It's nearly 4 a.m where I am. I slept for a couple of hours and woke up. That happens a lot. I usually am awake by 3 or a little afterwards. More often than not, 3 seems to be the main number. I don't know if that has an significance or not. Probably not.

I've fallen victim to the ways of James Blunt and the song, Same Mistake Twice. Its currently what I have on while I sleep. It used to be Matt Good but Blunt infiltrated the Good camp. Now it's every woman for herself. Interestingly enough, Matt Good just started his tour of the United States. There are many shows and I'm sure if you're even the tiniest bit a fan of his music, you would love to go. So GO, get tickets. You won't regret it.

Ok, enough of that.

Here's a photo I took last year. It's actually a photo of a photo, after I staged myself in pearls and such.

Now, my hair has been cut off and I no longer stage such photographs. Mostly due to the reason I haven't picked my camera up in months. And I lost my battery charger. It takes only a very specific one, which I plan on picking up tomorrow.

I've quite suddenly come into a fairly large amount (for me) of money and an impromtu shopping trip to Sudbury is planned for the morning. Camera accessories are at the top of the list, along with shoes.

Also something interesting to note is that I've been offered a job in Nunavut. Not familiar with the place? Well it used to be called the Northwest Territories, and is located in upper Canada. Northern, very North. I've decided to accept the offer and see how things go for about 6 months. Who am I to say no to a job. Especially one that pays very, very well. I figure I should be able to save enough in six months for a down payment on a new car and still have enough left over to live comfortable while I find another job in Southern Ontario.

So, a few good things that have come my way. I'm still in shock. Nice things like this don't happen to people like me, we usually only get to hear about them.

And now, I feel a little sleepy again....think I will try again for some rest.

Labels: fools gold, James Blunt, job, Matthew Good, money, spending

the border
Originally uploaded by Abstract Magdalene.

Dear Chicago,

It seems that some of us live our lives, aspiring or thinking of....'one day'. I have to admit that I'm one of those people. It's not a an issue, but the problem with that is...I'm not really sure what I want my 'one day' to look like.

I talk about these things with my friends. They tell me (which I think is a huge injustice) that it's ok, everything will work out and I'll be happy with whatever I end up with. One of my biggest fears is that I will wake up 10 years from now with 3 kids, a dog, an SUV and wonder what the hell am I doing. I'm afraid that I'll hate my choices. Afraid of boredom, the sense of having settled, the sense of not doing or being all that I can be.

Scary, heavy stuff. But, what the hell. I'm nearly 31 years old. At some point, I will have to stop thinking and start doing. Sometimes, I just don't know where to start.

I cross borders and look for new things, carrying on my love affair of maps.

I wish I could believe that my future lies in wait with one who has walked your streets before. Maybe he was shopping, or working, or just loving the way your concrete meets the ground. But, I stopped believing in fairy tales and fantasies in my 20's. I know there are those who, unlike me, are nursing hurts and broken hearts. Such luck to have held it for that time, and such luck to have another chance to find it again. And so much thought and effort devoted to and building up of achieving a single emotion.

It's foolish. And inspiring.

Labels: drama, fools gold, habits, how not to be an idiot, inspiration, layers, melancholy, opinions, photographs, relationships, underwater, writing

It's funny how one night of bad sleep, and I wake up pissed off and cranky. How one day I can go from content with things in general, planning for the future to a cranky, uncomfortable, indecisive mess of a girl in her early 30's.

In the dark, I get all kinds of weird ideas. Things like how it would be so much better to get back together with an ex boyfriend. How things would be decided for me, the path of my life set out and I can mosey on along at my own pace, sure of what the next morning will bring. Day in. Day out. Comfort in the familiar.

then I talk to him. And I get pissed off that he's enjoying the tall poplar tree I planted in our old backyard so many years ago. I get pissed off when I hear it's grown taller than the house and looks great next to the crab apple trees. I get pissed off because he's gone on without me, happy in his 'new' life and unconcerned that I'm not there. Of course, there's a younger, prettier replacement warming his bed. Someone who's health and animal conscious. Someone who doesn't mind he stays up until 5 in the morning downloading games and his ambition to own an enormous house that they will never fill with a family. Just dogs, apparently.

This isn't what keeps me up at night, it's what sneaks into my mind when I can't sleep and I watch the light from cars driving by, make patterns on the ceiling of my bedroom. Lighting up for one moment, how empty I perceive everything that has to do with me, truly is at that moment in those hollow early morning hours.

I know it's wrong. I know it's not really what I want in the light of day. Is it normal, or healthy to be mad that he sounds like he is doing better than I am. Everything for me, in comparison seems to jumbled. Part of a bigger mess that I'm not really all that interested in cleaning up. It's hard to explain. The wants and apparent needs of the middle class group I should belong to aren't anything I normally aspire to. So when I yearn for the simple bland suburbia of modern life, it just makes me nauseaus and cranky.

I get cranky when I want the uninspired sort of life so many seem to lead. Because wouldn't it be a relief to be unaware for awhile? No more thinking.

Labels: fools gold, habits, insomnia, layers, neurotic

false hope
Originally uploaded by Abstract Magdalene.

It's not so bad, this underwater business. I came up for air today to meet up with a couple of friends, then slipped quietly back into that black, black lake when it was time to go home. My camera has been at my sister's for the entire week, having only gotten it back today, I take photos of what used to be my miracle pills. The ones that put me to sleep, tucked me in, and just let me sleep. My little blue pills. Now they're just like my Fool's gold. Or in the world of doctors and pharmacists: Zopiclone.

The insomnia is getting worse with age, but I kind of expected that. Like skin, hair, teeth, things degrade as time slips by. That's ok. Although, for some reason it reminds me of this book I once read . Maybe I'll lose my last bit of string, after awhile.
I'm not the only one on this planet that can't sleep. I expect the problem to remedy itself sooner or later, regardless of what I actually do or don't do.

Listening to Simon and Garfunkel a lot lately, or Pete Yorn when I'm in bed, pretending to sleep. In a Zen-like madness I completely changed the bedroom around so that as soon as you walk in, you can fall into bed. I like that idea. Of falling into bed.

Took some frosty photos tonight, as Buckley ate snow in the front yard. I can't decide which movie to watch, so I'll probably end up reading instead. But then...

right?

In an effort to stop consuming so much sugar, I picked up some of that new Pepsi, jazz sensations something or other. It is supposed to be black cherry vanilla flavoured pepsi. So far, it just tastes like diet crap. I'm disappointed. Although, if I keep drinking it...eventually it will win me over. It's amazing what one can acclimate to if given the opportunity.

I'm excited, because it's Monday tomorrow. I will clean the bathroom and the nooks and crannies of my orange kitchen with one eye on the phone. I'll will the job offers to come in. Or whatever.

You know, I blew a fuse the other night. I was rewiring an old lamp into a hanging lamp (not such a good idea with limited training, let me tell you) and when the moment of truth came (meaning, I plugged it in) there was a bright spark and then nothing. I was confused. I had followed the directions for the other lamp (swag lamp kit) and figured a lamp is a lamp is a lamp, no matter what. Right? Right. Turns out I forget to tie a knot in the wire.

Curses! Foiled again! Just kidding. I already got the lecture from two sisters, who also took the opportunity to laugh at the crooked bookshelf I built. Seriously, it's still standing, and doing what it was made for...how bad can it be???

ok, that's it. I think this is long enough for an entry.

Good night, thanks for dropping by.

Labels: blue pills, diet pepsi, electrical, fools gold, insomnia, zopiclone