It's 2:43 in the morning. I know this because I am looking at the clock on my laptop. I've just come from a small get together with teachers and rcmp, and I have the urge to call my cousin or someone who will listen to my Bipolar ramblings. But it's so late that no one is awake.

there's something in the way you move that makes me catch a cold...
The problem is that it's still light out so it looks like 9 or 10 at night, and I think I can call people but really its super late and I should be in my bed, asleep. I had a good time this evening, maybe a little too much wine and I was facing the East and feeling the snow fall on my face as I smoked outside and realised that I needed to go home and relax in my cave. I don't know if that's the wine or the bipolar. I chalk it up to alcohol and go home and type away on my laptop and ignore the whole bipolar part. I pretend it's personality and not something more. Matthew Good is on the stereo and I think of how bad it is that I'm not 'out' with anyone where I am. And how brave he is for just putting it all out there. Braver than me. I hide behind eccentricities and the whole idea of being self-absorbed. Just the act of shutting myself away in my room and watching dvds. I don't know what is really real.

It doesn't snow here, not really. With the exception of occasions. The wind blows it around. But tonight it felt like regular snow, like the snow from back home. Like the snow I grew up with. So, I closed my eyes and faced it. Then I told every one I had to go home. My home, which is here. I know it sounds weird, reading it like that. But my home is here now, not where I came from, not where my mother lives. But where I live.

my body hums....like it's coming undone
I wish I could mail you all a copy of Matthew Good's "Hospital Music", so maybe you could hear what is in my head, what I've been through, what I pretend to ignore most of the days I am not unconscious. don't want to be so wide awake

The thing with booze is that it always makes me a little bit more honest than I normally would be, on any given occasion. So...take it for what you will. My words to you, are true. Tonight.

Odette - Matthew Good
Champions of Nothing - Matthew Good

Labels: freaking out, Matthew Good