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This is what it could look like when one completely deconstructs a life as one knows it, and how to build from the ground up. Alternatively, this is a fresh look at an old story. The fine art of falling apart.

light and strings

light and strings
Originally uploaded by Abstract Magdalene.

One of the most freeing things in the world to possess is the ability to make a decision. Decisions based on choices. At this time, I have run out of choices. It seems that I am unable to manage. Manage daily life. The little things that might cause an ordinary person a moment of discomfort, or a tiny headache. These things throw my entire stride and I'm unable to recover from it.

I thought I could do it. I thought I could live like an ordinary person, as long as I kept on going and kept trying. But it looks like I can't. And realities like that bring me back to the beginning. And I'm floundering in the water, about to go under.

Thoughts slip into my brain. And I realise that no matter how many emails I send to someone I thought would be there for me...I realise that sometimes you care more for someone than they do for you. That's not meant to be read in a 'mean' way, it's just fact.

On the other hand, there isn't anyone out there that can help me. Or make things better. If any help at all is to be found, it's supposed to be within me. I just don't think I can find it.

So, I'll go back to Manitoulin Island. I'll barricade myself behind the doors of a harsh Northern winter and pretend I'm there resting, or getting better or whatever it is you tell someone when the prognosis isn't good.

I don't know.

I don't know what the answers are. I am going to have to buy heavy duty oxygen tanks for this session underwater.


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