to go to a little town above Hall Beach (check your maps, people) for work-related junk, and probably won't know until tonight. I guess that means I ought to pack a bag. But don't they know that I need to bring my laptop, camera, books, dvds and various things ALONG with my clothing and work gear? Guess not. I kind of need more than a few hours notice for these things.

I'm also exhausted. I was fine this morning but since 11 or so, I feel like I've been run over by a truck and I just want to head straight for bed when I leave the office. No fooling around with food for dinner, no CSI reruns on dvd, no lazy hot bath...none of that. I just want the bliss of unconsciousness for at least 9 hours (yeah right). I'll be lucky if I get 5. Insomnia is still my closest friend.

Hrmm...see how much junk I can type out if given the right motivation at the right time?
Later, sweet beauties....
G.

Number 9 - The Twilight Singers

Labels: Arctic, Arctic Circle, songs on repeat, The Twilight Singers, work

I keep getting hit in the head by lines from different songs I'm listening to. They stick in my head, I use them for titles of blog entries, or for memory joggers in my day planner. People are going to think I'm seriously demented. If my stuff were to be examined by CSI, they'd never figure out who offed me...too much cross contamination of evidence.

Work is gonzo. Interesting developments that keep me intrigued, listening at the door for more information. Suddenly, I'm more interested in what's going on than I am in what I'll be making for dinner. And we all know food consumes me. Most days. It looks like I could be bouncing between two communities for work related issues, which will a.) increase the amount of air miles I collect and b.) change up scenery for my brain. So it might not be such a bad thing.

My parka arrived the other day. It's called the Resolute parka. It's by Canada Goose and a maroon colour. It's actually quite nice. And warm. I never thought they made coats so warm. I can tell that I will be toasty all winter, even in the -50 weather that's expected in December/January.

an old photo from a couple of years ago.

I got a few things in the mail yesterday. Mail day for me is always fun. I like getting stuff, even if it's pretty useless. A Chapters card came in, the Hawksley Workman album I won on Facebook, and a book by an author I thought I would try out (so far, it's pretty darn good).

Hawksley's new album is called Los Manlicious. I'm only on the 5th song and it's awesome. Reminiscent of (last night) We Were the Delicious Wolves. So snarky, nutty, cabaret-ish. It's really great. I can tell this will be an album I will listen to a lot. Very loud. It sound kind of European, if that makes any sense. It's really great to get excited about music again.

I did take a couple of new pictures lately. The problem is getting them uploaded to Flickr since I don't have an internet connection at home (well, I do if I take the modem home with me) and most nights I just leave it at work since it's easier. But I'll probably start taking it home more often just to stay caught up on the photo front.

I'm looking forward to my Christmas vacation. I've bought the ticket, planned where I will be and I can't wait for a month and a half to go by so I can be in Ontario and near my nutty family. I also can't wait to see my new nephew who is currently being hot-housed in my sister's belly (at least for another month or so) until he's ready to join us.

Anyhow, time to get back to work. God knows I'll be kept busy over the next little while.

Labels: Arctic, Arctic Circle, family, flying, Gish, hawksley, hawksley workman, holidays, job, music, music opinion, nephews, Nunavut, photographs, vacation, weather, winter, work

WOO,

I know I've been absent lately, mostly due to my new work schedule and the fact that I have to drag myself out of bed at the inhuman hour of 5:45 a.m. in order to get to work on time. But last night, it was due to my being in the presence of Matthew Good at the show in London. Being good sports, my older sister and I were to catch up with Matt afterwards for a quick visit before he went to bed/headed off to Ottawa on the tour bus.

I didn't know what to say, I was tongue tied. And I didn't take any photos of his soft looking socks or tired face as we made small talk. I did however, get some pretty amazing photos during the show, which will be posted at some point (read: whenever I get off my ass and find the USB cable).

He's had a big role in my life the past few months, and it was a shame we didn't go out for dinner as we had originally thought but it was fun nonetheless. I didn't get to sleep until 1:20. I am exhausted, pretending I am the perky person in the office today when really I just want to race home and do a handstand into my bed.

Pictures posted later. Thanks for all the great comments and emails. Keep it coming.
G.

Labels: Matthew Good, sleep, work

This past summer, I've locked my keys in the car. Twice, some kindly stranger saw me struggling and perhaps taking a gander at my large arms, decided to stick their decidedly skinnier arms in through the open window to take a swipe at my keys. The keys would be either dangling from the ignition, or on the passenger side seat.

The other night, I locked them in the car, because I was distracted by my cigarette and the music playing. But really, I may be just saying that because I have no other reason. My mind is constantly elsewhere, and when I am fully 'present' I am still unable to articulate words to questions.

For instance, this afternoon in yet another job interview, I was asked what my idea of Feminism is. Suddenly, I'm at a loss for words to describe this HUGE thing. To me, it's huge, maybe it's even unexplainable because of all the different levels and meanings and ways to subscribe to Feminism. So, that's what I say. Then I say that I think of Feminism as humanistic, that there shouldn't be any assigned roles in Society (meanwhile I'm asking myself in my head, if that's actually true). Then I realise that sounds so familiar, and am able to remember Gloria Steinam's speech from all those years ago....all this while blabbing on about how I can *possibly* practice Social Work from a Feminist standpoint. Which is probably untrue, as I have this thing where I see both sides of every story, no matter what. Which then leads me to sit on the fence on most important issues because I can't make a decision either way.

Don't get me wrong, this entry is not about feminism although it's certainly a good subject to discuss. But damn, if I couldn't answer that question without sounding like some fruit fly off the street that didn't spend four (4!!) years studying Social Work.

Arg.

I can't write love songs on these things....
I know what it is. It's the events of the past 6 months that have taken siege over my brain cells and turned them into moosh. I used to be absent-minded...now I think, I'm just plain absent.

So, I keep losing my keys. I forget what I'm talking about in the middle of a sentence. I also forget that I was going to take Buckley for a walk, 4 hours past dark. My sister is constantly reminding me that Matthew Good will be in London in about 2 weeks (I keep thinking the show is about 4 months away, because that's how everything feels....about 4 months away).

Also, my younger sister who just started University, I am on the phone with her and I know we used to have good, laughing conversations filled with jokes, insider information and what ever else...but now I'm just kind of quiet. I can't think of anything funny to say.

Nothing to be done about it, unless there is such a thing as mental exercises, which sound like too much work. So, I will just wait patiently for the time when I will be just plain distracted as opposed to 'all the lights are on but no one is home' sort of gal.

Oh, let me know if I've forgotten to mention anything.

Hospital Music song (I forget which!) - Matthew Good.

Labels: bipolar, family, forgetfullness, forgot, theory, work

I was central. I had control. I lost my head.
Dvd's scattered all over my bed, things I've watched over the past week. I usually fall asleep with something playing, my glasses still on. A pharmaceutical lullaby.

3 or 4 years ago, I was intent on achieving and owning anything and everything I thought I wanted. I bought a house, had a steady and reliable social work-esqe kind of job, some family in the same town I lived in. A stereo system, surround sound blah blah blah. I even rejoiced in buying a hammock for my backyard, where I planned to lay in whilst looking at the cherry tree blossoms floating around me.

Instead, I spent all available time working because I thought that made me a better worker. That led to not my being able to spend any time in the house I lovingly chose out of 4 others. Very little to no time with my family. Leaving the house and coming home when it was dark in all seasons, which meant I had a frozen pizza to eat for dinner while I watched dvd tv, I think it was Millennium at the time. When the Cherry trees did bloom, I managed only a few hours stolen to lie in the hammock reading Hawksley Workman's poetry and talking on the phone. I spent my vacations waiting for the time to come when I could go back to work.

Then I became progressively more sick as time went on.

It's crazy what you coulda had...
Now, having given up or lost every material object I used to hold dear to me, I have this strange and dubious sense of clarity. It's almost like any veil, or pair of sunglasses, blinders I used to fashion for myself have been lost and I feel like doing things that are way beyond any scope of social work or the bare necessities of living that I had ever thought possible.

And I am able to take photographs that remind me of those that are in my life forever. A photograph of my youngest sister and my youngest nephew dancing to invisible music. It's so crazy what I could have had....



Country Feedback - R.E.M

Labels: bipolar, family, Gish, habits, hawksley workman, how not to be an idiot, inspiration, neurotic, photographs, photography, work, writing

Dear Chicago,
sleepful nights in a new place, my sheets are the same. A cracked lightbulb and cool evenings spent on the roof like 3rd Rock From The Sun. I feel like rainbow coloured paint inside my head when I'm trying to write, but the cigarette smoke tastes better than it ever has before.

Hewlitt Packard has my laptop hostage so I make sojourns to welcoming internet spots on my way to other more important places like the coffee store.

Listening to Matthew Good's new album is sharp like jagged edges but feels so good at the same time. In a none-hurting kind of way.

Go to go now.
Love,
Gish

Labels: bipolar, blue pills, coffee, cover songs, Daniel Johnston, Matthew Good, we all lose in the end, work, writing

Out Now
Originally uploaded by Abstract Magdalene.

I'm not a positive person. In that I don't look for silver linings, or rainbows, or expect the best from people. This hinders me in some areas, however it also saves me the crushing disappointment I may suffer as the result of someone's lack of....follow through, if that makes sense.

I've been on the Lam for quite awhile, ignoring both Flickr and my journal, as though they are simply more places I need to report to. But today, the sun is out and it's warm on my skin. I ate an apple this morning during my commute and for some reason, things do feel like they are looking up.

I was applying for a new car, I had decided on a Ford Escape Hybrid, however due to financing issues it's not likely to happen at this point. And right now, I'm ok with it. Earlier this week, my electricity was cut off because my landlord failed to pay his bill. However, the deal was that I would have the bill in my name and make the payments. Genius-guy, however never closed off his account and thus, I was not able to set up my own. Then he just decides to not pay the bill at all, resulting in two nights by candlelight. And thawed groceries in the freezer that had been bought the day before.

I was livid. Now, I've paid the bill *for* him and deducted it from the rent, have the utility in my own name and things are running smoothly again (for the time being). But then my laptop decided to have a fatal error and while it was nice enough to give me time to TRY to get some documents from it (mostly music and my art), it is slowly coming to a stop. The good thing: it's still under warranty. The bad thing: potential loss of my entire music library, and it will take about 3 weeks for the company to ship me the repaired laptop.

I know, when it rains, it pours. Instead of sitting here and being a big baby, I have decided to go to the Island and surprise my mother for Mother's Day. It's a long trip and only over night, but I might as well do something lovely for her.

Work is still work, and I'm still doing it. Buckley was scheduled to meet with a trainer for his bad behaviours this weekend but that will be rescheduled. Unfortunately for him, his neuter surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. *grin* Poor guy.

In the meantime, I've misplaced Mrs. John Cusack (my iPod) and I have to go out and buy a bag I can pack with weekend essentials. I know, I'm the best of the drama bitches. There's more to it than this, I just can't seem to scratch the surface.

Labels: how not to be an idiot, late night, melancholy, music, relationships, work, writing

There’s a manhole in my kitchen
I step around it when I’m reaching into the refrigerator for a bottle of cold water in the mornings. Lemon flavour. I don’t really care that it could be Listerine or maybe Mr. Clean, I just need something to wake up.

We’ll just have to adjust
Ok, I didn’t have any issues with waking up today. It seems I’ve returned to my old routine of waking a few minutes before my alarm. I can tell I’ve been in one spot all night because Buckley is exactly where he was when we fell asleep. Sleeping like rocks. I didn’t know that rocks could get tired. Anything really is possible.

My new office mate is working feverishly on a document. It’s nice to see someone working so hard, not so nice because he doesn’t want any music or other distractions in the background. Which makes it hard for me to concentrate when there is nothing in the office but sounds of tapping keys and muttering from his corner. I even brought a new cd in to put on my work laptop so I could have a variation to the routine of Pete Yorn and Interpol that I’ve been listening to.

Also, I’ve sent out a variety of emails in response to some I received last week. However, my email inbox is now like a dusty old West town. Cobwebs hanging in the doorways, empty cans rolling in the wind. Tumbleweed ghosting by with every new gust of breeze. Not a single email since yesterday. I’m convinced I am the world’s biggest loser, the world’s most unpopular girl, or the world’s loneliest girl. Any way you cut it, it’s kind of lame, which is also annoying. I sent out some interesting emails which I think should garner interesting responses.

But nada thus far.

Instead, I’ve been concentrating on working on my admissions essay for Columbia. To say that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place would be the lamest description to use here, but it’s so true. I just can’t seem to get off my ass and answer the questions. They aren’t hard questions, but they feel like redundant ones. This of course, coming from the girl who thinks she should just be accepted to any school she *looks* at, let alone applies to. I know, I know….the ego of this girl.

In any event, that is what I will be doing in between taking calls from angry clients who insist I never call them back. Even my clients don’t want to hear from me.
*sigh*

Maybe, I've finally succeeded in getting all of the squatters off of my island.

Labels: habits, how not to be an idiot, insomnia, music, neurotic, opinions, School, work

You know when your work life interferes with your real life? I mean, I know I have no life other than work to begin with but at this moment, that is beside the point. Like usual, I completely forgot about a show I wanted to go to. I know I had written down somewhere but because it's not in my face, I completely forgot. Until I stumbled upon the notice while surfing the net.

Interpol is playing tonight in a crappy club not far from my house.

Interpol!! So of course, I rush out to get a ticket, and I've been listening to Turn On The Bright Lights all freaking day. Even subjecting my clients to the music when I've had to transport them. And asking my younger clients if they listen to Interpol.

The reaction was less than what I desired. Turns out no one knows who they are, even the self-proclaimed 'music guy' in my office. Take that, Music guy. Turns out even though I live like a hermit and currently have an addiction to banana cream pie pudding and Royal Gala apples (of course, not together) that I eat while watching CSI reruns.

Oh, and sending funny ecards to my officemate, who as it turns out, has a sense of humour. Will wonders never cease. Just kidding. Mostly.

Anyway, I grabbed a ticket for tonight's show but it looks like I will be working late and may *just* have enough time to slide into town for when the band goes on. I mean, I could work late any other day but here I am, having to work late on a night I *actually* have plans. Like, really freaking late.

Figures.

Anyway, I do have a spare hour so I may sneak out for a bite to eat and a bit of black clothing shopping, so I can look at least somewhat street cred in the event I do make it to the show. Also, am looking for a way to smuggle my gigantic camera into the venue because in the past they have been jerks about photogs.

But it's Interpol!!!

Labels: drama, how not to be an idiot, job, late night, music, neurotic, New York, opinions, photographs, work

"I just did a Google search, and I came across this page. Sure, it may be nearly 3 years after your post, but that song isn't by Jeff Buckley. I don't know who performs it, but I downloaded it from a p2p program a few years back and it was labeled as a being by American Football, but I don't think it's them either.Strangeness. Very good song though."

This is a comment that was left for me at my old journal. The entry the comment was posted on is over three years old, something he/she mentions and I hate to be nitpicky, but I left a response to it anyway.

I said something along the lines of the song being by Jeff Buckley and that one can find it on his 'Grace' album. If he didn't write it, then at the very least he covered it.

Geez, at least know what you're talking about before leaving a comment. Although, it certainly livens things up around here, if not back at the old Blurty haunt where one can find over three years worth of Gish diatribe. Oh yes, I was vigilant. I updated almost every day. Here, I barely remember I have the journal. Trying to be better at updating.

Pete Yorn is really summer music. Not for the gusty cold days like today. If I weren't supposed to be chained to my desk today, I would go out and take care of some business. But alas, I must attend to duties here. Like a caged animal. Just kidding. I have an office at least, not a cubicle.

Friends come and go, but zopiclone is forever. Charging up my camera battery, ready to take some new photos and post them. I haven't posted anything I've taken in over a month. Mostly lack of inspiration, but that will change. I want to catch leaves jsut as they unfurl. Morning skies with the promise of sunlight, but the reality of clouds. Tomorrow after all, is another day.

Later, beauties.
G.

Lose You - Pete Yorn

Labels: habits, how not to be an idiot, inspiration, music, neurotic, opinions, work, writing, zopiclone

Oh my god, I hate the first day at new jobs! And oh my god, I said oh my god!!!

I feel like I've been walking around wearing a pink tutu with green tights or something. I feel like my hair is all wrong, I'm too fat, I'm too tall, I'm too me, to be here. I want to run home and hide under my new blue blanket and pretend that money is not necessary for life and I can live a perfectly happy, if secluded life of my own, underneath that blanket. I could take the occasional call from my mother, and I would call Craig all the time to hear what it looks like in his neck of the woods.

I could do that. Me and Buckley. Two peas in a pod.

I'm just being a baby. Here I am, with what I wanted, everything is falling into my lap and all is well, I should be happy. I know it's just a phase. After the first week, I will be fine. I just need to find my sea legs. Work legs.

Something like that.

It's funny, though. They all expected me, waiting with baited breath for me to arrive and it's such a triumph for them to get a new worker, I feel like I have been on a parade float all day, waving and shaking hands. I wonder if I will have the guts to ask for a raise. *grin* Just kidding.

Arg, and I forgot to take off the week old blue nail polish last night, it's flashing up at me while I type this. I've been up since 5:45, drinking coffee and slowly getting ready for work. I only changed my shirt three times. And the one I have on still doesn't feel right. But it's ok. It's ok.

I wish my new shoes would arrive. *sigh*

Labels: coffee, drama, how not to be an idiot, job, work, writing